Sparked by this thread where the OP is discussing play dates for her son.
First of all, what do you think is the distinction between play dates and going to someone’s house to play?
Second, when did your kid (or do you expect your kid to) stop having playdates and start just going over to someone’s house to play, assuming you ever had scheduled play dates to begin with?
And third, when did you start doing sleepovers? (And do kids still sleep over at each other’s houses or has that gone the way of the dinosaur, too?)
My answers:
I think a play date is when the supervision of at least one parent for each kid is still required, probably more for parental comfort than anything else (perhaps one parent disciplines differently than the others and is uncomfortable disciplining someone else’s kid because they don’t want to deal with potential consequences). Such an arrangement requires a modicum of planning to schedule a time that’s convenient for both kids and at least one of each kid’s parents. In contrast, just playing at someone’s house means that the kid is dropped off at their friend’s house and they do their own thing, with or without the friend’s parent(s) supervising.
My son still has play dates, though I think he’s almost to the point where they’re unnecessary. Both he and his friends are pretty manageable and I’d be willing to have one of his friends over to play without the other kid’s parents.
Also, my son has never had a friend sleep over. If he had a friend over a few times and that kid was able to control himself well, I’d consider it next year or the year after. I probably wouldn’t consider it yet, just because even four-year olds have a few more unpredictable moments than slightly older kids and I don’t want to handle someone else’s kid’s tantrum should one arise.
Depends on what you mean by a playdate. For me, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the other parents stay. By around the age of 4.5 or 5, we were fine with either walking down to a neighbor’s* house unannounced or calling the neighbor and having the kid walk down without us.
We’ve since moved (older child just turned 6) and we’re fine with her running down the street to knock on some doors (we watch her though). We still have to do “playdates” though for friends who don’t live in the area. Some of them are hard to schedule because the parents (typically SAHM) also wants us to stay and socialize rather than supervise and we often don’t have the time. With most others though, we’re fine with dropping off (and vice versa) but, of course, we have to call ahead and schedule so I do call this a playdate. Usually we just coordinate the dropoff time with the pickup being more open.
I’m not sure yet about sleepovers but she’s too young now!
*More like 6 houses away and there was a curve in the street so you couldn’t see all the way from one house to another.
Maybe it’s a simple question of verbage; to me, “playdate” simply means that it was arranged or at least discussed by the parents. As long as I feel as though my kid requires supervision, it’s my responsibility to both ensure that he’s supervised and to not foist responsibility for supervising him on to unwitting victims, and that means confirming with the other kid’s parents that they’re okay with him coming over.
Interesting. I wonder if our experience with the difference between play date and just playing is considered unusual. So far, it seems like it is. Regardless, every time we set some time up to have our son play with one of his friends, it’s generally assumed we’ll be there, too.
Maybe the parents are either a) terrified of being saddled alone with our child or b) actually want to hang out with us. I think a is unlikely, not because my son is an angel by any stretch, but because our children do play nicely together and we never have to pull them apart. Maybe we’re just completely dense and b is true. Sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake.
I’m sure they find you delightful. It’s just my experience that the parents don’t generally hang out together during the playdate unless the children are *very *young, or don’t know each other that well.
Hah! Thanks. Most people find us scary. Perhaps that’s part of the problem. They’re just afraid to say no or leave their child with us. That’d explain why they brought wine and cheese last time. Maybe they thought we’d eat them.
By your definition of playdate, (at least one parent of each child present for the entire time), they ended at 4. By my definition (it takes some parental planning and/or transport), they’re all still doing it, and my oldest is 10.
Sleepovers - my oldest started them around 8 or 9. The other two (5 & 7) aren’t quite ready for them yet.
Not a parent, but a much older sibling. For my youngest brother, play dates to just coming over to play started when the kids could ride bikes on the street by themselves - so, 5-6.5, depending on the kid. That way they could take themselves over, and call before coming home (so they were expected). Some parental planning/transport - for friends that live further - happens until they get their license.
Sleepovers at age 5-7, varying as per kid’s preference… My youngest brother never liked not sleeping in his own bed, so he started them late and ended them early.
Ya know, I’m over thirty years old, and I still go on play dates (set up by my wife or my senior partners, depending on whether the play date is social or business in nature).
Just going out on a limb here, but could it be the biracial kid aspect of it? Some parents when I was young expressed hesitation/general nervousness at having me around, and my parents later found out it was because they’d never met couples of different races, and thought maybe I played with caged monkeys or something crazy. Or maybe they really are just overprotective and think you’d eat them
I don’t think it has too much to do with that, if only because our son’s class is pretty diverse, so we’re not too odd, though I guess we’re the only biracial family in his room. I think it’s a combination of over-politeness (not sure if they actually can leave their kid with us since they’re at kind of an in-between age where they might need supervision, but probably not much), mild helicoptering and also just the desire to hang out with and know the other kids’ parents. Or I’m making all that up.
On the multi-cultural note, though, we do tend to get lots of questions about how we integrate our different beliefs, especially around Christmas-time. Half my family is Jewish and the other half Christian, while my husband’s family is primarily Hindu, but with a splash of Buddhism. Many people have some kind of wacky ideas about what we do and how we decorate at that time of year. The caged monkeys might make a good finishing touch.
And Rand Rover, I don’t think adults should ever stop having play dates. The more, the merrier.
You’re probably right, especially about the over politeness and the helicoptering. I just thought I’d throw it out there. I think my parents had a hard time grasping the idea that we were different in the eyes of other parents, and they didn’t quite see where other people were coming from. Thought I’d give you a kid’s perspective!
Just a small “in the future” heads up - there might be a parent in the mix - the ones who have wacky ideas - who tries to inundate the kid up on one of your shared belief set. It’s not even necessarily the Christian ones, it could be any of them. I had this happen to me a few times, but I was a bit older - 7 or so, IIRC. Almost trying to get the kid to pick a “side”, so to speak. Happened to my two siblings too, so it might not be a coincidence. Sorry for the hijack!
It’s just my experience that the parents don’t generally hang out together during the playdate unless the children are *very *young, or don’t know each other that well.