There’s this gal. She’s very close to ideal for me in most respects. We are considerably suitable for each other like no one I’ve ever known before. She feels at least substantially the same way.
Here’s the two main problems.
She’s admitted to cheating before in prior relationships. She doesn’t see it as so bad since she always broke up with whomever she was with the very next day. She didn’t seem to perceive that the fact that it happened before breaking up constituted a major breach of trust. Her opinion was that it wasn’t so bad, since it’s not like she went on like nothing happened. I disagree.
She’s quite a pessimist about relationships. She seems to question whether life-long relationships are really possible (or even that they are “right”). I am quite the opposite, being rather an optimist regarding life-long relationships, assuming that proper choices are made to begin with.
I’m leaning towards the opinion that this would be a poor choice of partner in a serious relationship, even though almost all other factors are excellent. I think that the two points mentioned are almost as important to a successful relationship as, say, the correct gender.
Of course, I could always go into the relationship knowing these things and taking a risk. If there was ever a problem because of either of these two factors, I couldn’t really complain since I went in with my eyes wide open knowing that they could cause problems. However, perhaps relationships can sometimes be a little like investing; the greater the risk, the greater the potential payoff. (?)
What are your opinions? Consider involvement or keep lookin’?
It’s entirely possible that her past experiences have jaded her into building up walls. But that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t be the one person who proves you right, and her wrong.
That’s a poetic and romantic notion, sure. But it’s possible.
dude, follow your heart, do what it says, yes sometimes it says to do something and you know you shouldnt, but if shes right for you and your right for her then there shouldnt be anything to worry about, and about her cheating, give it to her right and she wont. thats all.
Sorry, but I take cheating very seriously and would consider it very, very seriously before I got very involved with a multiple cheater. One, I could understand, but it sounds like it’s happened more often than that. I don’t want to be another Day After Breakup, to coin a phrase.
I’m with GMRyujin, mostly. Is your relationship with her at a point where you could talk about this openly? That’s what I’d suggest; communication is always key.
Tell her up front: “I think you and I could make a fabulous couple, and I think I’d like that, but a couple of things are worrying me. Specifically, blah blah blah…” (Word it less pompously than that, of course.) And see what she says.
In other words, tell her, not us, what’s going on in your head. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, maybe that should be cause for alarm.
First and foremost you gotta have trust. So many facets of any relationship depend on trust that a lack of trust can just up and bite you in ways and at times that you can’t evision beforehand.
Voice of experience here. Almost immediately after I got married I was hit with a betrayal of trust that has lingered lo these 26 years. Way too long to go into here but it wasn’t a simple infidelity.
In my more reflective moments I regret that although we made it through, our marriage has not been what it could have been. A distance is between us that time hasn’t been able to completely close. It’s small now but it’s there and it gets close to the surface every now and then and subtracts from what should be. It’s something that shouldn’t be but is.
I’ll respectfully disagree that the greater the risk the greater the reward when it comes to relationships. IMHO the greater the risk in relationships, well…the greater the risk. The whole idea, in the final analysis, is to be happy. I will submit that happiness is very difficult to achieve and maintain in a relationship with ongoing trust issues.
Try and be happy. Imagine what kind of amazing experiences you can share, but also realize the devastation that can occur emotionally. I also agree with jackelope’s assesment, that you really need to talk to her about this, and if there is any hesitation in doing so, you should hesitate twice as long in getting into a serious relationship with her.
Rayn and jackelope, the reason I bring it up with you folks and not with her is that there is nothing that she’d be able to offer that would allay my concerns. The explanations of the situation(s) surrounding the cheating (I believe it happened more than once based upon our conversation at the time) would mean little to me, as it is the failure to recognize the gravity of the breach of trust that concerns me even moreso than the cheat itself. Besides, whatever the explanation, it could easily be followed up with, “but I’d never do that with you.” Uh-huh. There’s no guarantees. I’ve heard on several occasions, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” That isn’t necessarily true, but just because she says it will never happen, doesn’t mean that it won’t.
Second, her pessimism regarding relationships just is. How significant a factor I believe it is is far more important to me in making this decision than her opinion on its significance.
Essentially, I have to decide whether the risk of these problems showing themselves at some point in the future, be it months or years or never, are big enough to sway me from getting involved seriously. This decision is completely mine and there is nothing that she’d be able to offer to change that. This is something that one would normally discuss with friends, etc. but I don’t care to bring up the topic with anyone that knows she and I, as I don’t care to cast her in a dark light or sully her reputation in any way with those who know her regardless of whether we become seriously involved. This is why I turn to y’all for your opinions on the subject. Ultimately, I will make the decision on my own, but having others’ perspectives is certainly helpful.
IANARE (I am not a relationship expert!), but I think there are many good points here:
you like each other
you feel suited
you’re both honest
Of course the two points above are very significant.
Perhaps you could try aiming for an engagement period, while explaining (carefully) that you desire a loyal and romantic relationship.
There aren’t that many possible life partners - it should be worth seeing how this goes.
Certainly your/her past experience will bear weight in this relationship.
I have never been cheat on or cheated. DH has never cheated, but has an x who did cheat. He was devastated. He, expectantly, had a big issue about cheating.
We talked about it before getting seriously involved and agreed that if either of us felt like we were interested in someone else, we would leave our relationship prior to pursuing it. We both decided we would rather deal with painful honesty up front than painful deciet later. It is a deal we made.
Later his ex started hanging around, showing up, being there, etc. I told him if he thought he was even slightly interested in her (hey, they had 12 years together), I wanted him to go find out about it Now. He talked some with her and decided I was the better choice for him. We are now going on 12 or 13 years.
You two could do something similar, but you will need to feel she is being honest with you and has the strength to tell you if something is up.
Really, really tough call. Sometimes the most interesting and compatible (interests wise) women are simply not going to settle down to one man.
In the normal mix of things, whatever her other good points, it sounds like her attitude toward committment is roughly " I’ll be good until something comes along that’s better"…and as you indicated she has given you fair warning that this is her position.
Make your own choice. It would be nice to have fun with a woman like this, but in the end she would likely move on once she got tired of you or found something better. Some people are just wired that way and there’s nothing you can do about it. Trying to coerce her to agree to be resolute in her committment to the relationship is (IMO) a waste of time in the end.
Have fun while you can, but she doesn’t sound like the lifetime committment- marrying kind. If you’re looking for a wife I would encourage you to keep moving.
Who cares if she cheated before ?! The fact that she even told you that means some kind of trust. Also if you dont do your “job” properly you deserve to get cheated on. Bad boyfriends and girlfriends deserve getting cheated on.
So go ahead and show her some good time and loving. Men might be more fickle about cheating... but a well loved woman should stay faithful.
If in the end she does cheat on you unwarrantedly... then at least you tried. To give up due to silly notions of "cheating" even before you try... come on. Follow your heart. Otherwise in the future you will think how silly it was not giving it a chance.
Now if she has some other horrible habits or problems... maybe dont do it... but past cheating ?! Come on... stop judging people.
Sounds like you and she are from the same school of thought. “Cheating? P’shaw…it’s a non-issue. But horrible habits? What? She picks her teeth? Get rid of her!!” Maybe I should hook the two of you up. She’s hot!
Perhaps you’ve heard the adage, “Those who forget the past…”?
I’m afraid you have no ground upon which to stand to castigate me for “judging others”. In making the decision whether I want to invest my time, energy and emotions in developing a serious, committed relationship, I am entitled to consider all that I know about her. If she has cheated in serious relationships in the past, what reasonable person should ignore that? Especially as I was once cheated upon in the past. I knew then that it was possible, as she had a history of being unfaithful. It was heart-wrenching, and I must decide if I’ll risk that again.
Just out of curiosity, would you consider an open relationship? That way it’s not cheating if she (and you) have permission.
Although since she breaks up with the guy the day after the cheating happens, it’s pretty apparent that she’s already checked out emotionally of the relationship. It doesn’t seem likely that on multiple occasions she’d go out, cheat, and then figure out she was breaking up the very next day. Because of that the cheating doesn’t strike me as that big a deal, and the breach of trust IMHO comes more from her lack of honesty in letting the partner know that she was emotionally checking out before it happened and possibly giving that person the opportunity to work on the underlying issues. Perhaps the same thing that leads her to check out emotionally is what’s made her so pessimistic about relationships too. My feeling is that the two concerns are likely for her stemming from the same root cause.
Interesting points, Otto. I’ll have to consider that re: checking out. No, I wouldn’t consider an open relationship. I’m pretty big on commitment and monogamy.
And Rashak Mani, no, bad gf and bf do not deserve to be cheated upon. They deserve to be dumped. I would hope for your present or future SO’s sake that you can recognize the difference.