At what point are you "cheating" on your SO?

Someone asked my opinion on this last night, so I thought I’d get some other people’s opinions on it. When is it considered “cheating”? Spending time with someone else? A little kiss? Petting? Or is it not really cheating until you achieve penetration??

(We all know Bill Clinton’s answer. I want YOURS!!) :wink:

Probably almost everyone has, at one time or another, thought about cheating (even Jimmy Carter lusted in his heart), but I would say that as soon as you stop thinking about it and act on it, it would be considered cheating, at least to me.

That goes to say, kissing, petting, etc. is way past the cheating point. Probably walking out the door and getting in your car and going to meet this person is already cheating. If you feel the need just to spend time with someone else and not tell your spouse/SO, that’s gotta be an indication there’s something wrong and its either time to sit down and talk to your spouse/SO or get out of the relationship.

If it’s something I did with another man/woman that I would hide from my SO, it’s cheating.
Q: So you could sleep around and tell your SO and that wouldn’t be cheating?

A: Well, she wouldn’t be my SO for very long if I did that. If it was OK with her, then I’d say no, it wasn’t cheating.
Q: So, if you and a friend planned a surprise party for your SO and didn’t tell her, that’s cheating?

A: No, I mean any behavior that I would hide because I think it might thraten the relationship. Let’s not get into Clintonesque hairsplitting here.

I remember discussing this topic back when the prez had his whatever-it’s-called-now with Monica. I say that if you receive ANY level of sexual pleasure from another person who is not your SO, you are definitely cheating. Sharing emotional stuff with someone else that you should be sharing with your SO is a different kind of cheating, but is cheating just the same. I would include actual sexual contact with someone else, self pleasure induced by another (ie. jacking off at a sex club), phone sex. I would NOT include printed or video porn unless you are ignoring your SO in favor of it. I’m sure there’s more, but that’s just what occurs to me right now.

I agree with ren here. Cheating is anything you do or did that you really know you shouldn’t.

If you couldn’t do it with your SO standing right there, probably shouldn’t be doing it at all.

Two rules:
1.If you have to lie about your behaivor in anyway to your SO, it’s cheating. Or if you are ashamed of your behaivor, it’s cheating.

  1. If you are unsure if you are cheating or not, ask your SO. He/she will let you know.

If you can’t share it with your SO, its cheating. I like the with your SO there rule. I’m highly affectionate with my friends. Hugs, backrubs, cuddles. All me, all harmless. I also like to wander around wearing as little as possible. Harmless again.

If you mind your girlfriend doing any of that, I can’t be your gf.

Anything that feels wrong, is wrong. If you aren’t married and find yourself less interested in sharing your ideas, loves, passions with your SO, get out. If you are or count teh relationship as more than playtimes, work at it. cheating is just useless either way. Knock the relationship or control yourself.

Every person has their boundries. Cheating is anything that crosses your SO’s boundries.
You should find out from him/her what cheating is. Many people are different. Some people have very open relationships and allow a lot more than others. It is not cheating if it is ok with your SO. My girlfriend is attracted to other girls. I would not be mad at her if she kissed another girl or messed around with another girl. That does not cross a boundry for me. But if she even hugs a guy the wrong way I would be pissed. It is ok (for us) to go out to dinner or a movie with another person as long as that person is a friend. We trust each other. I would never cheat on her.

At one point you must communicate with your SO. You must find out what his/her limit is. Either live by his/her rules or leave him/her. But never cheat.

So if I get an erection from looking at another girl in a bikini on the beach, I am cheating?

I agree with the posters who say it is anything you would be ashamed to do in front of or tell your SO about.

I gotta throw in my 2¢ here.

Cheating is doing anything you don’t want your SO to know about because it would:

a) hurt their feelings,
b) betray their trust in you as a partner, and/or
c) seriously damage, threaten, or destroy the relationship.

Regardless of whether or not the relationship is one you want to be in, if any of these reasons pop up, to me it’s cheating.

I been there. I done that. I hope that T-shirt is gathering dust in a drawer somewhere else because I don’t even wanna look at it, let alone think about wearing it.

OTOH, if you both know where your comfort limits are, and you both have a mutual level of trust and respect - and this needs to be as explicit as possible - then go have fun.

I think that Bear_Nenno has is right. It is really up to your SO as to where the line is. If your SO can’t understand that people look, talk, and enjoy another persons company, live by it, or get out of it. If you do not deal with the situation you are really cheating yourself of a life

It becomes cheating when your SO says it’s cheating.

So if you are honest and open with all involved it is ok?

Would it be ok for you Lee, that’s what you need to ask.
Me and my BF have a very open relationship, and I’m comfortable with anything he is comfortable sharing with me.

“Open” relationships aside, there is an agreement in that SO relationship to be sexually and romanticly exclusive.

For me, any behavior that I would intend to lead to romance or sex with another is cheating on that agreement. But that’s me and I am admittedly weird.

The following is from an actual conversation I had with a female co-worker:
HER: ‘We fooled around a little, yeah, but I didn’t cheat on my boyfriend.’
ME: ‘You told five minutes ago that you blew the guy! That doesn’t rank as cheating to you? Do you think your boyfriend would call it cheating?’
HER: ‘Yeah, I blew him, but I didn’t have sex with him!’
ME: stunned and speechless

If your SO thinks it’s cheating, it’s cheating. If you think your SO might think it’s cheating, it’s cheating. Capisch?

As the readers of the towering monument to my own ego that is Ask Bi Guy can attest, I am withholding knowledge of my bisexuality from my wife because disclosure would do all three of the things you mention above. (I’m not speaking of behavior - I’m not sleeping with anyone else, male or female - merely of orientation. Anyone who wants to know my reasons for not telling her is invited to click the link above and read the thread.) Could this be construed as cheating? Maybe not, since you’re talking about things you do as opposed to things you are.

[annoying editor mode]Oh, and Alessan? It’s spelled capisce.[/annoying editor mode]

As I said in my original contribution, cheating is DOING anything you don’t want your SO to know about. Knowing you’re bisexual and keeping it a secret (for which you have my deepest sympathies, Chef Troy) but not acting on your desires is not, in my book, cheating.

But is it possible to live your whole life keeping that bottled up? Is it even psychologically or emotionally healthy?

[annoying linguist mode] The word you have in mind, Chef, is capisci. [/annoying linguist mode]

If you’re ever in a situation and you’re not sure… it probably is. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have crossed your mind.