OK, let’s make a deal: If you’re the type to get feelings hurt or call someone a bigot or or a meanie-head, just don’t read any further. So anyway, I would like to know the filthiest joke you’ve ever heard. Those types of jokes that aren’t told in a group of people because even if one person finds it hilarious, they can’t fully admit it because others are cringing and might judge them. The type of joke that when told to the right person will earn you a new best friend, but when told to the wrong person will get you banned from a local hangout by the overly sensitive and politically correct management (yep it happened to me).
I’ve got two or three to share, but would like to see what a few others have first.
I once wrote a short story titled “The Farmer and the Pimp”, about a misunderstanding over two words both pronounced “hō”. I thought it was quite witty but no one I’ve shown it to agreed with me. I guess I have a weird sense of humor.
I’m a native West Virginian, and I get pretty tired of the incest and toothlessness jokes, but even I thought this was funny, and possibly the most disgusting joke I’ve ever heard…
How does a West Virginia girl know when her mother is having a period?
A father is taking a shower when his young daughter comes into the bathroom and peeks behind the curtain, to his surprise his daughter asks “Daddy, when will I get a penis?” He responds…
I won’t say which is which but most so far are just plain vulgar (with one just disgusting) and nowhere near hilarious. A few were humorous though. Thus setting myself up to get shot down:
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks by.
The flasher flashes the first old lady and she has a stroke.
The flasher flashes the second old lady and she has a stroke too!
The flasher flashes the third old lady but she wouldn’t touch it.
I heard freckafree’s joke from the bartender at the Mexican restaurant I worked at in high school. Same guy also told me this one:
A West Virginian girl wants to borrow the car for the night so she can go out. So she goes to her daddy and says, “Daddy, can I borrow the car keys tonight?” He shrugs and points at his crotch and says, “Girl, you know what to do.” So she gets down on her knees and goes to work. But right after she gets started she spits and makes a face and says, “God DAMN, you taste like shit!”
Her father says, “Oh, yeah, your brother asked for the keys earlier.”
Yes, that’s true, they are vulgar and disgusting. If your sense of humor isn’t in tune with the sense of humor of the person that wrote the joke, then yeah, you won’t find it funny. That flasher joke is good, it’s the kind of cute dirty joke I could tell my grandma. The world needs those jokes too!
Here’s one from Doug Stanhope. He’s one of my favorites, as well as a hell of a guy to have a drink and shoot the shit with. He is honest, opinionated, ruthless, unforgiving, and he knows damn well and will tell a crowd his act isn’t for everyone. When a group at a table (especially a group of all women) are clearly not enjoying the show and have disgusted looks on their faces, he loves to approach, look one of them right in the eyes and tell this one:
"So I was fucking my girlfriend the other day, and I stopped and told her I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She asked how I was going to make that pleasurable for her, so I told her ‘Well, right before I cum I’m gonna stop punching you in the face.’ "
You can’t have something like this without at least ONE Aristocrats performance linked. (The actual joke doesn’t start until about two or three minutes in, but then you miss the setup).
Ugh, this joke is so repulsive I am putting the entire thing in a spoiler box. Personally, this ‘joke’ is on the same level as 2girls1cup for me (which I find indredibly disgusting). One of those awful things that you experience that can only be diminished by sharing your pain.
[spoiler]Q. What is better than having sex with a six year old girl?
A. Turning her over and pretending its a six year old boy.
Q. What is better than having sex with a six year old boy?
A. Nothing.[/spoiler]
Really? You find 2girls1cup incredibly disgusting?? Haha, I don’t think that disclaimer is necessary. If you’re a person that finds it enjoyable or is aroused by it, that’s when you need the parentheses.
I used to work with a guy that was very forward with people and telling them what he thought of them. He often times did it in a very amusing manner though and just didn’t give a shit about what the other person thought of him. One night we went to a bar after work and were just talking at a table drinking a pitcher. Two annoyingly drunk women asked if they could sit down with us because they were sick of the creepy guy staring at them at the bar. Anyway, one of them was real quiet, but the other one was one of those women that gets fucked up and likes to insult guys because it’s hilarious to her and she thinks she’s being cute. She showed us a picture of her “2 year old baby girl” and said when I said it looked kind ofd\ like my friend’s 2 year old, she went on this sarcastic but unfunny rant about how insulting that was because no baby could possibly be as cute as her baby, blah blah. After a little while she told some joke that wasn’t funny. She got all snotty and said “well if you don’t like my jokes, and want to insult my baby girl, maybe I don’t want to sit with you!” (as if we had invited her). At this point my friend just gets fed up and says “I have a joke.” She says “it better be funny.” He looks at her and says “what do you get when you slit a baby girls throat?” They both looked at him in complete disgust. He said “Well I don’t know about you, but I get an erection.” I wish I could remember what they said before they got up, but the important thing was that they finally got the hint and went away. To this day, that’s the most vile “joke” I have ever heard, but it was absolutely perfect in that moment. Wonder what ever happened to that crazy bastard.