Your favorite ultra-simple/vulgar jokes (profanity warning)

Everyone has em, right? The real short, to the point, and funny as hell little old jokes? Mine:

An old bull and a young bull are standing on top of a hill above a grazing field. The young bull gets excited and starts tugging at the older bull. “Hey!!” he says, “How 'bout run down there and fuck us a cow??” The old bull looks up and says, “How 'bout we walk down there and fuck 'em all.”

An oldie but a goodie, no? I heard that one from my director who was talking to me about the relationship of Friar Laurence to Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. That makes me like it even more.


What do you do if you come across a sexy girl in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and say sorry.

“What’s your favorite …?” threads belong in IMHO.

(With apologies to TVeblen and Czarcasm.)

Cajun Man ~ SDMB Moderator

Two old farmers sitting on the porch:

Y’know, Lester, between the two of us, we’ve heard every sheep-humpin’ joke them city fellers cared to tell.

That’s true, Clem. It sure is true.

Even after all that, y’know what really honks me off? Geese!

Uhh… this is outrageous, and I’m not really sure if it’s funny, but when my friend told me I had to laugh. So here goes…

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?

Q: Why did Liberace play the piano?
A: Because he sucked at the organ.

Q: Why did MIckey quit dating Minnie?

A: Because she was fuckin’ Goofy!

No, no, no. I hear it like this:

Mickey Mouse denies reports that he left Minnie because of a mental disorder.

[Mickey Mouse voice] “I didn’t say she was nuts. I said she was fuckin Goofy.” [/Mickey Mouse voice]

See, the pun is clearer, plus you get to say “fuckin’” in a funny voice. :slight_smile:

Whats green and hangs from trees?

Elephant snot.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass and moved on.

Whats the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?

You can’t unload the sand with a pitchfork.

In a bar.

Guy: Would you do me for a million bucks?

Gal: (Thinks) Yeah, sure.

Guy: OK, how much for a BJ?

Gal: Do you think I’m a whore?

Guy: We’ve already etablished that. Now were negotiating price!

I’ve got a rooster and you’ve got a donkey. Your donkey bites my rooster’s feet off, what do we have?

*Two feet of my cock in your ass! *

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair

Q. Why did the kid fall off the bicycle?

A. Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

I heard that originally with dead babies, which would lead to the following series:

What’s more disgusting than a truck full of dead babies?
There’s a live one at the bottom.

What’s more disgusting than that?
He’s eating his way out.

What’s more disgusting than that?
He goes back for seconds.

Could there be anything more disgusting than that?
He leaves with a doggy bag.
More classic baby jokes:
What’s pink, then blue, then black?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

What’s pink and red and goes really fast?
A baby in a blender.

What’s pink and red and gets shorter and shorter?
A baby combing his hair with a potato peeler.

I love baby jokes:

What harder than getting ten babies into a bucket? Getting one baby into ten buckets.

Why do you shag a sheep when it’s lying on it’s back?

So you can kiss it.

Why is sperm white and piss yellow?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.