When a beautiful woman starts at work... what have you seen?

There’s a very attractive woman that works in my office. She’s a nice enough person, but to be honest I somewhat dislike having her as a coworker because I find myself constantly having to struggle to suppress all the lustful thoughts that come unbidden to me when she’s around. Having to exert this kind of effort into maintaining a professional rapport with someone is quite wearing. It would simpler and easier if she were not so attractive.

Here’s the thing.

If she’s new to the company, she’s going to be around a while. You’re going to see her a lot, just as you see all of your other coworkers all the time. There really isn’t any need to be a leering pig about it unless you happen to be a leering pig.

Same applies to women, when a hot guy starts. Sure, there may be some initial ooo’ing and ah’ing, but cool your jets, don’t embarrass yourself or cause problems, don’t make them feel uncomfortable. You will get to see that person every day.

Right, because she should change because you can’t control yourself.

Serious answer:

I work in a professional engineering department of a large company.

In 1985, engineering was about 99% male. The company hired a totally stunning newly minted engineer. Of the behavior changes I noticed within the staff:

One engineer, whom I have since come to believe doesn’t respect female engineers in general, disparaged her work. She was new, and did make mistakes, but I think he over did it.

One engineer very strongly wanted to date her and probably marry her. But he wasn’t a jerk. I’m not even sure he ever asked her out, though. Just dreamed.

Even then I had a rule about not dating coworkers, so I treated her professionally and courteously, exactly like I did every one of my coworkers.

I don’t remember a lot of talk amongst “the boys” about her looks, but it may have happened and I just forgot it.

I do know it was difficult to evaluate her work skills properly. I could never be sure when complaints about her work came in if they were due to her actually making mistakes, or because the complainer felt rebuffed that she wouldn’t date him or let him come on to her.

So that actually was an effect on the office. You couldn’t trust coworker’s opinions about her. You never knew what they were really thinking any more.

The facilities staff, however… well, she started finding notes on her desk, with overt attempts at dating her. She even had flowers delivered by someone from facilities at least once. I’m not sure any notes were crude, but I believe some were…not subtle. I knew she got them, but she didn’t always tells us what they said, other than “got another one!”. I know it was a distraction, and made her uncomfortable. Because of that, I doubly endeavored ever since to never give even an impression of improper behavior at work.

She eventually quit, got married, and has kids (well, probably grandkids by now! Where did the time go?) Whether that was due to how she was treated, or just because she wanted that, she never told me.

Here now in 2018, engineering is about 70% men. One of my coworkers is an attractive 50-something engineer, who complains to me that some men in the company don’t give her respect. That they go over her head or behind her back with questions, it would seem because they don’t think she’s good at her job (she is).

So sad to see that in this day and age.

perhaps you misunderstand, I am the one that’s making all the effort here, there’s no expectation that she do anything here.

Just Asking Questions, thank you for that recollection. You hit on the head some of the points I was trying to make.

But you’re complaining about how wearing it is and thinking it would be better if she were not so attractive.

Which is really basically “This is hard on ME and it would be better if SHE was not X”.

What might work better is for you to take a step back and ask yourself why it is so wearing on you and what can you change in your thinking to make it less so. If you were seeing a therapist and had brought this up to them, this is what they would ask you to do. Own it, change it.

:dubious: From the point of view of her and your other co-workers, what might really be simpler and easier is if you didn’t work there.

Of course, I’m not really suggesting that you should quit your job because of your problems dealing with the fact of a co-worker’s physical attractiveness. But do you see how the way you frame the situation is making your difficulty with controlling your emotional reactions into a problem that you displace onto her?

You’re the one with some self-control issues that are making you uncomfortable, but how you respond to that is by “disliking” your co-worker’s presence in the workplace, and assuming that the natural solution to the problem is for her to be different from what she is.

If you focus more on thinking that this is your problem, rather than on your feelings of annoyance and weariness about dealing with a problem that you regard her as being the cause of, you might find it becomes less of a struggle.

(It also might help to remind yourself that if other people knew about your problems dealing with this co-worker, they’d be less likely to be impressed by them as a sign of your powerful virility or whatever than somewhat contemptuous of them as a sign of deficiencies in self-control. If you notice an attractive co-worker and enjoy the sight and keep your noticing and enjoyment to yourself, that’s one thing. But if you really have to constantly struggle with your reactions to the point of becoming weary and resentful, that might be an indication of something you need to work on.)

(ETA: wow, ninja’d by Chimera on almost every point!)

Let’s try to turn this on its head to see if you understand why what you’re saying sounds kind of MRA-ish.

“There’s a very unattractive person that works in my office. They’re a nice enough person, but to be honest I somewhat dislike having them as a coworker because I find myself constantly having to struggle to suppress all the disgusted thoughts that come unbidden to me when they’re around. Having to exert this kind of effort into maintaining a professional rapport with someone is quite wearing. It would simpler and easier if they were not so unattractive.”

Does that help?

I was going to comment that you were whooshed, mostly because the alternative was too depressing to consider. But I see that was wishful thinking. :frowning:

Clearly the problem is mine for having impure thoughts to begin with. But at least I can console myself that I have exercised sufficient will to not act on these impure impulses. If wishing I didn’t have to be in a position where I have to face that kind of internal struggle makes me a bad egg so be it.

So then how do you actually propose to not be in that situation in a way that doesn’t rely on other people changing or not being there?

Maybe you look forward to seeing that person when you get to work. You might even look forward to going to work. I’m sure the boss appreciates that.

I’m not holding any grudge - I don’t care.

I am not judging women solely by their looks if I notice that they are good-looking. Feel free to decide otherwise - you are going to have to point to some specific instance where I am demeaning or dismissing them before I will care.

It isn’t just a question of intending harm - it is a question of what harm is actually being done.

Regards,
Shodan

As a person who has confessed to having hormones and finding them annoying in this very thread, I feel I should give Cardigan a hair of support.

I find rain annoying. I am annoyed when it rains on me. I’d rather it weren’t raining on me. But I don’t think the planet is obligated to change its weather systems for my personal benefit. If I found the rain so problematic that I couldn’t stand it then yes, it would be prudent of me to quit doing things that ever put me in the rain - to take proactive measures to avoid the situation. But it’s not that bad. It’s just annoying, though, so I put up with it.

Telling me that disliking being rained on makes me an awful person and that I should become completely apathetic and unconcerned by rain - those instructions wouldn’t impress me.

Similarly, I find it bothersome that my stupid hormones try to distract me when I’m in the room with curvy women. That does NOT mean I want them to quit, die, wear frumpy clothes, or anything of the sort. It’s just a bothersome situation that I have to deal with. That’s all.

That said, I don’t think that the efforts I make to tamp down my hormones are laudable or deserve any sort of special praise or recognition, any more than I think that I deserve approbation for remembering to put my pants on in the morning. It’s just something that a civilized person does.

I think the point is, you can notice if they are good-looking. But telling other co-workers that fact might eventually lead back to her. Then she may treat you differently, or feel you are treating her differently based on her looks. And she might not like that.

I never actually stated the desired method of resolution… But how about this: I wish my uber attractive coworker would get the opportunity to earn a seven figure income working as a supermodel (and IMHO she could plausibly compete in that profession).

No one said he was a bad person or that he should become apathetic. We’re not picking on him. I merely pointed out that the problem exists in his head, not in her person, and that’s where it needs to be addressed.

Per your rain example; “Well, it isn’t going to stop raining, so what are YOU going to do about it?”

I could suggest moving to a desert where it doesn’t rain much. In this case that would be a very poor suggestion. “Just don’t work with women” :rolleyes:

LOL. Dude, I think “CEO” instead of “Super Model” would have driven home your point better.

I mean, I get what you’re trying to say, but still…

Ok, so you wish she would go away?

I know you didn’t state a desired resolution. I’m just pointing out that she has zero responsibility for how you feel and it should not be made to affect her ability to be employed by the same company you work for.