… sometime in 1994. Well, the early 90’s wasn’t kind to music … what, with talent like Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain and Frank Zappa passing away and all.
Although, music had been going gradually downhill for at least 3 or 4 years prior to this.
Nowadays, there are just a handful of musical formulae:
(1) The ‘Techno For Dummies’ Formula. Get some incessantly catchy break beat, put some appalling vocals to it, get anywhere between 1 and 5 blondes with big boobies to mime in the video and hey presto, instant Euro Top 40 Dance Hit! I am sure there are just one or two really dodgy guys living in the South of France that have 90% of this market cornered.
(2) The ‘Brown Sugar’ Formula. Take three or four very attractive women (with at least two members of the band being of a group being black), get them to use their usually not too bad voices, and mangle their angelic singing by putting it in a textbook R&B tune and make them use the word ‘booty’ at least 20 times in a song.
(3) The Manufactured Pop Band. Ah, too easy. Don’t need to describe how one of these are made.
(4) The ‘I’m A F…king Brit and If You Don’t F…king Like It You Can Go F…k Yourself’ Formula (a.k.a. BritPop). Oasis started this vile, evil trend. The label “Brit Pop” and/or “Indie” used to mean good quality music that was really different (e.g. The Smiths, The Cure etc). Now it just means some weedy little tosser whining about how he doesn’t get enough groupies and when he does get groupies he ends up with a new range of STDs to take on the road with him. If I ever meet one of the Gallagher brothers I will personally kick the shite out of them …
(5) The Teenage Angst Formula. Lots of piss and vinegar to heavy guitars. Korn. Limp Bizkit Etc.
Well, now i’ve deconstructed music, i’m going to try setting up a chain of acts that are heavily reliant on the Techno Teen Angst R&B Manufactured Brit Pop formula, and then sell the whole shebang to Sony for a shitload of cash! Hee hee hee!