Anyone have any advice? I had a friend who did something that I got upset with them about. People get upset with each other at times–it happens–they get over it–life moves on.
Except this time the friend has apparently decided to just cease being friends with me and cut off contact.
It hurts a lot and I am very confused and don’t know what to do.
I guess I should expect it, however, because with very few exceptions I’ve lost every friend I ever had. I’m just not a very likeable person, apparently.
Hey, sorry about your troubles. I’ve been in similar situations, but I don’t know what to do for you. I’ll think about this and post again tomorrow with a more complete response.
I think friends are some of the most important things in the world. However, I don’t seem to have any deeply satisfying friendships.
I have gotten into conflicts where friends and I just could not continue the friendship because it hurt both of us so much. I still haven’t gotten over the trauma.
Opalcat- Unless you did something to break trust or injure someone’s feelings, don’t assume it’s YOU who is not likeable.
If someone repeatedly does it to YOU, then count yourself lucky for getting out of the “friendship”.
I know it’s hard to find true close friends… and the older you get, it seems harder to do it.
If you did nothing wrong, except get upset or hurt over something this person did, and they bailed- let them go. I think finding a true friend is almost as hard as finding true love. Keep looking, though…there really are some worthy people out there.
I had a situation like this last year… my best friend at the time just stopped calling me, stopped hanging out with me… I kept trying to talk to him and spend time with him and he was always “busy” or “had homework” or other reasons… eventually I discovered that he was blocking me on AIM. So I sent him an email that basically said “If you don’t want to talk to me, all you have to do is say so, blocking me is really an assholish thing to do.” So he unblocked me long enough to IM me and say, and I quote: “Well if you weren’t such a selfish, whining bitch who can’t take a hint, I wouldn’t have to block you.” and then signed off. I was at work at the time, and couldn’t properly cry like I wanted to. It hurts, alot. We didn’t speak to eachother for about nine months… finally, I wrote him an email that basically explained how I felt, that I was really hurt by what he did and what he said, and that he should have known better than to pull the “I’ll just ignore you and hope you go away” shit on me, since he’d been there when my ex-boyfriend (his best friend) did that to me, and he knew that I hated that more than anything… and laid out that I knew we would never be as close as we used to be but I would like to be friends with him again, or at least lay the resentment to rest… we got together and went out to a movie and for food one night, to talk, and then he never really made any effort to see me after that, and I left it alone, because he’s not the same person who was my best friend anymore.
Sometimes you can’t fix these things. I would suggest letting it all cool off for a little while (probably not the better part of a year, though), and then try to talk to the person and lay out how you feel. E-mail them and hope they read it, or track them down and tell them you really need to talk to them, and then lay it down for them. Tell them that you were really hurt and confused by what they did and that you still would like to be their friend… and if they reject that, let it go. There are better people out there for you to be friends with than a person who will treat you like that.
It could be that as you all get older, your interests change, you grow apart, and your relationships maybe can’t stand the strain. It’s probably nothing you did, but still it hurts when you’re dumped like that. I’m sure you’ll make new friends who will cherish you.
It isn’t that, as we’ve only been friends for a short time. I was all happy and excited that I had this new friend who I was getting to know and getting close to.
My closest friend lived out of town. I trusted her with information that I shared with no one else and she did the same. Both of us are mature women over sixty. I would have trusted this woman with my life.
Then one day, without warning, she turned on me. Not only did she shut me completely out of her life but she voted to shut me out of a forum that I had helped to establish. It has since gone belly up.
The only reason that she gave was “tough love.” She thought that she could cure my depression and mood swings by being tough on me when I was down. I was damned near suicidal by the time she told me. (Depression is very irrational.) Both the State and the Federal government recognize my illness as disabling and have for fourteen years. I couldn’t understand why a once loving and supportive friend didn’t understand after a five year friendship. We had had only one little spat in all that time.
I still don’t understand but I do know that I don’t need her paticular friendship.
Opal, I know it hurts like hell to be excluded – at least it did for me. Sometimes very creative people have difficulty sustaining friendships. Could that be one of the problems in your case?
I just wanted to second what AntaresJB said. People change. People change when your not looking. Then one day you realize they’re not the same person you knew long ago. By that point it’s almost inevitable that the friendship is going to end. I know it hurts. When it happened to me it felt like a part of me had died. I’ve gotten over it and I imagine you will too. Sorry if I can’t give you any better advice. The only thing you can do is wait. It’ll get better.
BTW Are you the same opal that everyone keeps saying ‘hi opal!’ too?
I think the only way for you to resolve this to any satisfaction, is for you to tell him your feelings. Whether or not he wishes to reconcile your friendship, you will feel better that you at least tried.
This happens to me too, with pretty much everyone I’ve ever known. I start getting to know someone and within a few months, they stop responding to my emails.
Do you spend all of your time with them bitching about this that and the other thing? Are you bitter and angry about everything? Do you bad-mouth other people?
I know that one, because I was that person. And no one wants to spend a lot of time with someone so negative and hostile. Believe me, I speak from personal experience.
Do you push too hard, demand too much? Expect too much of them? Burn up a lot of their time? Because that can also turn people off. If someone has to put a lot of energy into being your friend without much of a payoff, then they aren’t likely to want to continue to be your friend.
Do you respect their needs? Their time? The latter one there is very important. I have dumped several friends because they had no respect for my time and didn’t think twice of leaving me hanging because they could never be on time for anything.
Do you listen to them? Really? If the conversation is always about you, then you aren’t their friend. And they see that.
That being said, I have also ended some friendships because of the abusive behavior of those “friends”.
One couple had no respect for my time or my person. I was bitten in the crotch by their dog, slugged by their small children, had my property destroyed by both their dogs and their children. And in each case, the wife yelled at me, accusing me of kicking their dogs or abusing their children, even though she had been standing there, completely oblivious to what her kids and dogs had been doing to me. (I never kicked their dogs or struck their children. NEVER. That was simply her way of deflecting blame away from her perfect children and dogs.)
Lately, I have been “dumped” by another couple. They’re the ones who got me and my soon-to-be ex-wife together. Now that we’re getting a divorce, they have made it known that they don’t want to have anything further to do with either one of us. So Fuck Em’. They were always ‘fair weather’ friends anyways.
Opal, you and I talked about this incident in person, and I think that when you snapped at them it made the other person feel like you didn’t like them very much. The way that you reacted made them feel bad.
The issue over which you reacted is a deeply-felt one to you, but the other person needs to know that you don’t like them any less for doing what they did.
If this friendship is important to you, you need to tell them exactly that. Call or email and say you miss their friendship and want to try again.
Seriously, perhaps you didn’t know this person as well as you thought you did? You’ll be surprised how long a person will keep up the outer persona before they show their true selves.
Try giving them one last chance. If they don’t want it then make a clean break. Judging from how many people say hi to you, I’m sure you will find plenty of new friends.
