We’ve given up gift-giving in my family too. Both my mom’s and dad’s sides of the family are dirt poor. I don’t want them to spend money on me - not even $10 on “just something”.
The youngest person in our family is 13, and then next is 23 so there’s no kids missing out. The 13 year old gets more crap than any kid I’ve ever seen (yeah, his family is dirt poor…)
I honestly can say that I really do just like hanging out with everyone on Christmas, and I do like just getting birthday cards to let me know they’re thinking of me.
As for my friends, they get cards. And my 3 closest friends and I have a Christmas tradition where we make gingerbread (graham cracker) houses each year, together.
Now…as for my immediate family (mom, dad, brother) … we DO exchange gifts, and we actually spend quite alot. But I enjoy giving thoughtful gifts. Enjoy shopping. Enjoy giving. But that’s about all I can afford.
My dad bowls, and last year Grandma and Grandpa got him a gift certificate towards a new bowling ball. It was for half the price of the ball, or something like that. The only other things I can think of are gift certificates to his bowling alley or a personalized bowling towel and bag.
A response just about gifts, not about Christmas rituals:
I really don’t like receiving gifts - Christmas (especially) or otherwise. Almost never what I would want, even my SO almost never gets it right. I am, I admit, very fussy about things. If there’s something I want, I will search and shop and compare prices, and if I can’t find what I want at the price I want to pay, I won’t buy it.
A story: last year I met my Japanese sisters-in-law for the first time when they came to visit. Nice older ladies (60’s and 70’s). I must have looked like a freak of nature to them, because at the time I weighed over 300 pounds and I am on the tall side. There is a photo of us together - we almost don’t look like the same species. Anyway, the oldest (77) took a trip when she got home, from her little home town to the huge metropolis to buy me a thank-you present for our hospitality. She sent me three pairs of ridiculous-looking and actuallly too-large underwear, that I would never put on my body. The point of the story is that, when I was less than pleased about this gift (which reminded me of how unholy huge I was) I got in major trouble with my SO, and we had a huge fight. Apparently, with all gifts from his family, I must disguise my true feelings even when they are not around. Because I am an ungrateful bastard.
So just spare me the gifts, please!
And in further answer to the OP, when I give a gift I like very much the consumable idea, the returnable idea, and even the “in your name to a charity” idea if I am truly stumped about what to get someone. I would never look for a gift in someone’s home, or mind if they exchanged it for something they liked better (“What did you like better?” “Credit!”). Sometimes it’s more generous to not give…
Here’s one of those never buy this for somebody. Never buy a bag of flour that says YumYum Bread or GoGo Cookies mix. The people you give this to don’t cook and it wastes $10. A sister inlaw whom only cooked chicken breasts and cheese pizzas recieved a sour dough bread kit with a jar of active starter. Like there ever was a chance that she would ever make the bread or even keep the starter alive. The jar and all the ingrediants must have cost about $30. What a waste.
I give only stuff that I see that is perfect for someone I know. This doesn’t happen too often. I never buy something that is seasonal and needs to be stored most of the year. Don’t give a store card. Give them cash so they can buy something in any store they like. Cash is always a good gift for someone, unless you draw names. You had better buy me an actual gift, if you participate in a family drawing exchange.
Well, call me an old sentimental fool, but what I think is this:
When somebody gives me a gift, what they REALLY want is the pleasure of seeing me enjoy and appreciate it. So that’s my gift to them.
When I give someone a gift, what I REALLY want is the pleasure of seeing them enjoy and appreciate it. So that’s their gift to me.
To me, it’s not about getting stuff, or cost, (which is why price tags are not left on gifts), or even usefulness. It’s about the time and effort someone puts into thinking about another person, trying to decide what they might enjoy, going to the trouble of purchasing it and wrapping it attractively. I have a dear friend who is in dire finanacial straits; she has a disability that prevents her from holding a job and is expensive to get treatment for. The gifts she puts together from miscellaneous stuff that she acquires inexpensively are truly amazing, and I know she has spent oodles of time doing so. This is sooo much more touching than if she were rich and spent 2 minutes plunking down a credit card in a fancy store.
The other thing I don’t like is the obligation aspect. If you give me a gift and I don’t give you one, I feel lousy. I feel like I’m obligated to reciprocate. Horrible.
I like getting gifts. I like giving gifts. I like feeling connected to the people I love, and gifts are a way to do that–not the only way, of course, but an important way. Like MLS said, there is joy in seeing someone you love happy because of something you did. I feel sorry for those of you who don’t feel that.
Thirty years ago or so, when we were very poor, we had no money for Christmas gifts. Zero. So, I wrapped up our groceries and put them under a tree I made out of newspaper. We unwrapped them and pretended. And it was FUN. Over the years, we’ve continued to do this. What! Paper towels? For ME? Dawn dishwashing detergent? Blue? How did you know? No way! Ziplock bags? the gallon size? Oh, honey!
Many traditions have evolved–someone gets batteries “gift not included”. Everyone gets lightbulbs–most are 100 watts but there’s usually a package of 60 watt bulbs. The person who gets them is the “dimwit”. Every year someone comes up with something new–last year, my son-in-law gave people windshield washer solvent.
It’s fun. It’s festive. And no one ends up with stuff they can’t use.
Sometimes I suggest we might want to try “real gifts,” but the rest of the family insists they like it “our way.”
With my extended family, I call it “gift grubbing”. I’m sick and tired of trying to figure out a gift for an 85 year old great grandpa. And none of these people seem to think that there’s anything wrong with spending $500+ a year on gifts for the family. Since I’m the first birthday of the year I’m trying to muster up the guts to tell everyone that we should just forget b-days for all except the kids. Wanted to do it last year, but couldn’t pull up the nerve. Presents are important to these people. I would much rather take that $500+ and pay a visa bill or two.
My parents, on the other hand, have graciously said that they don’t want any gifts for birthdays, mother/father’s day, etc., but if I want to get a little Xmas gift that is fine. They actually told me to take the money I might spend on them and put it in my childrens’ piggy banks. I think that’s a fabulous idea.
I think in my extended family they’re just greedy. WHY wouldn’t old folks (the 80+ y/o’s) just tell their grandkids to save their money? There’s $100 for the two birthdays that could well be used for other purposes. Not to mention the fact that hanging out with them really squicks me out. I guess I should feel sorry for them, old and sick and such, but unfortunately all I feel for them is resentment.
My mom gives money to the Heifer Project in the name of our family every year. It doesn’t stop her from getting a couple people small gifts, but it at least covers everyone in the extended family. She hands out pieces of paper with details of the “Gillespie Goat” and everyone is properly appreciative.
so, MLS and Quartz and Brynda , do you keep all the gifts you are given? And does it count if you get the pleasure of seeing me happy to get the gift you give me if I secretly get rid of it later?
Yes, almost all of them. In fact, I am trying hard to recall a gift I have exchanged. I hate shopping, so I’d probably just make use of the item somehow.
And no, I probably wouldn’t notice if an item was exchanged or whatever. I don’t tend to look around my friends’ apartments to see where last year’s gifts are. I am pleased if I see someone using what I gave.
Where it’s possible, I include the “gift receipt” that some stores provide, and if someone exchanged the item for another one they liked better, it would not matter to me. I appreciate if I find out what they exchange it for so that I will choose better the next time.
In a few cases, there have been identical gifts to a person from two different people, so of course then there is no issue. Once I gave my husband a book that he already had, which I had actually given him as a gift a few years before! But that just gave him a nice excuse to go to the book store.
In the case of my daughters, on occasion they have hated some item I gave, I have “bought it back” with cold cash and then returned or exchanged it, or used it myself.
Being a bowler my WHOLE life, I can tell you the perfect present for your dad. He already knows the type of ball he likes(urethane, polymer, space age..etc) but you can get a gift certificate from the bowling alley pro to watch him, film him...and give him pointers for next years league. Trust me, it'll be cheaper than a new ball, and...it'll get him ready for the new league year! Also, not to mention, but bowlers never get old...they just get better. :-)
I don’t like or dislike getting gifts particularly, though I do enjoy giving them. My apartment is very small and full of stuff, but usually at any time there is something I need (this year I am getting new pots because the Teflon is coming off my current set). I usually sell, give away, donate, or throw out (if needed) whatever thing the gift is replacing.
As I said I love giving gifts but I go out of my way to find things appropriate to the recipient or find out if there’s something they actually need. Either a gift card to their favourite restaurant, or some clothing I know they will like, or something physically small (like jewellery) that doesn’t clutter up the house… failing that, I give baked goods to most of my friends. This year I am making small gift bags with home-made cookies, miniature bottles of liquor, some candies, coffee, and hot cocoa. The bags can be reused (regifted) and everything else is consumable.
Most of the people I know don’t have the time or inclination to bake for themselves, so AFAIK they appreciate the home-made stuff from time to time. I know whenever I’ve recently made cookies and someone visits, they get snatched up pretty quickly.
It’s rare for me to get a gift I don’t like and can’t use, but maybe I am just easy to shop for. We have always given fairly practical gifts between the adults in my family, and I ask my friends not to get me anything. If they insist or press about it, I just let them buy me lunch or something. I get to get out for an afternoon, it works for me.
I arranged with my brothers to stop buying Xmas gifts for each others families years ago. Personally I have long been ho-hum about presents except for little kids that still think it’s real. Recently my mother told me I was like that as a kid, apparently she would try to find out what I was hoping to get for Xmas and usually I would say, “Oh, I don’t really care.” She said on the rare occassion that I wanted something it was always reasonable (a bike one year) and she would happily get it.
I used to know one large family (parents, twelve children, spouses and grandchildren) who handled Christmas this way despite access to considerable wealth: Each person drew a name and was responsible for creating a gift for that one person only. But it had to be homemade. (Of course, children could have help.)
I think the neatest gift that I saw in that family was a thick stump or slice from a tree/log that had been shellacked and handles attacked to the sides so that it could be drawn up to the fireplace for seating. Carved into the tree in their own handwriting were the names of the members of the family.
