I Pit Former Friends

You know those friends who have been with you for awhile, the guys who’d never betray you, who offer a sympathetic ear when you have a problem, who you’ve helped through their tribulations, who have exchanged their darkest secrets with you, and who you would never betray?

Yeah, so two of those guys just ditched me. Douchebags just disappeared. One, after I got my phone fixed, left a message saying he wanted to talk…then blocked me from seeing his status updates on Facebook (I wasn’t even commenting on them!) and just pretended not to be getting my calls/emails. Other guy said he wanted to talk and then, after not calling when he promised, wouldn’t respond to my attempts to contact him (and I know he wasn’t super-duper busy, he was on Facebook posting stuff.). No texts, no nothing. Why? Did we have an argument? No. Was I doing anything worthy of ending a friendship over? No. But hey, why not just fucking disappear…

This type of things has happened to me since frigging high school. I don’t mind if somebody wants their space – and I understand some folks aren’t good at long-distance relationship – but fucking disappearing after months of staying in touch, even still being among my best friends? What the hell? One guy – after I thought maybe he was trying to dissolve our friendship and he said we were still friends – tried disappearing on me, and then when I sent him a few messages over the next few weeks asking him what was up…he said he couldn’t be friends with me anymore as long as I didn’t believe the Torah was entirely written by Moses and I had friends with similar beliefs. But hey…At least he, upon confrontation, gave a reason.

I pit all the fake friends out there who think it’s okay to just end important long-lasting relationships without notice. I spit at you for your callousness and apathy to real people.

You need to get better friends, and most likely you also need to be a better person. If this happens to you often, there is something fundamental about relationships that you aren’t grasping.

You sound like a very clingy person.

Stop looking for validation from your friends, and start just ‘being’ a friend.

Man it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year.

Guess you picked a bad day to quit huffing glue.

:clap! clap! clap!

Ah, Facebook. Remember the bad old days, when arguments about politics or religion generally required being in the same room with your friends, relatives, or acquaintances? Now you can unearth your irresolvable differences with people you otherwise would’ve coasted through life alongside (or forgotten about altogether), from hundreds or even thousands of miles away while you’re still in your bathrobe! And while drinking scotch and playing “Farmville”!

If this is repeating itself in your relationships, as you imply, then it’s time to take a hard look at the one thing they all have in common - you!

Most people experience an actual, formal, withdrawal of friendship rather less often then you seem to be. Which implies it’s not everybody else, it’s you.

And as long as you continue to blame others, you’re unlikely to develop the self awareness to examine, your contributions to these relationships, in a truer light.

When you get to thinking that no one measures up to your expectations, no one is coming through for you, the world is full of crappy people, it’s time to change something. Often, that something, is yourself.

Needing to ‘track down’ someone you recognize is pulling away from you, portrays you as somewhat needy. Could that be part of the problem perhaps?

I’ll agree with you guys that there are probably things I’m doing wrong in friendships (which I’m not aware of), but I think you got the causes all wrong. Yes, when a friend sends me several messages saying he wants to talk on a certain day at a certain time, and several days later he’s AWOL…I start to worry. Now, could be lots of things going on, but if 2 weeks later I see he’s been chatting up a storm on Facebook and hasn’t contacted me at all (after I’ve called once or twice), I’m like, WTF is going on. That’s not being clingy, that’s not “tracking down,” that’s just me dealing with the fact that this person has an inexplicable (to me) desire to ditch me.

How old are you?

I could’ve written the OP. I’ve had close, even “best” friends stop calling/texting, and no reply if I ask what’s up.

Part of the problem is that I have a much more “loyal, long-term” view of friendship than most people do. If someone’s a friend, I listen to their problems and help them move and include them on fun road trips… and I do not disappear on them.

So when it’s happened to me, my first question is “Did I do something wrong?” or “I’ve got to fix this!” Instead, I should think "Oh, just another friend who has a looser definition of “friendship” than I do. And now that I’m treating this more casually, sometimes, the friend’ll resurface months later with “want to go do ____?” And it’s clear they don’t even notice that they’ve been ignoring me.

I’m proud to say I’m getting to the point where I’m just shaking it off. But it’s been hard. It’s taken a lot of self-analysis, prayer, and a shitload of maturity. Mostly that last one…

I bet her job’s a joke, she’s broke, and her love life’s DOA.

I’m not much of an expert in the “friends” field (except the show - I love that show!), but I agree with elbows - if there is a common pattern that has been happening for a while with different people, I’d look at my own behaviour, and my choices in friends. Maybe you’re unconsciously picking flakes for friends.

Bpelta, I was like this once.

10 years ago, I could have written that OP word for word. If someone had asked me why I didn’t have any friends (or felt that I didn’t, anyway), I would have told them the same things you’re saying now. Turns out I was wrong. Like some are telling you here, if the only common denominator is you, then the problem is you. Yes, some people are jerks and will treat you like shit. That should go without saying. But, when otherwise kind & decent people are regularly disappearing from your life, you have to do some brutally honest self-analysis if you want to know the reason why.

You say:

Did they do those things? Did they really help you with problems? Keep your secrets? Do you really help them? Or was it all just a feeling you had? That you could rely on them and they you without anything actually ever happening? If it’s the latter, then it’s possible that you were more emotionally invested in the friendship than they were. People with depression & anxiety often do this. I speak from experience there. If it’s the former, well, same again. Either way, if you simply assume that they’re horrible fakes who don’t give a whit for the feelings of “real people”, then you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt.

Well played…

I could be the other guy, the friend who has disappeared. There are a couple of people I consider friends that I just don’t have the energy to deal with anymore. I know them well because we participated in activities for years that brought us together. Now, I don’t do those things anymore but they still want to get together. I feel a little bad not staying touch and I really do plan to get together with them. Then they call me and bitch at me because I haven’t called and they “have to do all the work of maintaining the friendship.” So I can stay friends and get bitched at and have to work at it or I can drop them and move on. I’m moving on.

Wow, I’m getting some really helpful insights today at SD! I never really thought of it in those terms…

Oy, that question doesn’t usually lead down a helpful road…but 25.

Same here. I don’t want a friendship that I have to farm obligatory points into for the sake of “maintenance” in fear that the other person is going to feel slighted at not getting enough attention. I’ve known people to say “So-and-so hasn’t called me in weeks, well, they’re not worth being my friend anymore!” It boggles.

Several of my closest truest friends I haven’t corresponded with in months-to-years, yet we can pick up again in a heartbeat like no time was lost. I have no time or wish to enable clinginess in others.

Well you’re right on the counts about my life not being where I want it to be…but – and oddly enough I had to clarify this in another thread today too – I’m a him, not a her.

I think I’ve discovered the issue. Do all of these online friends suddenly stop wanting to be friends when they learn this as well?