Smokey and the Bandit II
Life Stinks (So does your movie, Mel.)
I love Madonna with all my heart, but I agree. The saddest thing was that the storyline could have been good, but it was hacked to pieces. Illeana Douglas was wasted. So was almost everyone else. MoMo really needs to drop that accent, cause it should be charged with first-degree murder of her performance.
As for the director, I sincerely hope he was hopelessly drunk and locked in a box during editing, because that would have been his only excuse.
As for the worst movie I ever paid to see? Captain Ron.
Normally my stock answer to the question of the worst movie I’ve seen is “Armageddon”, which is nothing more than a protracted music video with illogical characters and dialogue, and hardly a single cut lasting more than five or ten seconds. But I did not pay to see that movie, so I can’t use it for my answer here.
But I can use “Godzilla”, the one starring Matthew Broderick. What a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb movie. There are undoubtedly more problems with this movie than I noticed when I saw it, but I’ll never know because I refuse to waste another two hours of my life watching the stupid thing.
Here were the obvious problems that my brain hasn’t repressed:
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How does Godzilla know where New York City is? Why not go to Tokyo, which is closer, and is a more traditional hunting ground. (Obvious answer: the movie is aimed at American audiences.)
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How does Godzilla know that stomping across Panama is like the perfect shortcut between the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans? Was this overgrown reptile born with a freaking Rand McNally atlas in its head?
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Since when does human pregnancy tests work for mutant lizards? Do they even work outside of our species at all?
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Who humped Godzilla to get it pregnant? (Never answered, and the answer is obviously being saved for a sequel.)
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The battle in Madison Square Garden with the baby Godzillas reminded me of only one thing: velociraptors. The makers of Jurassic Park should sue.
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Somehow the computer used by the military during the scene where Godzilla was being baited with a mountain of fish seemed to have in its library a graphic perfectly describing Godzilla and fish. I howled at this one.
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Godzilla can keep pace with helicopters, but not taxis?
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The woman playing Broderick’s love interest was the worst piece-of-crap actress I have ever seen in a major motion picture. I am certain she must have some truly awful blackmail material on the producers to get this part, because she certainly did not get it through merit. Listening to her voice was one of the singularly most unpleasant experiences of my life, and watching her act was torture. She is reason enough for me never to see this movie again.
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The writers attempt to “get back” at Siskel & Ebert by having characters in the movie that look like them act like buffoons fell woefully flat. Apparently Siskel & Ebert dissed one of their previous efforts, and unlike grown adults, they couldn’t take it on the chin, learn from the criticism, and move on. Instead, they had to insert this distracting bit of childish revenge that never succeeded.
I could go on, but life is too short for me to spend more time with this movie.
I totally agree about The Thin Red Line. What were all those cut scenes about?? totally confusing. It was just bad.
I also thought U571 was pants. Factually inaccurate and very cliched. I mean how did the destroy the ship?? We all had a much better time discussing that very question in the pub afterwards.
Only film I ever actually walked on was Stalker - a Russian / Polish (?) film by Andrei Tarkovsky. Ten minute tracking shots of a train - followed by ANOTHER ten minute tracking shot of a train - followed by … for three and a half hours. I managed the first hour …
And that was at a private screening!
Mission Impossible II runs it close second - what was John Woo thinking? - deport him back to Hong Kong immediately so he can make decent movies again!
Can I be the only human alive to have seen The Black Hole?
Yeah, I know we’re reaching way back in the depths of time here. but true bad never dies!
Never, EVER, put together a movie by committee!
The best part?
“Maximillian! You stupid robot!” (said by Maximillian Schell, followed by a slap to his own forehead).
My list of hideous movies:
Blair Witch Project
Up until the point I left because I did get sick with the jerky camera angles, I was rooting for the witch. I wanted those kids to die in a grisly fashion. The girl should have had the camera shoved up her ass.
Drowning Mona
Supposedly a Bette Midler movie with very little Bette, very little plot, and a depressing feeling of wasted time.
Eyes Wide Shit(Shut)
A less than magnum opus that made me watch A Clockwork Orange to get the bad taste out of my head.
As Crappy(Good) As It Gets
Jack Nicholson as a romantic lead for Helen Hunt? Homophobic slurs? Bad cast, bad acting? And this piece of fecal matter won Oscars? BLECH
My Best Friend’s Wedding
Julia Roberts. She should be someone’s blowup doll, not an actress. A waste. Bleh.
Batman & Robin
Joel Schumacher should be dragged out in the streets and flogged for this one. George Clooney and the rest of the cast, save Uma Thurman can’t act. Even Uma had a hard time with this insipid script.
This is just my short list. I wish to take all bad directors and actors, ressurect Vincent Price and have him do one more Dr. Phibes movie where he tortures and kills them all. He’s already done the plagues of Egypt. Maybe he could do all the sexually transmitted diseases this time, with really large crabs to start out with.
I just saw The Fantasticks with Joel Grey and it was the biggest mess I have ever seen, and I see everything.
They had taken the classic, if simple long-running Broadway play and gutted it.
The worst part was moving the theme song to the end.
At the front of the play it states the context and creates the entire mood. At the end it just becomes music to sneak out by. No wonder it was kept “in the can” for years before being released.
I paid to see Battlefield Earth, but we paid to see a patently bad movie. We definitely got more than we bargained for.
The worst movie I paid to see with the intention of enjoying a movie was Virus. Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland and I-don’t-recall-who-else in a piece of crap that blatantly ripped off Alien, Die Hard II, Deep Rising (and its ilk), Star Trek: the Next Generation (Borg), and maybe another half-dozen shows. There was absolutely nothing to redeem this flick.
Yeesh. I forgot all about Black Hole.
The most painful line for me was the young man (can’t recall his name) berating a panicking Ernest Borgnine: “ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?”
Hey, that always calmed me down when I’m falling into a black hole.
Godzilla would count for me, except that I didn’t pay to see it. What’s more dismaying for me, though, is that a friend actually BOUGHT it on DVD.
…so I can’t resist now.
Snake Eyes was assinine. Utter crap. Cliches inside of cliches. And, the acting. Oh, the acting. And I paid to see it.
The older among us might remember The Jazz Singer with Neil Diamond. What can I say? Laurence Olivier as an orthodox Jew with an Irish accent. I still have nightmares.
Back in my more pessimistic, close minded days, i actually used to walk out on almost every movie i went to see. Looking back on it is funny as hell. Why did i keep going to the movies? Anyway, im too young to have seen it in the movies but I just have to say the absolute worst, most overrated, boring, pointless, steaming pile of moose shit that has ever been produced is TAXI DRIVER. Robert DeNiro is a no-talent putz who has someone slid by into superstardom. The only decent movie he was ever allowed to take part in was A Bronx Tale.