It would be a total deal-breaker unless she had presented this information with a tone of regret. She would have to really think that what she had done was wrong and really, really wish she hadn’t done it.
And none of that “he deserved it” crap. If your boyfriend mistreats you, that doesn’t mean cheating on him is okay. What’s okay is dumping him.
Most of the people I know cheated when they dated in their teens and twenties. Eventually, they married and they are all happily monogamous to the best of my knowledge. Many of them are wonderful, enviable life partners.
I’m of the opinion that for most people there is a large maturity component to cheating - and that once you “grow up” its less of a factor. So the question is “did he grow up, at least in this respect?”
There are way too many variables to have a hard and fast rule. Not all cheating is created equal, and I grade on a curve, taking the timeline, the severity of the offense, and everything else I know about the person into consideration.
My wife was still technically seeing someone else when we first met, although the overlap between when we started sleeping together and when she got around to dumping him was very brief - a week, tops.
We were 22 years old at the time. If we had been older, maybe things would have gone differently.
Interesting question directly related to my current relationship. I’m currently dating someone who cheated on her ex-husband. Technically she also cheated on him with me. I was also seeing someone when this started between us. No, not MeanJoe’s proudest moment of all time.
When we began to realize an attraction she was already in the process of getting a divorce and had already purchased (but not closed/moved-in to) a new home. It was an agreeable divorce without the typical hostility, etc., involved. I was also dating someone for about 6 months whom I enjoyed time together but was slowly realizing the “romantic” part was not there - more like hanging out with a very good friend. So over the course of a couple months we began seeing each other “on the sly” both from our respective partners and joint friends.
It was wrong, I make no bones about it and to be honest I was a total wreck during this period of time. I always, always, always believed you end a relationship if it is not working before starting something new and you never, ever, get with married women. Yet there I was, betraying some key principles I thought I held. I felt like scum of the earth but for a meriad of reasons didn’t “nut up” and end things with the person I was dating nor put the other person “on hold” until they were divorced.
After a couple months (yes, I know… I suck and am a bad person) I did end it with the person I had been dating. I did not tell her about the other person, I had enough reasons for ending the relationship besides that, and did’nt feel it necessary to hurt her to assuage my own guilt.
I have been dating the other person exclusively, who is now in her new home and has a final divorce decree. Our friends know we are dating but they do not know (I don’t think they know…hmmm…) we were also hooking up on the side earlier. Although I am not proud of my behavior at the beginning of this whole thing, I have to admit I am pretty happy with her and how things have been going.
That being said… the questions raised in the OP and this thread do pop up in my mind. I don’t have answers, heck I thought I’d never, ever cheat on someone nor be involved with a married woman. So I’m figuring this out as I go…
MeanJoe - I’m really a good guy… I think.
It’s not a dealbreaker for me. Context has a lot to do with it, and not all “cheating” is the same in my book. Some forms, in descending order of seriousness:
Systemic selfishness and poor impulse control
Sabotaging a good relationship
Terrible, one-time mistake
Sabotaging a bad relationship
Meeting the right person while you happen to be dating the wrong one
I’m 99.9% sure that my last ex before I started dating MsNito was cheating on me with her now-husband before we technically dissolved our relationship. And it doesn’t bother me even a little tiny bit. I would have done the same thing. It was the correct decision.
Double post. Sorry.
This.
I should qualify my statement about “never” having cheated. My marriage was terrible - during the last four years of it, my ex-wife was out-and-out abusive on multiple occasions. Despite having the opportunity several times, the closest I ever came to being unfaithful was a sloppy, drunken, and immediately regretted kiss with a friend shortly after I’d moved out, but before I made the final decision to get a divorce. Actually, it helped me make up my mind to end it for good.
I didn’t sleep with anybody until the papers were filed.
I suppose that’s cheating by some people’s definition, and I’m willing to live with that.
So I have some sympathy for the impulse to “break up” by having sex with another person. I just think the emotionally mature thing to do is to recognize the reasons for those feelings, and act on the reasons, rather than just going with the impulse.
Hmmm. Maybe there’s a difference between ongoing infidelity and relationship suicide-by-cheating. I can probably rationalize the latter away, but I doubt I’d be able to cope with the level of dishonesty it takes to pull off the former.
This is so key for me. In my marriage, it was hard enough realizing that my wife had slept with other men. But what was so truly devastating to me is that I’d always felt my wife and I had had a wide-open path of communication and that we were honest with each other about everything. Coming to terms with how she was able to take advantage of my unfailing trust in her (she didn’t have to lie nearly as much as she might otherwise because she knew I wouldn’t question her) is what ultimately broke me. I just didn’t want to believe that she was capable of doing that to me because I thought I was special to her.
Zero tolerance. A cheater has several personality characteristics that will not, in my humble opinion, make them a good partner. Yes, there can be mitigating circumstances, but getting laid is not a life-or-death situation (although it may feel like it sometimes…).
Call me closeminded if you want, but my tollerance for cheating, past, present, or future, is nonexistent. If you aren’t happy in a relationship, end it and start another one with someone else. If you’re too guttless to do this, I don’t want to be with you. If you care so little about the feelings of other people that you are willing to lie to them about this, I don’t want to be with you.
If you don’t believe in having just one partner, get involved in an open polyamorous relationship. It isn’t cheating if everyone knows you’re doing it and is okay with it.
Cheating is never a good answer to anything, and I will not be compatible with someone who feels it is ever appropriate or acceptable.
Oh yes, as to the “it’s in the past and they learned their lesson” concept. Sorry, but it doesn’t fly with me. Maybe it’s true, but I don’t really care. It’s hard enough sorting through the millions of potential mates out there to find someone who is compatible with me, and eliminating cheaters right off (however much they might be “reformed”) simplifies the task of finding someone with compatible values, and saves both of us a lot of time, energy, and heartbreak.
Since both of us were total sluts before we met (that’s how we met), neither is in a position to judge the other.
I’m a slut. I would never in my life cheat on a partner, nor tolerate a partner who has cheated.
Not knowingly. If she lied to someone else, she’d lie to me.
Zero-tolerance. Honor is an important virtue in life. There are people out there who haven’t cheated so there’s no need to take a chance on someone who has. Let them be with each other.
As with others, I can excuse a limited affair at the tail end of a dying relationship far easier than routine cheating. I’ve never cheated myself, but I’ve been in two relationships with girls who had boyfriends (at least for a bit). The first time was in high school, and was my first girlfriend, and I felt terrible about, because I was stealing The Most Wonderful Girl Anywhere, Ever from a friend. Obviously, this was somewhat melodramatic, and it turned out not to be a big deal for anyone in the long run. The second time was in college, and ended reasonably poorly, but more for me than anyone else. In retrospect, neither was a good idea. That sort of cheating I’d be okay with in a potential partner (as long as it’s something regretted, and not the normal way they end a relationship).
There was a time where I would’ve said “no” right off the bat. But with my ever increasing life experience, I’ve learned that not all things are black and white. Life can be exceedingly complicated and sometimes people do things in certain situations they never knew they were capable of. It really depends on the particularities of the situation.
I cheated in my last relationship. Never thought I’d do it. It was at the tail-end of the relationship, I wanted to leave but was way too weak. I met this woman at work who very actively pursued me, giving me every single thing I was starving for from my fiancee at the time. It was literally like someone giving me a water bottle after I had been stranded in the desert.
After I did it I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt that tore me apart. I broke up with my fiancee very soon after and still regret cheating (even though he cheated on me throughout our entire relationship.) Funny thing is, this woman was also in a relationship at the time and told me she didn’t feel guilty at all. That should’ve been a red flag for me, because she ended up cheating on me a couple years later and ended up leaving me for that other person.
The guilt and shame I felt after cheating on my ex would prevent me from doing it again (or I’d like to think so.) The fact that she never felt any guilt for cheating on her ex is probably why she cheated on me. No guilt, no shame, why the hell not? So that’s why I really think it depends on the person, more specifically, how the person feels about it. Do they feel genuinely guilty and bad, or are they just trying to justify it? If it’s the latter, I’d say steer clear.
Agreed. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
I don’t think it would prevent me from getting into a relationship with someone. I’m with those who see too much complexity in human relationships to draw a hard and fast rule.