I’m not sure if this one is an insult or a threat, but I like it:
“If I’d killed you when I wanted to, I’d be out by now.”
The best insult I ever heard was all in the delivery :
Al Pacino to Kevin Spacey in Glengarry Glen Ross
If you’ve seen it you’ll know what I mean . Ouch !!.
These are dated but still some of my favorites:
She could f*** up a wet dream.
I won’t say he’s older than dirt, but he knows all the rocks by name.
Oh, I’m sorry. Were you talking to me? I was still under the impression you’re unimportant.
Just how great do you think you are?
You are obviously an acute sufferer of the common cranial-rectal inversion.
What a yahoo.
So, do your relative believe in dating outside of the family?
Those are the ones I’ve used this week. Perhaps next week will be more productive.
Bad person: “Blah, blah, insult directed at me”
Me: “Are you talking to me?”
Bad person: “Yes I am.”
Me: “Why?”
I have used this on several occasions and everytime I get silence in return or the Bad person stumbles over their words. Then I give a little “fuck you” smile and look/walk away.
It turns out you can call someone a pencilneck, and he will cry. Poor baby.
I’ve run into one by accident that amazed me in it’s ability to catch someone off guard.
A woman was jumping on me at a reading for not following the program in order. I was about to lash out at her in no uncertain terms for cutting me off mid-sentence in front of a group.
But, it turned out to be someone I’d been told about but never seen up close. What I’d been told was that she was huge, and she was. Over 350 easily, but it looked worse because it was mostly in the buttocks, which extended like a huge shelf.
Anyway, it just popped out of my mouth:
“You’re Annie ___, aren’t you? They said you were fat, but it’s not that bad.”
The words after “fat” were actually a quick recovery to bail out of my gaffe. But the they had the opposite effect.
Everyone turned and stared at her, whispering that she was fat, and it was that bad.
**Since, I’ve responded to every interrupter with the non sequitur followed by faint praise. **
Once it worked better than any standup-comic’s similar comeback.
Instead of “Oh, yeah, well you’re so bald that…(some joke)”
I used “You’re John David, aren’t you? They said you were bald, but it’s not that bad.”
I had no idea what his actual name was, and he wasn’t very bald at all, but he never corrected me, but snuck out when people had stopped gawking at him. Peace at last!
One of my favorites has always been used around the urinal and is a favorite for questioning a man’s manhood.
“Sheeze Bob, I didn’t know you could pee standing up.”
“If you were the last man on Earth… I’d build myself a vibrator.”
Not PC at all, but one I stole from someone else:
Jesus Fuck! A mongoloid butt-fucking monkey could do a better job than you!
You’re French aren’t you?
Allesan - youre right ‘Im sorry, do I know you’ is the most annoying thing you can say to someone.
The best insults are subtle:
this is James Joyce -
a guy is being berated by his boss:
Boss: Do you think me a complete and utter fool? [or words to that effect]
employee: ‘I dont think, sir, that that’s a fair question to put to me’
this is courtesy of wierd Al [altered slightly from his song ‘Fat’]
‘Your momma so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house’
You sybaratic, syphillitic, sophomoric, sycophantic, semi-sentient, second-rate sow-sucker.
You cuntless wife of a whoremonger.
And, were you expecting me to give even half a rat’s ass about what you think?
This one’s mediocre, but it worked perfectly when I used it:
“At least I have a family that loves me.”
To be said to a former lover in public (loudly) if they make remarks about how much you enjoyed sex with them - Would you like to hear me make those same noises right now ?
“You’d f-ck up a one-car funeral.”
“Your face looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.” (From South Park)
Another of my favorites became popular at the newspaper I work for. Whenever someone gets too complainy or whiny about something, he/she is likely to be greeted with a “Your ass is a/an (whatever you are complaining about).”
Ex.:
“When’s that damn pizza gonna get here?”
“Your ass is a pizza.”
“I just can’t think of a good lead for this story.”
“Your ass is a lead.”
Old Russian Saying:
“One who is scraped off the sheets with a spoon.”
Pardon me, but I think you have me confused with someone who gives a shit.
Or to someone giving you unwanted advice: I prefer to do it this way because after a considerable amount of time and deliberation, I came to the conclusion that it’s really none of your fucking business.
Oops, more than 25 words, sorry.
Which fork of the family tree did you fall off of?
I’ve always been fond of “Drop dead and burn in hell.”
Short, simple and it gets the point across.