I’m curious if anyone has ever done that to someone or been on the receiving end of the “cut direct” as it’s referred to on another message board I frequent.
My main issue is- how far do you pursue it without coming across as a crazy stalker?
I’ve had an ex do that to me- contact me to reconnect after disappearing instead of breaking up for real- only to disappear again. I let it go in that instance because he obviously has no respect for me and my time and is a huge jerk for not having the guts to actually tell me he did not/does not wish to be in a relationship.
But what if it’s a friend? With a close friend from college she eventually explained/apologized and said that she was having mental health issues after I contacted her a few times to ask if she was ok. But if a more casual friend does it- send another text and that’s it? It’s tempting to call and ask what’s up (especially if the last interaction was a positive one) but I worry that could come across as intrusive.
I just find it very hurtful when people just…disappear…without explanation. Like they feel I’m so worthless as a person that there’s no need to even explain why they don’t want to talk to me.
Of course it depends on the context. That’s SOP in online dating, and justified in light of so many people wanting “closure” who are really just controlling red-flaggers.
OTOH, my brother cut our parents off cold for years, and I have to agree that it was the only way they’d ever see the validity of his point.
That makes it about you. Your desire to end things with ‘closure’ does not trump their desire to just end things.
In the case of someone with known depression or other issues, I would be more forgiving of multiple attempts to reconnect, but in the case of friends or dating partners, it should just be left alone.
I think it’s natural to wonder why things abruptly came to an end. The issue is how one handles it. Leaving it alone is probably the best option, I agree with those who have stated that it can come off as controlling (especially in the case of dating), but I’m curious as to why there would be a problem regarding at least wondering what the deal is.
I had a friend in high school, he was part of a group I hung out with. Really nice guy. We kept in occasional touch for a few years through college. Then he just disappeared. No one from that group has heard from him in about 3 years. One guy knows knew him well enough to have his brother’s contact info, and apparently the brother hasn’t heard from him in years, either. It’s just weird. We’re concerned something happened, but can’t seem to find anything out. I hope he’s OK.
If a friend drops off the face of the earth (i.e., ignores contact attempts for an unreasonable amount of time), there are two basic possibilities:
[ul][li]Person is no longer interested in the friendship[/li][li]Person is involved in something ultra-serious and can’t respond (e.g., hospitalized, prolonged family emergency, or kidnapped by pirates)[/ul][/li]
In either case, there’s nothing you can do, so there’s no need to worry. They’ll either contact you at some point to explain, or the friendship is simply over. The exception is if you are a character in a movie; if so, you should probably investigate and get those damn pirates.
I’ll call Captain Jack Sparrow to get him on the case. Just kidding.
Anyway, I feel really bad now for even entertaining the thought of asking what’s up based on some of the responses about being controlling. I just think it’s weird for someone to be like “Yeah, let’s get together!” and then disappear. I figure I’ll just forget it and if they contact me they do, and if they don’t then it’s sad, but I’ll just have to move on.
I don’t think you need to feel bad. There’s a middle ground. I know that I, for one, just have my head up my ass sometimes and am a lazy friend. There are a lot of people’s numbers in my phone, you know? And a lot of them I’m probably not going to call anytime soon. I think maybe that kind of relationship maintenance feels a lot more like work to me than it does for some people, and I can only sustain my end for so many people without burning out. That doesn’t mean it’s offensive or controlling for those other people to say “what’s up” to me.
It’s a safe policy to say if they contact you they do, and if they don’t they don’t, but I don’t think it’s the only acceptable one.
I had a fairly good friend from grad school move across the country. I tried to stay in touch periodically. After about 12 unreturned phone calls over a period of 6 months though, I realized she had no real interest in maintaining the friendship.
It definitely stung, but we can’t control what other people do. I was mad for a few weeks but have accepted it and moved on. I wish her well, but at this point consider her a “former” friend. There really is no other option except to realize that life moves on, and sometimes it’s without you.
That’s true. Maybe just ask if everything’s ok and then move on?
The situation is actually related to the friend with mental health issues. Long story short someone stopped speaking to me because I asked if we could reschedule plans because my friend was having a crisis. I don’t think I did it rudely and I apologized profusely, explained the situation the best I could without violating my friend’s privacy and offered alternatives to our plans.
The person who stopped speaking to me will be leaving the country permanently at the end of the year so I’m worried that they don’t want to bother with anyone with problems for their time here.
I knew a guy once who rented a room for many years in the house of one of my best friends. He was pretty vague about his past, but was a nice enough guy. We all got together often for golf and/or poker. One day he didn’t come home after work. No one has seen or heard from him since, and that has been 5 years or more ago. He simply vanished.
We never were sure how to handle it or what to do. There was no indication of foul play, he never picked up any of his (minimal) stuff, nothing to report to the cops. The more we thought about it, though, the more we realized that that is kind of how he arrived. Very strange all around.
This is what I’d do, essentially. “We haven’t connected in a long time. I hope everything is OK.”
Then I’d add the suggestion to lay out how/if you’d like the relationship to resume. If you don’t really want to renew the relationship, then maybe you don’t add anything, or end it with some form of “good bye” like “It was nice to have known you.” If you do want to renew it, then end with something that makes it clear you’ll overlook the awkward period of ignoring you: “If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know.”
Sometimes people who fall off the face of the Earth are hesitant to reconnect with people they lost touch with because they don’t know how to apologize for disappearing.
One of my oldest friends routinely does this. We get in touch & hang out a handful of times a year, whereupon communication randomly ceases & I don’t hear from him at all for months at a time. At this point, I think nothing of it because the two of us always reconnect eventually and this situation has effectively grown into the SOP of our entire friendship.
Granted, this buddy is far more of a vagabond than I am, so in his case this desire to “drop off the face of the earth” is a genuine yearning on his part. Hell, as I type this, my friend is in the middle of Timbuktu Alaska on a months-long fishing expedition.
How do I feel about that? Shit, if anything, I’m tempted to join him next summer because he always brings in good money from these trips.
If people suddenly disappear from my life, I assume they have good reason to. I might make an attempt to make contact once or twice, but, if I don’t hear from that after that, I just go along my merry way, assuming they have something they need to take care of, and if we get back in touch, we’ll just resume where we left off. I don’t take it personally. I know I’ve done it myself to a certain extent, and it was just me getting wrapped up in my life or wanting to take a mental break from the old life.
From hard experience, let me just add that sometimes one can get overburdened with other duties, and fail to keep in touch with a friend of colleague. When the interval gets a little too long, it can then feel embarrassing to re-establish contact…which if course leads to a vicious cycle of avoiding contact for far too long.
This explains my feelings as well. I meet new friends all the time, if I was still BFF with all the people I’ve met in the past there would be no time left in the day. There are a few people I wonder about, college buddies or old girlfriends and it would be awesome to find out about them but I don’t think they owe me anything. It isn’t even clear which one of us ‘dropped off the face of the Earth.’
Maybe I have a dog’s mentality. When I’m with a friend it’s fun, when they aren’t there, they aren’t there. Then, when they show up again we can have fun.
That said, a few people have told me that if I want to be friends then we need to spend more time together. I don’t usually stay in contact with those people anymore.
I appreciate everyone’s stories and responses. In a bizarre twist the person re-appeared. Sent me an apology text and stopped by my work. Maybe he reads the Straight Dope. Just kidding.
I do appreciate the advice and anecdotes though as I’m sure I will encounter this situation again. Especially as we’re all getting older, getting wrapped up in jobs, etc.
I’ve done it once. They were family and it was a last resort. I’ve done my best to make sure they can’t contact me to ask how I am, ever again. Fortunately, it doesn’t look like that’s what you’re dealing with here.
I’ve done the lesser version to friends before, mostly unintentionally. I’m very introverted, and dropping social engagements is one way I reduce stress when it gets to be too much. I try to explain that it’s nothing to do with anyone else, and if the friends talked to each other they’d realize that someone got me to respond often enough that I was clearly still alive. For some people, I guess it just doesn’t compute, though, and they’re always puzzled when I come back.
If you want “drop off face of Earth”
Steve Fosset: Of all the planes at the billionaire’s private strip, he chose one which can be reduced to something that will fit in a garbage can (Fabric over steel tube; don’t know if the wing had been covered in .016 aluminum).
Fly into a mountain range, use the plane’s STOL capabilities, have an SUV with an axe (or torch) and you’re gone before anyone starts to look.
Airplane engines are 2 halves bolted together to from the crankcase, the cylinders bolt on. Another 2 hours, and even the tiny engine is in pieces too small to detect.
Probably a bunch of my old college friends, classmates, and professors wondered the same thing when I stopped leaving the house due to mental health issues. At the end of that semester, I dropped out and moved back in with my mom.
I didn’t do it to hurt them, I was just trying to survive. That was almost 7 years ago. I’d let them know I’m ok if I had contact information for any of them…
