Gifts: Am I an insensitive, ungrateful, uncouth person?

In My Humble Opinion
1

As the holidays approach I find myself dreading the onslaught of gifts. I know this is a great problem to have and it is truly a blessing that I have so many loving people in my life to give me gifts.

But for at least the last 10 years I’ve been fighting a neverending battle against “too much stuff”. A long time ago I read a brilliant SF story called (I think) “The Midas Plague” by (I think) Frederik Pohl, in which our consumerist society had reached the point that the poor were forced to consume incessantly whereas the rich were permitted to live in simplicity.

I have thought of that story so often, because rich I ain’t, but stuff I got.

Anyway, I express heartfelt, effusive, if sometimes insincere, thanks for all gifts. And then I turn to the task of ridding myself of almost all of them. Of course, occcasionaly I do get a gift that is something I really like or can really use (still loving that well designed, sturdy, green toiletry bag MIL!), but most gifts I am eyeing for their returnability. Oh! Barnes and Noble, how do I love thy return policy let me count the ways! (most books for me I turn into books for my kids)

Sometimes I sell the stuff on ebay (sorry, Aunt Kit, but a Lennox china “Jesus on the clouds w/ arms wide open to adorable child” statue would probably get broken in our chaotic household).

If I can’t get money or credit I’ll give stuff away to the thrift store or freecycle (and thank you Doper-who-I-can’t-remember for alerting me to the existence of Freecycle!)

My husband finds all this rather heartless. I lack sentiment. He, on the other hand has the largest room of the house all to himself filled to the rafters with disorganized stuff.

So do you think I’m awful? Would you be hurt if you found out I returned your gift (after thanking you for it profusely)? Would you search for your gift when you visited my house?

Not me! I give all gifts with gift receipts if at all possible, and frequently give gift certificates. I can’t imagine being hurt if someone didn’t like my gift. It’s just my best guess at what you might like.

2

You might want to think about talking to some of the people involved – those who can take it – and discussing “do we really need to be doing this.” Take the “Christmas is for the kids” tack if necessary. Not exchanging gifts takes a lot of wear and tear out of the holidays.

My sister and I, for instance, don’t exchange Christmas gifts – though we each usually give each other one “un-Christmas” gift each year, we don’t keep score on that, so if I don’t see some “gotta get that for P.” thing during the year, I don’t get her anything. (And the “gotta get that” thing can be pretty random – I recently got her a half-dozen pairs of brightly-colored socks. She loved them.)

Elderly relatives may not be amenable to this – but the friends and family in your generation may well be thinking similar thoughts.

3

Last year I gave my best fiend a signed Easton Press edition of Harlan Ellison’s Deathbird Stories. He’s a huge Ellison fan, and I thought he would appreciate it.

He was in the process of getting rid of as much of his stuff as possible in preparation for leaving for his veterinary internship. And he thinks Christmas presents are bullshit. Still, knowing how he likes Ellison and since I’d bought the book months earlier I gave it to him. He said he appreciated the thought, but since he was divesting himself of most of his worldy goods it would just end up being one more thing he’d sell on eBay. Rather than do that, he gave it back to me. I wish he’d have kept it as a treasured piece of his collection, but I’m glad he gave it back to me instead of selling it.

4

Oh, and I too have read The Midas Plague. I noticed that I have too much ‘stuff’ years ago when I lived in a one-bedroom apartment. This became more clear when I had to rent a storage unit when the apartment manager was made to refurbish people’s apartments. And it became even more clear when I moved to the PNW. I started getting rid of stuff last year. My fiancée changed her mind, I had no job, and my mom died and I decided to ‘clean up my life’. Being lazy, it’s a daunting task! And a lot of the stuff I have is really neat! But I’m going to get rid of it. Even my ejection seat. I was thinking in the shower yesterday that if I ever decide to sell the house, that I’ll sell it furnished. That way I wouldn’t have to tote my furniture to wherever I move to. (I’m not planning to sell the house, BTW.)

Indeed, The Midas Plague has been on my mind for years and years.

5

Unless I have a very specific idea of what someone wants, I give things that are consumable, like food (usually homemade), bath stuff, cell phone minutes, etc. I don’t expect people to keep the stuff I give them forever and ever and ever, only as long as it makes them happy. If they can pass things along to people who will enjoy them more, then all the better.

I began to be overwhelmed by creepy feelings of being crowded out of house and home by useless gifts I have recieved, and started giving away and throwing away lots of that stuff myself. So it’s kind of a do-unto-others thing. I don’t want useless crap, so I shoud not give useless crap. Additionally, my MIL was developing into a borderline scary-hoarder kind of person, and the hubby started freaking out that he was enabling that behavior by giving her more useless stuff, so he was actually the one who put me on the road of consumables-only giving. (She’s getting better, thank goodness, and really doing a great job of getting crap out of her house and taking back control of her space.)

6

In my family we are all now older and have established households. We are all well enough off that if it is a minor item, we buy it. I have the only young kids on either side of the family.
Several years ago we went to a gift exchange where all the adults pull one name out of the hat. This works fairly well. I need to get a gift for my Brother. My wife pulled my Father’s name and so I am trying to come up with something for a 72 year old without a need for much. I keep trying to figure out what would be good for a bowler. (I would take suggestions)
We also still buy for my Nephew even though he doesn’t know it yet. He is 19 and in college.
Everyone buys for the kids which is also rough. They actually have too many toys. My daughter has donated at least 2 grocery store bags of stuffed animals every year for the last 3 years now. She is only 8.
Hopefully you can reduce the number of gifts getting exchanged.

Jim

7

There is a great term for those unneeded gifts: Mathoms
It is a hobbit word. But you could use the term in front of those who might otherwise be offended.

Jim

8

There are a lot of things you can propose instead of gifts. (In our family, we (our siblings) decided several years ago that only the small children and our teenage sisters get presents, and they are small. Since DangerDad and I have a total of 9 siblings plus the spouses, this simplified life a lot.) Talk about how much you want to enjoy time and relaxation with your family members without getting so materialistic and stuff. Play up the simplicity and spiritual aspects of this.

The hat-drawing technique, where each person gets one name to buy for. Then you work on getting one really nice present for the person, instead of 8 mediocre presents.

Give gifts of time. Arrange to have a nice lunch date with your MIL instead of exchanging gifts, or something like that.

Have a goodie exchange, where you each make a special treat for each other. Or some other small consumeable item to exchange, preferably homemade.

If all else fails, I see nothing wrong with returning things. Read Miss Manners on this; she is very heartening.

9

I’m thinking of trying a “no-gifts” deal with my family this year. I just got married in August, and not only did my family do way too much for my husband and me then, but we got most of what we actually need as wedding gifts. We live in a tiny NYC apartment and have no room for the onslaught of knick-knacks.

I think the trend toward more personalized, complicated gifts is terrible. Think people who make up gift baskets for friends. I’ve got so many freaking baskets just from gift-basket-gifts. And then they always have a bunch of little stuff in them. And nothing that’s necessary or useful ever comes in a gift basket. It’s always a mishmash of candleholders and refrigerator magnets and candy (which I never eat) and yes, knick-knacks. And the basket-stuffer medium, like straw or Easter grass-type stuff, and ribbons and bows. And a card. If you’re going to spend $40 on a gift, get someone a $40 item, so at least they can sell it on Ebay or craigslist or–the best–re-gift it!

Another tangent: I hate cards that go along with gifts. If you get someone a gift, you don’t need to get them a card! A card is for holding a check. Otherwise, I don’t want a bunch of warm thoughts written by someone I don’t know, delivered by you. Spend the $3.50 on yourself. Stop and get a nice coffee. Or put it toward a nicer gift for someone else. My husband’s family gives cards with gifts all the time, and I really, really don’t want to drop an extra $25 on cards alone this year, just on his seven relatives.

It’s all expectations. No one would give people pointless, ridiculous things they don’t need wrapped in paper that gets thrown away if it weren’t the expectations between the members of this society. Expectations like these are what drives the consumerist nightmare of the holidays. I’m honestly sick of it and just want to see my family and have a nice time together. I’m not a Scrooge, I just want to change the focus.

10

See, here’s a funny thing – the people in this thread agree with you, as do I. So why the hell are adults even giving each other presents? It’s a huge obligation, a huge expense, for an undesirable outcome. I think culturally we need to reconceive Christmas in a big way. No more gift-giving for adults would be a great leap forward, in my opinion, and the retailers be damned.

But on a more practical note, you can have “the talk” with the people in your gift-giving pool. We have done it in my family, and in my wife’s family as well. It does cut down dramatically on the unwanted stuff – though not to zero, more’s the pity. In general, I like the consumables idea – it’s festive, and doesn’t contribute to long-term clutter. But at the same time, in a diet-conscious world, it can be problematic.

11

Our family is in varying stages of “no more exchanging”. One solution is to ask that anyone who wants to gift you would do it in the form of a donation to your favorite charities. That way, they feel like they’re giving and you don’t feel like a Stuff Hoarder.

12

I have informed my family that “if I can’t eat it, wear it, or spend it, I don’t want it”. No one seems to have a problem with that. The only person who actually get me gifts is my mother, who asks very specifically what I need, and I get only things that replace stuff I already own. Last year I got new pots and pans, and donated all my old ones.

Basically I’ve just told everyone that I have no more space. Period. What comes in, must go out. I’m at a zero-sum level in my house.

We do one exchange gift in my family (we pick names), and it works out really well to keep down the level of “stuff”.

13

It is possible this board attracts from the more rational portion of the world that deals with Christmas. :wink:
Besides as we are running this thread, there is simultaneously a thread for Secret Santas. “To each there own.”

If everyone was rational about gift giving our entire retail society might collapse, have you ever seen the statistics on how important Christmas is to making a profit in the retail world?
I like the idea of less gifts but I understand why other enjoy the giving. (I just hate the shopping and the storage)

Jim

14

Very true, but there are a lot of ways around that. It’s pretty easy to develop a specialty like: a pickle relish, chutney, unusual jam, preserved lemons, peaches in brandy, flavored oils or vinegars, homemade vanilla, the list goes on and on and you don’t even have to be able to can. (My personal specialty is hand-dipped chocolates. No, I am not contributing to the trim waistlines of the world!)

Here’s a book filled with interesting food gift ideas, for those who want to look into it.

15

And I’m #1 on the list of participants of that, too!

That’s pretty much the only gifting I do – there may or may not be a Secret Santa at work, and I’ll probably get something for my 90-y-o aunt, but that’s it. You’ll note I asked for a calendar, a T-shirt, a book, or a CD – none of which count as “stuff” in my house. :wink:

(Defensive? Moi?)

16

I wasn’t casting aspersions on the Secret Santa, as I said; I just don’t like the hassle of the shopping. It looks like fun, but I am having enough problems with the few gifts I need to get. I did get my Brother a cheap fast Laser Printer however.
My brother and I use to chip in together and we did most of our shopping in the week before Christmas. We did this from the time I was little until I was married at 25.
It worked well, one year I was in the Navy and I had cash but I was on Westpac. I sent extra money knowing he had little cash and his contribution to the gifts was largely the shopping and the wrapping. Ironically we were the ones who started the reduced gift giving.
For about 8 years we decided we would buy something for ourselves and say it was the other ones gift. Finally my parents reach the point where they didn’t want or need anything more and my sisters gave into the gift exchange idea.

Jim

17

I don’t think you’re awful, but I do think you’re a turkey! We have a lovely White Elephant exchange on this very board, where you can box up a load of your crap…uh, gifts, and ship them off to some poor unsuspecting soul! It’s great! You can even opt not to receive one in return.

Ahem - anyhow - keep it in mind.

I got a jumbo sized Stitch (from Lilo & Stitch) one year for X-mas - absurd gift. I had no where to put it, nothing to do with it, etc. So I kept it around long enough for friend to see it at my house a couple of times and then I gave it to my niece, who’s 6. When friend asked I just said that niece loved it so much I thought it should live at her house. Friend wasn’t bothered at all.

18

This is actually what I am doing for Christmas this year, as well as for all birthdays during 2006. I bought a Milk Menagerie at the Heifer Foundation and made a generic card to “Friends and Family” so I can enclose it in a greeting card and give it out. I get too caught up in gifts and people are never as happy with them as I hope they will be so this cuts down on my obsessiveness but still allows me to recognize the occasion and celebrate loved ones.

Plus I’ll be paying it off on the credit card for a few months so it’s like buying things all during that time. :wink:

19

I love a White Elephant Exchange. We used to do it at the office and it’s hilarious. You probably don’t want to do a hilarious one with family members, on account of you may re-gift something one of them gave you…but if you can keep it all straight, its a riot. Also, you can do one that is only GOOD stuff, and everyone’s happy. Great idea.

20

I second the charity advice. My birthday occurred shortly after hurricane Katrina. I couldn’t afford to donate much myself, so I asked my family to contribute to the recovery efforts rather than give me gifts. I didn’t get a bunch of crap, and I felt better about not being able to donate.