What's your best insult in 25 words or less?

The BBQ Pit
21

Hamlet: “Dost thou know this water-fly?”
Horatio: “No, my good lord.”
Hamlet: “Thy state is the more gracious, for ‘tis a vice to know him.”

I love this one. It has such a simple intro, you can use it all the time if you have a friend with you.
“I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick, nobody marks you.”

This one works great. You hear it in the pit all the time: “Are you still talking? Why? Nobody cares.” W.S. just says it better. He’s almost as good as NTG.
“He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.”
“I do wish thou wert a dog, that I might love thee something.”

“Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!”

I think the best one ever was this:

“What the hell are you drooling about?”
Attributable, of course, to the one,
the only,
Wally.

I will try to find some more, and come back with them, as my mind escapes me at present…
You lumbering, diseased bastard son of a motley felch-monkey!

22

You are talented. But you are also a careless, selfish, irresponsible drunk; always blaming someone for something when the real problem is you! You’re pathetic!

23

I’ve always found the simplest insults to be the best. Therefore:

“I’m sorry. Do I know you?”

Tip: if you have to use profanity, use it in a laguage the insultee doesn’t know. Example: “Kus imcha hatzola’at” or “Ulai timtzotz li?”. It’s most amusing.

24

To insult someone to their face is nothing like insulting someone on the boards. Here, we are sheilded from any real consequences.

When you are in front of someone, and you can smell their breath and almost feel their bloodpressure increase, and still throw out a real insult, you are something.

I can’t insult anyone in any kind of unique way, but I have been told a few that really stuck over the years:

(in a friendly, party atmosphere) “You have a really keen sence of the obvious”

(girl, in teeage years)“I will NOT go out with anyone who can Disco better than me”

I like the suttle, more witty insults. Wish I could crank them out, but it is not to be. One or twice I have come up with a good and timely insult, but I find it harder on the boards, when it’s not immediate and into the face of the insultee.
Alessan, is that Hebrew I detect? L’hitraot, haver.

25

Thanks to Lexicon for inspiring me…

“O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?”
–Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 1, Scene iii

“When he is best, he is a little worse than a man,
and when he is worst, he is little better than a beast”
–Merchant of Venice, Act 1, Scene ii

“You call me misbeliever, cut-throat dog,
And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine”
–Merchant of Venice, Act 1, scene iii

“Fill all thy bones with aches”
–The Tempest, Act 1, Scene ii

“O God, that men should put an enemy
in their mouths to steal away their brains!”
–Othello, Act 2, Scene iii

“Here comes a pair of very strange beasts,
which in all tongues are called fools.”
–As You Like It, Act 5, Scene iv

“wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany?
wherein villanous, but in all things?
wherein worthy, but in nothing?”
–Henry IV, Part 1, Act 2, Scene iv

Finally, one that’s a bit over 25 words:

“that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness,
that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack,
that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox
with the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice,
that grey iniquity, that father ruffian,
that vanity in years?”
–Henry IV, Part 1, Act 2, Scene iv

There are more, but I have to hold a couple back,
to use if I ever find myself in a flame war.
Not that I’m the type to look for a fight:

“Beware of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear’t that the opposed may beware of thee.”
–Hamlet, Act 1, scene iii

26

I have found, to my fascination, that sometimes the less offensive insult is better. I like “jackass” better than “asshole” and I think “rat bastard” beats “motherfucker” any day. Jackass has, in fact, become my new epithet of choice.

I think the most insulting thing I ever said to my husband, although I meant it to be funny, happened when he was trying to explain something long and involved about architecture to me when I was trying to do something else important, like pick my nose.

I said, “Honey, how about I give you a little bell, and you can ring it three times to alert me when you’re about to say anything I’d ever give a rat’s ass about.”

Now, when ever I am blathering on about something dull, he raises his invisible little bell in the air and says “DING DING DING!” to remind me. Sigh.

27

I do believe that your family tree does not fork.

28

Damn right it is, tradesilicon achi (or achoti, as the case may be).
Got the guts to transate them?

29

Allesan,

No problem with guts, just havn’t got the laguage skills. I thought I remembered a few words from my visits to Israel, but I can’t translate it properly. I would love to see the translation though…I like the way the insult sounds in Hebrew - very passionate…

TGIF,
Thank you.

30

Tradesilicon - the’re actually quite standard, run-of-the-mill insults, not worthy of mention in such a rarified forum. It’s the context that counts.
Still, they translate like this:

Ulai timtzotz li? - “Why don’t you blow me?”; The usual American brush-off, in the form of a question.

Kus imcha hatzola’at - “Your limping mother’s cunt”; A general-purpose insult.
Actually, that second one sounds sort of sort of nasty… heh.

31

God curse your unholy mother and the jackal that fucked her.

32

As a performer, I enjoy confronting hecklers and idiots with an old Steve Martin line . . .

“Yup, I can remember back when I had my first beer.”

Usually kills the rest of the audience.

And for sheer frivolity, rather than real insult, there’s a lovely (though longer than 25 words) bit from the Monty Python Argument Sketch:

33

I used soulsling’s suggested site, and came up with this:

"You steal food from the cat’s dish, you block-headed, dirt ball slurping, penguin torturing, misbegotten offspring of an exotic pet store escapee. "

Heehee

Fucknut and fuckwit have recently entered my vocabulary. They work, and they attract more attention than the usual jackass or asshole.

34

I saw this one on a motorcycle helmet (ironic?):

If I want any shit out of you, I’ll squeeze your head.

35

you’re just dumb.

36

I used to go with “whorelicker”, but then I started applying it enough to the same individual as a term of affection that it sorta lost its edge.

Oh well, never matched up to Shakespeare anyway.

37

Party 1: I’ve been seeing my boy/girlfriend for 6 months now

Party 2: That’s nice, just because he/she has been in a coma for seven we don’t see anything wrong with the relationship
– or –

You are a perfect example on how test tube babies can go wrong

38

Redd Foxx had a great line for confronting hecklers:
“I could shut you up, but my zipper is stuck.”

39

this is bringing back fond memories of that old “Democritus - pucker up, ass slammer!” thread that Flypside started a couple of months ago. I did some of my best work in that thread.

Can someone find it and post a link?

40

I like this one!

“If I had been just a little bit faster than your dog, I’d be your daddy!”