I have to agree with Giraffe, you probably need to be very careful what words you use in talking about situations like this. I agree that the first betrayal happened when he didn’t tell Mia to back off. I would also argue that he was cheating in his heart when he didn’t make his unavailability clear to Mia then - I don’t see any reason why a happily married man wouldn’t tell her to back off after she plants an obviously sexual kiss on him.
Talking about vows not to fuck other people is too simplistic; my husband and I are the first in each other’s hearts, and actions that don’t agree with that are not cool with either of us - it doesn’t have to go as far as any genital bumping. He could betray me with another woman without ever touching her (I mean that it’s possible, not that he has permission ).
Well, there’s physical cheating (an absolutely no-strings hookup with a prostitute would qualify), and then there’s emotional cheating (falling in love with someone else, even if you don’t get past 1st base or even keep things strictly platonic physically). Both are possible at once of course. I assumed that he was so shocked at the initial kiss (I would have been) that he was unable to offer much argument at the time, but in the 2nd instance a mature faithful man would have politely but firmly told her no to further shenanigans.
I’d follow Giraffe’s definition of “cheating” as the “breaking of sexual fidelity” and thus put it at the kiss on December 9th. (I’d count passionate tongue kissing as sexual.) I’d argue the peck on the cheek on Dec 2 was fine, and receiving the passionate kiss, while less easily defensible, is more receiving than giving. At this point Alan is probably confused and a bit vulnerable; and it’s hard to resist sometimes when it’s given to you.
However, the lie on December 9 is definitely problematic, and while not “cheating” in the physical-sexual sense, is at least equally bad, or possibly even more so. In terms of relationship morality I’d put honesty above sexual fidelity.
I’m trying to imagine how that would go; it’s not his fault that Mia kissed him passionately; would telling his wife be the right call then, if things didn’t go any further, and he told her to back off? They say one of the criteria for what you shouldn’t do is anything that you wouldn’t tell your partner, but does your partner need to know about a non-reciprocal kiss that you didn’t initiate and you aren’t allowing to go any further? Does it benefit your relationship for your partner to become suspicious and hostile of a co-worker (for good reason)?
Hard to say - I’d say that when he lied to his wife, it went from flirting (which even tongue-kissing is filed under, in my book) to the beginning of cheating; however, the cheating was not actually culminated until the handjob.
Therefore, I chose option 7. However, everything from option 2 forward would be cause for Serious Repercussions IMO, and the wife would have every reason to be pissed as hell when/if she found out about them, even if they went no further.
The kiss was OK. He didn’t participate he was just there.
He started cheating when he made the mental note about Mia’s interest in the jewelry. Between the kiss and that moment his guy juices had been fermenting in his guy brain and this looked like a chance for something. He didn’t know what bet he knew he wanted something.
The kiss was OK. He didn’t participate he was just there.
He started cheating when he made the mental note about Mia’s interest in the jewelry. Between the kiss and that moment his guy juices had been fermenting in his guy brain and this looked like a chance for something. He didn’t know what bet he knew he wanted something.
I personally say it’s the 9th, but my specific answer isn’t in the poll. It’s when he makes mental note of the piece of jewelry that she’s looking at. That, to me, says that his fidelity is fading. I could excuse the first kiss he didn’t pull away from if he actually stopped everything at that point and knew it was wrong. But the making note of jewelry? That’s it.
Edited to clarify a bit: Cheating, to me, is not just physical. I’ve seen true emotional affairs and the fallout is often just as bad and hurtful. When he starts pulling away from his wife, mentally and emotionally, that’s when the cheating starts. It doesn’t mean I think it’s past the point of no return, though.
I think it’s neat if you stop the scenario at some point before it gets to the end, and assume that she moves away/he tells her off/wife discovers some kind of evidence. Try to figure out from there if it’s cheating, and it gets more interesting. What would he be able to say to justify his actions? The first kiss - “oh hey, I was stunned, I didn’t want to make a scene, I didn’t know what to say”, but it gets tougher from there. Lying about who he was with? After that it gets even tougher.
Though I am, of course, utterly incompetent at marriage and romance, I think an ethical man absolutely has to tell his wife about receiving such a kiss; she is entitled to know, and to demand that the husband re-assign the secretary if such is practical.
The person Heike Makatsch is hot. The character of Mia, however, is not. It’s similar to the way that Alyson Hannigan is smoking hot while playing Willow Rosenberg or Michelle Flaherty, only so-so in her public persona and in still pictures, and entirely unhot as Lily Aldrin.
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