Ah, the age old question. I’d probably find it asked somewhere in the archives, but since I’m lazy, I’ll ask again.
What is your definition of cheating on your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend?
I personally define cheating as any intentional act with another woman that I know will hurt my wife.
I know that’s a very wide brush to paint with, and I’m fine with it. I never want to hurt her, in anyway shape or form. Therefore, anything that may bring her to question what I’m doing or make her feel uncomfortable would meet that definition.
I view it a *little *differently than your definition. For example, if I called up a particular ex-boyfriend of mine and had a friendly lunch date with him, it would hurt my current SO, but I don’t think it would be cheating.
So, I’ll elaborate upon your definition and say “any act that is intentional and clearly done out of physical or romantic desire that I know will hurt my (SO).”
10 Take on second+ wife and possible family
9 Regular mistress
8 Visiting a prosititute
7 Unplanned one night stand
6 Unplanned blow job
5 One time drunken kiss
4 Lap dance in a strip club
3 Woman you regularly have platonic activities with (ie a regular female lunch partner or drinking buddy)
2 Exchanging contact information with another woman (non professional setting)
1 Flirting with another woman
Level 1-3 involve no physical contact, but could be considered “emotional cheating”.
Level 4 involves physical contact but in a very specific way. For example, most clubs have a “no touching” rule.
Levle 5-7 is actual cheating however they are unplanned, unpremeditated and not repeated
Level 8-10 are the most severe as they are planned, premeditated and repeated.
1,3 and 4 aren’t cheating in my book; there’s generally no betrayal involved, and unless the wife is particularly jealous, nothing for her to worry about.
I mean, all 3 of those are common, regular things among many happily married me (me among them). Some of our wives even encourage #1, if it’ll achieve our goals better (i.e. if I can sweet-talk the woman at the govt. office into getting our stuff done sooner, my wife is all for it).
Having friends of the opposite sex isn’t cheating; generally speaking, good opposite-sex friends have a great deal of respect for each other & their SOs, and don’t come on to each other. If there’s some kind of attraction there, then it’s a different story, but the post said “platonic activities”.
And really… strip clubs are nice, but nobody seriously believes that those girls are grinding on you because they like you or want to have sex with you. It’s a trade; you get to see good looking mostly nude chicks, and they get money from your wallet. Unless you’re thinking you’ll dump your wife for a stripper, there’s no harm there.
My definition would be very close to this. I would say, “Any intentional act that is done to initiate some sort physical or romantic contact with someone else, that I know [or even think] would hurt my SO.” I think flirting-without-intent with someone whom one finds attractive (in which romantic desire would be present) would not be considered cheating, simply because there is no actual intent to initiate contact there. However, a casual date would be included, because of the possible initiation of further physical/romantic contact later.
But I would also like to add that cheating, for me, does not just involve intended gratification of physical or romantic desire. To me there is an implicit trust in my relationship that there will be no introduction of STDs from any outside sort – that means the use of potentially unsafe needles without prior consent from my partner is just as damaging as cheating.
To me, physical cheating, be it a drunken make-out session, or casual sex, or a whole other relationship, or using potentially infected needles, equates to playing Russian roulette with not just my life, but my partner’s as well. That is unforgivable.
To me, it’s not the act so much as the dishonesty about the act that makes it cheating. If you do something and your spouse is fine with it, then there’s no problem. If you hide the act because you know your spouse will not like it, then there may be a problem.
One of my friends had a wife who was madly jealous of the fact that he had a rather glamorous news personality as a patient. This patient pre-dated the wife. The husband refused to ‘fire’ the patient over it, and went so far as to hide the fact that he had to do a colonoscopy on this patient. There was never anything beyond a doctor-patient relationship going on.
I would be unhappy with any of these. 5+ I’d dump him, because once you betray my trust, I’ll never trust you again. I can keep it in my pants, so can you. And I’ve been drunk and had offers, didn’t think twice. If 3 happens I’d like to know her too - I have one really good (straight, others are gay) male friend I hang out with a lot. My bf knows this guy, and if bf lived here he would know him very well (bf is two hours away). And he knows this guy is 8" shorter than me and that I am not physically or emotionally attracted to him, and him to me. 4 is something neither of us do - he thinks strip clubs are lame as do I. 1 and 2 don’t seem necessary to me - we’re both dorks that don’t flirt, and I don’t go around giving my number to guys unless we’ve already become good friends and bf knows him too (usually how it works out). And all my friends hang out together - I don’t have any friends I hang out with that are just my friends that aren’t part of my regular group.
While physical cheating is hurtful and horrid, emotional cheating would hurt me worse. I seriously doubt current bf will ever be a cheater, but I’d be more upset in the long run if he was becoming seriously emotionally close to another woman than if he’d been drunk and horny and gotten a blowjob or something. But no cheating or lying is acceptable to me.
So… If you buy her jewelry for your anniversary and hide it in back of the bookcase… That’s cheating?
Any physical contact more than holding hands, hugging, or kissing is probably cheating. Those particular acts? It depends on how they are done, for how long, and with what intent.
What’s your opinion on this? A few years ago, I went ice skating with a coworker. Being that I was pretty unsteady on the ice, grabbed her hand out of sheer fear of falling (Like she would have been able to keep me from doing so!) Pretty much the entire time we were on the ice we held hands, but never off of the ice. Oh, and she brought me some cookies she’d baked.