On a related note, this is another joke my dad told. I was old enough to understand it was a joke when I heard it.
A man was walking through the cemetery one dark night when he fell into an open grave. He tried and tried, but could not get out of the hole. He finally gave up and sat down in a dark corner. A little while later, a drunk fell into the same grave. He tried and tried, but couldn’t climb out of the hole. The first man, unseen in the corner, morosely said, ‘You’ll never get out!’
But he did!
[sub]Some of dad’s jokes weren’t very good, were they?[/sub]
The joke my grandfather used to tell at any or no provocation:
The Sisterhood of a small town church is trying to decide who will chair the Decoration Committee for Christmas. Several women are nominated and Sister Velma is elected, but Sister Ruth didn’t even get nominated and she’s offended. She asks them “I’ve been going to this church all of my life and I’ve done everything I could for it and y’all know how I love to decorate and nobody even nominated me… why not?”
Awkward silence, then one of the matriarchs says “Sister Ruth, you know we all love ya, but decorating the church for Christmas calls for somebody with… culture, and refinement, and class… and that’s just not your strong suit.”
Now she’s really offended.
“I don’t have any culture or refinement or class? Why… why… who made those beaded curtains hanging on the church winda’s? That was me. And who worked her butt off to get all the flocked wallpaper on the Church walls? Me! When the church needed flowers for its front lawn who stayed up all night whitewashing the tires and then making sure they were spaced right so it wouldn’t be tacky? ME! Who saw to it that this was the first church in town to have flamingoes on its lawn? ME!
And now you all come to me and say “Sister Ruth ain’t got no culture, refinement and class? Well if y’all don’t think I have culture, class and refinement you can just lick my ass.” (muttering:) Saying I ai’t got no culture… no culture, shit!” (storms out)
I think it’s in the telling, come to think of it… doesn’t work written out- but it’s the oldest joke in my family.
The funny thing is, a previous owner of my house made ‘planters’ of old tires. The tops are folded out into triangular ‘petals’, and they are whitewashed. I’ve got to get rid of those things sometime.
What’s the difference between Ringling Brothers and the Rockettes?
Ringling Brothers is a cunning array of stunts …
The first time I heard that joke, the punchline was said just that way, with the “funny” part left off. Took me years to get it.
And we can’t forget all the JAP (Jewish American Princess, for those who don’t know that) jokes, which were so popular in my area. And as someone who could technically be called a JAP herself, I’m totally allowed to tell them.
Q: How can you tell a JAP has had an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
How can you tell the WASPS at a Chinese restaurant?
They’re the ones not sharing the food.
Two bees are flying along, when one dons a yarmulke. ‘Why did you do that?’ asks one bee. The other replies, ‘I didn’t want anyone to think I’m a WASP!’
What’s a WASP’s favourite wine?
‘I want to go to Martha’s Vinyard!’
Man, sitting beside a beautiful woman at a bar says,
“Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000 ?”
After but a moments pause, she coyly says, “yes.”
A moment later he asks her,
“Would you sleep with me for $50 ?”
Shocked, she responds;
“What kind of woman do you think I am?”
To which, he responds;
“I believe we’ve established what kind of woman you are,
now we’re just negotiating a price.”
Perhaps it’s because we were in Alabama (her home state), but Helen Keller jokes were insanely popular at my school. Most of them you’ve heard, but my favorites remain
How did Helen Keller’s punish her when she was bad?
