I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking. I think there might be problems with how she reacts if you say no, but it sounds like you’ve already had that kind of exchange. How did she react?
She has had differerent responses but in general is very sad and disappointed when I tell her that she should not expect me to bring her something every time we work together. She did seem to understand that an ipad is way too expensive and that I wasn’t going to give her one. I would like to tell her it’s not nice to ask people for things, but as my OP indicates, I’m not 100% convinced that’s true and I wouldn’t know exactly how to explain it. Some tutor!
One of the few things I remember my dad saying, which I consider to be wisdom, is: There is no harm in asking, so long as you are willing to accept no as an answer.
That’s one of my philosophies. Ask outright and take “no” as a perfectly valid answer.
I will go ballistic if anyone says “What do you mean, NO?” What part don’t you understand? The N or the O?
Yet another saying that doesn’t jibe with reality.
Of course there is harm. Ending a sentence with a question mark doesn’t provide special immunity from judgment.
It’s a cultural thing. Every culture has worked out sets of unspoken rules around there things, and the rules tend to be internally consistent. So when you go play by another set of rules, you break the equilibrium.
I lived for a time in a culture where it as perfectly ok to ask for anything. Strangers on the street would ask for your shoes or your tee shirt. People would even politely ask for sex, on the off chance you’d say yes. But in this culture it was also acceptable to turn anything down, with no pressure or guilt around it.
Nothing wrong with a kid asking for things…
But very bad to give the kid everything she asks for!
No responsible tutor would use “ask” as a noun.
I think it stems from the awkwardness of saying no.
I do LOTS of favors and even loan out money from time to time. More favors, rides to the store, here’s a can of soup to hold you over until your food stamps come in, etc. Lots and lots of favors… and some loans, which I don’t always get returned.
I live in an apartment complex with lots of people who are unemployed and on various govt programs. Lots of people do have jobs… the rent is such that it attracts both crowds. I think you have to accept that people in a needy situation aren’t always going to be as socially graceful or as clear thinking/resilient as we would like them to be.
If it is small items I see no reason why you can’t help.
Okay - rephrase as , “There is nothing inherently wrong with the act of asking, just be prepared to accept the reaction you receive.”
The potential professor acted reasonably IMO. But apparently she misjudged her potential employer, and made what she thought was a worthwhile gamble. She was naïve if she thought she had an inherent right to negotiate. Perhaps it would have been more circumspect to have asked, “Is any aspect of that offer negotiable?”
In law it is a pretty well known principle that a counter-offer negates the initial offer. (Assuredly not phrased perfectly.) If I offer to sell you something for $100, and you come back with an offer of $50, I can tell you to fuck off and die. You no longer have the right to buy it at $100.
Of course, the original works just fine in most situations. Generally, when a kid asks if he can have a cookie before dinner, his mom doesn’t beat him and put him up for adoption…
I’m a bit confused - what do you mean by ‘bring’? Is she asking to borrow something for the duration of the lesson? Or is she asking to be given the items as gifts?
Very well put.
She has asked for these items as presents.
Whether or not there is something wrong with asking depends on the context and what’s being asked for. In a negotiating context, there is nothing wrong with the act of asking for something in itself, although it is still possible that what you are asking for will be seen as inappropriate ( for example, asking for a later start date for a new job is not in itself inappropriate, but asking to start two weeks later is different from asking to start six months later). And the same goes for most other contexts- it’s not going to be seen as inappropriate to ask even a stranger to borrow a pen at the DMV but it’s inappropriate to ask almost anyone to buy you a piece of diamond jewelry. There’s a lot of space between those two extremes - I might ask a coworker for a coffee cup or a package of splenda if I’m out, or even to borrow $10 till I get to an ATM , but I wouldn’t ask that same coworker to buy me a cup of coffee.
These are two examples of what I’m asking about. WHY is it inappropriate? Why wouldn’t you ask for that cup of coffee? What are the underlying principles behind these proscriptions (that most of us seem to feel)?
I think the only thing “wrong” with it, is that most people don’t like to be asked for things. And you might be encouraging an “unattractive” behaviour pattern. No one likes needy people or people that commonly ask for things.
This little kid is a closet communist. He wants to have what is yours.
I would explain to her firmly but kindly that a tutor’s job is to teach her, not bring her presents. You will probably have to repeat this message.
After viewing the responses in this thread, I think I have come to this understanding: asking for things is a very mild version of theft, which is universally reviled and always has been. It’s a slightly acceptable way of getting something that is not yours without making any effort, purchase, or lacking some measure of deserving it, but certainly without taking it by force or some criminal method. It’s a kind way of stealing something from someone. And maybe the pressure or obligation of not wanting to say No is part of the force that separates the owner from his possession.
I appreciate this opportunity to work out this thorny, albeit personal, philosophical matter. At least I think I’m closer to an understanding. Thank you.
Now I’m wondering if you’ve been reading the same thread I’ve been reading. Because that’s not what I’ve gotten from this thread. What I’ve gotten is that what—if anything—is wrong with asking for things depends on the context: both the immediate context (who’s asking whom, for what, how, and why) and the broader cultural context.