I have a friend who constantly returns gifts, to the point this person knows which stores will accept goods without receipts.
Maybe I’m hatched differently, but I’m of the opinion that part of etiquette and class is that you accept gifts because the person who gave them probably went through some effort to select something they thought you’d like (or your child would like). In the case of the wrong size/color, I’m reasonable. Ditto with receiving the same or similar item from multiple people - it’s easily explainable if the person ever asks if you like the item.
I let this person have it recently when a friend - really, more of a friend of the family - surprised them by sending a belated gift for this person’s child. There were outfits and a beautiful handmade blanket and a toy. This person wanted to return the toy, stating that the child hadn’t shown interest in it. (It’s still in the box.) I pointed out that it was unopened, and it didn’t sound like the child had a similar toy, so how could you tell it wasn’t a good toy? Not only that, the gifter lives in the same city, so it’s possible that you might run into the person. It would be nice to say how much the kid enjoys the toy (even if he/she plays with it once) instead of ignoring the issue, which you’d have to do if you returned it.
It’s my opinion that this person misunderstands the point of gifting. It’s not a chance to grab goods you need or want; that’s what your money is for. When someone takes the time to select something with you or your child in mind I think it’s just good manners to accept the gift gracefully unless it’s obviously inappropriate in some way.
So my friend is made at me for speaking out, but I just thought that this behavior was unbelievably tacky. Am I in the minority here? (Especially given this friend’s behavior around gifts generally - I don’t like giving gifts to this person for this very reason.)
I’m with you 100%. Being polite and/or sparing someone’s feelings if they chose wrong is more important than any material thing IMHO. I had a friend years ago who suggested I return a Sears food processor my dad had given me and pay the difference for a Cuisinart one, which was what I really wanted. She couldn’t understand why I thought my dad’s feelings were more important than me having the “brand” I wanted.
Well - sometimes you have to return something, just because there’s no way you can use it. Heavy sweaters for someone who lives in the Bahamas, for example. Your acquaintance seems to be a little overboard though. She could donate unwanted kid stuff to a daycare or womens’ shelter, for example.
I agree with you. If you have legitimate reason to reject a gift, then you give it back to the donor and you are completely at their mercy as far as a replacement is concerned.
The only gifts I have ever exchanged were books that I had already read - and then the person who gave me the book also gave me a gift receipt, knowing that I read a lot and that I might have already read the book.
I don’t think I would continue giving a gift to someone who never appreciated what I gave.
I really don’t like to return gifts I don’t like. As I’m opening one, I’m hoping it won’t fit or that something’s wrong with it so I can “legitimately” return it. My husband is the opposite. He returns everything.
I have an ugly sweater in a box on my dresser. One of my cats really likes to sleep on it. I gave it to her.
Oh, I hate having to exchange gifts with people like that. Hate hate hate hate it.
I think it’s not so much that they don’t understand the point of gift giving, but that they’re completely, utterly, totally self-absorbed. Really, I think they don’t pour their heart into picking something for someone, so it honestly never enters their heads that other people might, or that it might hurt someone’s feelings to have a gift rejected. Their whole take on a gift (and ime pretty much everything else in life) is wholly focused on themselves–what they want, what makes them happy, how they feel.
I guess I’m fortunate to be able to afford to donate to charity the various gifts I’ve gotten that just don’t match my taste. What strikes me as tacky is trying to suck the last morsel of value out of a returned gift.
The one thing I do remember going to the point of returning was a really hideous pastel sweatshirt with flamingos on it, for which someone had paid way too much money at a nice department store. It really should have been labeled “For use only by widows over 65 on cruise vacations.”
My aunt is guilty of that very same behaviour… she will unwrap the gift and then hand it back to the giver if she doesn’t like it. The last straw for me was having my OMG-its-perfect-for-Auntie-Ingrate gift handed back to me last Christmas because she “got something just like it from a friend of hers”.
I’ve decided to save the time and effort involved in gift-buying for those who appreciate it (or who will, at the very least, pretend to appreciate it until they can pass it on to someone else who will actually appreciate it when I’m not looking).
Once someone gives you a gift, it’s yours, no strings attached. You are free to enjoy, return it, give it someone else, or run over it with a steamroller. It would be very, very poor manners to let any hint of this get back to the giver, and you should always express thanks. But returning an unwanted gift is not one bit worse than putting it in the closet for 10 years until you give it to charity, or giving it to your pet for a bed.
And one adult telling another that he’s being rude is rudeness in itself.
Someone who does this with nearly every gift they receive may have a bit of a compulsion, however. But though it may be a personality disorder, it’s not rude.
Returns on her own time, yes? After appropriately thanking the giver? Or does she say something indicating a return while the giver’s present? I think the first is not rude, the second most definitely is.
Right, that’s tacky and rude and something up with which we shall not put! But I’m not clear if that’s what’s going on with the OP’s friend.
I’ll add that, when someone gives me a gift, I’ll often remember that that thing came from that person, and I’ll think of them in gratitude every time I use/wear/read/watch/listen to/look at the gift. I’ll think, “____ wanted me to have this, because they thought I would like it and it would make me happy.”
If I exchanged their gift for something else (which I would only do if it was a duplicate of something I already had), I might have similar feelings for whatever I got in exchange, but they wouldn’t be as strong.
I agree with CookingWithGas. As long you express proper gratitude for the kind thoughts behind the gift and the giver never knows that you exchanged it, what’s the harm? It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment and care, but I don’t need two bathrobes or two fondue pots.
It seems that the OP is talking about someone who is a KNOWN returner. If you return things so often that that’s what you’re known for and make such a point of telling someone…that IS just completely rude! Accept a gift graciously. Why would anyone have to know that the was returned? I so do not get that. I would be mortified if I was known as a “returner” or if I found out that someone had found out that I returned their gift (unless it was just a matter of getting a different size.)
Frankly, I find this a little weird. Because you turned 18, people are beyond being reminded that their behavior leaves something to be desired?
I don’t think everyone knows this friend is a compulsive returner. Family and close friends do, though. This is a person I buy gift cards for.
This friend is not so rude as to tell people that they’re returning the gift, thank God. That’s like post-graduate level tacky. But I think Thudlow has it exactly as I see it. I know that in this day and age, if I buy a gift, it’s typically a gift card. But if I buy a gift it’s because it’s something I thought the recipient would like or need.
Not every gift is the most useful or exact match for the recipient. But that’s the whole point of a gift - your cash is for the things you need and lust after. Someone thought that this would be something you would like, so I think that should be a consideration. Again, I make exceptions for wrong size/color, having something like it already… but a gift with no gift receipt is something you keep. I’m okay with regifting it, as long as it’s not to the circle of people that the gift came from (i.e., the gift-giver’s neighbor, who might see your regift). But the idea of taking it back to a store that you’re not even sure it came from for another good (actually, nowadays they give you a giftcard) is what I find tacky.
I guess I had plenty of gifts as a child that I would have traded in for a set of Legos or whatever. But my parents taught me it’s the thought that counts. Auntie Jane thought that you would like socks, even though you’d rather have a Hot Wheels racetrack set.
I have a sister who returns every gift given to her. I keep getting her name in our family Christmas present name draw. At this point, knowing she will return whatever I get for her, I put as much effort into finding her gift as she does into enjoying it (i.e. none). It sucks all the fun out of gift-giving to know that whatever you pick out as perfect for that person is going back.