The experience that gave rise to this post was a gift exchange at my wife’s book club. Each member was supposed to bring a small gift for each other member. My wife bought nice bookmarks ($5-10) for all of the members. In return, she got a sack-o-trash. Novelty stockings, scented candles… All of it went directly to Goodwill.
Rather than any good feelings, the sheer waste bothered us. Believe me, if we want ANY small item, we are perfectly capable of buying it ourself. And rather than acquiring nicknacks, we are trying to pare down on a lifetime of accumulation. If I’m bringing something into my house, I want it to be something that suits my needs and preferences. And unless you are my wife - or possibly my kids or a very few of my best friends - you simply do not know my needs and wants that well.
And the waste really bothers me. Assume my wife - and each of her club members - spent a minimum of $50. That’s $600 that could have been spent many better ways. Personally, we can afford the $50-75 that my wife spent. Tho we would have preferred to donate it somewhere - maybe a contribution to the library, or literacy programs…
Why is it that people enjoy this sort of thing? Or why is my family so twisted that it mades us sad, rather than happy? My kids feel the same way. They dislike when SOs and their families desire to exchange stuff that my kids neither want nor need, and don’t like to shop for.
Just posting in support of your position. I even try to curb festive gift giving, so “casual” gift giving seems utterly bizarre to me. Except in the “I thought of you so I got you this”-sense with something actually interesting and cool.
Eh, it’s the holidays and people give gifts. Whoever planned it was just trying to be festive. At least some of the people who got your wife “crap” probably hoped they were picking something everyone would enjoy (either a chuckle for novelty gifts or use for stuff like candles).
Next year, your wife should just make a $50 donation to some program and let everyone know that she gave $5 in their name if she wants to participate without participating.
Yeah - I simply do not understand “novelty” gifts. I think someone over in Asia (where most of this cheap crap seems to be made) must be laughing at us stupid Americans who love spending money to fill up our landfills.
In this particular group, opting out would be seen as an antisocial act.
In past, my family opted out of a family Secret Santa among 8 aunts and uncles and 14 cousins. We had no idea what to get the people whose names we drew, and not one of us had any interest in what we were given. One example - I follow no professional sports teams. All of my family ought to know - or be able to discern - that. Yet every year I received some kind of very nice team jersey.
At work I never participated in the Secret Santas, except for when I was an office manager, and felt the need to contribute to the forced jolly.
Years ago, my sibs all agreed we’d quit exchanging gifts - we were employed adults with incomes and no need for the stresses associated with gifting. Well, all but one agreed apparently. One sis still insists on giving gifts to everyone. She shops at the dollar store and the extent of her thought process is “I need something for <sib>”
Several years in a row, she gave tree ornaments. We don’t put up a tree and haven’t for 13 years. In fact, I gave her a bunch of my old ornaments about 11 years ago, so she knows. The ornaments either end up in the trash (if she “personalizes” them with a sharpie) or in the thrift store donation box.
I really wish she’d knock it off. Especially since she’s the least financially secure of all of us. But you can’t tell some people anything. So we smile, say thanks, and dispose as necessary.
Well, probably someone in America who owns a factory in China where people work for 45¢ an hour making it to send back to America.
I don’t know that there’s an adequate explanation. Some people enjoy the gifting aspect of the season and feel that sharing it among their coworkers/club members/etc spreads their joy. Others feel forced into it.
Here’s an idea. In the office gift giving process, have two hats, a red one and a blue one. Announce that if you approve of suchh gifting, put you rname in a red hat, and if you disapprove, put it in a blue hat. Then draw from either the red or the blue had, according to your preference.
Then the two women who instigate all this shit will just draw each other’s names from the red hat, and the rest of the employees can do whatever they want with the blue hat.
I assume these are the type of people who promote and enjoy the kind of gift exchanges the OP describes. I would advise them that, unless everyone in the group is this type of person, they should limit the gifting to each person getting something for one other person (rather than for everyone), and/or make it a “white elephant” gift of something the giver already has lying around and wouldn’t mind getting rid of.
My attitude almost exactly. Except the “Bah humbug” part.
The idea of caring about friends and family and getting together and celebrating community is wonderful. The idea “I need something for <sib>” is totally an invention of the merchants to trigger wasteful unnecessary spending for spending’s sake. It doesn’t contribute to Christmas spirit; it interferes with it.
And I say that as an atheist for whom the religious overtones are another bug, not a feature. As one of my favorite bumper stickers puts it: “Lets put the Saturn back in Saturnalia!”
I am with the OP. I hate this kind of thing. To me it feels like the worst kind of consumer culture, it wastes my time, and it results in a lot of items that are never used.
To be fair, I believe the people who enjoy these kinds of exchanges are genuine in their enjoyment. I think the person who gave the gift your wife received would have been pleased to open a similar gift and exclaim “wooo! holiday stockings! how festive!” My in-laws are these people – they love goofy or gag gifts around the holidays, and have no problem forking out money to buy them, laugh when they receive them, and have no issue with tossing the “Santa on the Toilet bobblehead” (WHY?) in the trash after the holidays. The whole thing makes me crazy, why not everyone keep their money and not buy stuff that is destined for landfill?
My daughter’s Girl Scout troop is doing it, and I really had to bite my tongue to not protest it. It’s so dumb, not one of these girls needs another $10 toy. But I protest so many things in Girl Scouts that I feel I have to pick my battles so that my daughter doesn’t become a social pariah.
I have been in a couple of these groups (book clubs, offices, etc) that love these exchanges, and it’s maddening to see how the group dynamics seem to resist any kind of change. I’ve seen people propose limiting it in some way to make it more manageable, and others who see having more rules or guidelines as being too restrictive or difficult.
I’ll be the outlier. The office White Elephant parties I have attended have been among the funniest moments I have spent on planet Earth. I did end up with a set of outdated Unix manuals one time, but who cares. I played and I lost.
Secret Santa seems more like a middle school activity to me, but meh. I think it’s just a way to acknowledge the season without people feeling like they have to give something to everyone, which does happen if something isn’t put in place. The one guy who walked around handing out a single bottle of beer to everyone gets points for trying but it was a) bad beer and b) weird.
OP - suggest a white elephant next time. Marks the occasion, limits the damage, and they’re funny as heck.
For family - if they don’t respect your wishes about what you want, grin and bear it. Appreciate the gesture they’re trying to make and dispose of the gift as you will. Of course, in the OP’s case, you could start making a big deal about getting the receipt so you can return those jerseys. Maybe that will get the point across, or maybe they’re just messing with you.
I love White Elephant exchanges! I’m going to suggest to my family that we do that next year instead of our $10 goofy exchange game. I’m just sorry I no longer have the pink rotary dial phone that was in the basement when we bought this house…
Gift giving is part of human firmware just like sharing food and telling stories. It reinforces social bonds, even if the gift isn’t OMG the BEST THING EVAR. I suppose it’s possible to exchange gifts in stupid ways–if that’s the case, the solution is to be smarter about it. People could have exchanged gift cards or baked goods or something in this case.
I spent about $50 total, on token gifts for the 15 people I most interact with at work. I realize I’m not gifting in the proper spirit, but it eases my worry that someone might get me something without reciprocation, and hopefully also lowers the bar…for those nutjobs among us that might think we need to get each other real gifts! It happens!
This year, like last, co-workers are getting a generic card and a piece of artisan chocolate shaped like a snowflake. Good 'nuff.
Dude, lighten the fuck up. It’s just token gifts to be festive. Besides, who’s to say that your wife’s bookmarks were so highly regarded by the group? Maybe they liked the other gifts and thought the crappy bookmarks constituted the sack-o-trash. I would think that bookmark was a rather lame gift. And I like scented candles- they’re at least useful.
I’ve never heard of the term “white elephant.” We call them Yankee Swaps. And they’re super-fun without having to agonize over a gift for every person in the group, or even a specific person.
In no way was I suggesting my wife’s choice of gift was particularly inspired. She would have preferred not to give anything. The only reason I referred to them as “nice” bookmarks is because they were painted wood and cost a few bucks - as opposed to using any scrap of paper to mark your page.
I would suggest, however, that a book club might consider something like a bookmark to be useful… :rolleyes:
I guess I just lack the gift-giving/receiving gene. I greatly dislike the consumerism and waste which is so prevalent within our society. I try to be frugal with my expenditures (tho I can be quite generous when I wish to be), and I am particular with respect to what i have in my home and on my person. I don’t have useless stuff lying around my house that i can contribute to an white elephant/yankee swap, nor do I want anyone else’s discards.
I gotta agree with Turpentine here. I’ve been part of a book club, and if someone gave me a bookmark in a gift exchange, it wouldn’t even make it out of the building before it was in the trash. I just use whatever receipt is in the house and hasn’t fallen apart yet. Seriously, it’s a book club, anyone that joins one is already going to have their preferred method of keeping track of their place long before they met you.
On the other hand, I love me some scented candles, that you decreed “trash”.
I think what you’re really complaining about is not “oh, the woes of gift giving” but “I spent money on something I like for other people and I got back what other people like for themselves”. Seems like both sides should have bought something for other people instead of getting what they personally want.
I just want to give a thumbs up to the bookmark idea. These are some that I requested for myself a couple years ago, and I have given them as gifts also. They’re just so gosh-dern pretty.
All right, all right…I hate it when I post something here and my intention is completely picked apart because of my particular word choice or because the masses are being particularly aspie. So I get it now- I first interpreted your post as “This is so lame! My wife picked out these awesome bookmarks and these silly book club people picked out lousy presents!”
But I see the meaning of your use of “nice”. For what it’s worth, I always dog-ear the page of the book I’m reading if it’s an old book. If it’s a shiny and new book, I use whatever scrap of paper is lying around as a bookmark. I see any “nice” bookmark as one more thing to keep track of and I just don’t care enough to bother with them.
I guess I was eye-rolling at first because I like the act of giving and receiving gifts. I like “casual” gift giving even more because the pressure is reduced. I like stuff and collecting things and having lots of stuff. So I failed to see the problem. Not everyone likes having stuff, I guess.
At any rate, it still shouldn’t be this much of a cause of stress. It’s just for fun, you know?
