One of them tried to find me a job, listened with a sympathetic ear to my unemployment woes, and informed me of a secret of his before he told anybody else (except maybe like 1 person). l The other was influenced by my thought on a blog I used to run, we actually met initially after Internet correspondences (he was then a friend of an acquaintance). He expressed to me his feeling – on multiple occassions, in writing – that he could share who he really was with me and didn’t have to hide behind this entire facade he’d built up elsewhere.
Sometimes I wish the world was as simple as sometimes it seems to some of y’all over here at SD, ya know? Friends ditch me, I must always be doing something obviously wrong, looking at people wrong, making stuff up about them. That would be how life would work in a novel, but that’s not always how it works IRL. I might be doing something wrong, but I’m not forcing a fantasy narrative onto my relationships.
Just ftr, with one of these friends, our conversations amount to facebook chats and a long shmooze once a week. The other one, we talked once every couple of months, but we stayed in touch on facebook. I’m not even expecting them to do anything, and if they were to just lose touch (long-distance relationships, okay), no problem, that’s happened with loads of people and I’m not upset at any of them. But I do expect folks to converse when they say they’re going to.
That seems like a narrative of first, the kind of friendships you see in fiction and second, a rationalization of motive when these best friends leave you. I’m sure this sounds like I’m being rude or judgmental, but I’m saying this because I’ve been there and I know how miserable and frustrating it is to have people leave you for seemingly no reason.
Argue all you want, but I stand by what I’ve said. If otherwise good people keep ditching you, the problem is with you, and until you examine yourself and your part in making it happen, people will continue to ditch you.
And, one more thing, work on that defensiveness. It’ll only set you back even further.
I dispute the idea that since you’ve made comparison of my real-life relationships – which I’ve described – to fictional relationships, ergo, it’s likely my relationships are based on fantasy narratives. But, as you noted, you’re certainly entitled to your opinion.
Sorry, what’s the rationalization? I don’t know why they left. “Need their space” just means that, for whatever reason, they want to sever the relationship permanently or temporarily.
And, one more thing, work on that defensiveness. It’ll only set you back even further.
I’m sorry you mistook my taking strong issue with your explanation of my problems for defensiveness. I simply don’t think it speaks to the complexities of my situation. I certainly understand how you, from afar, would think it does speak to said complexities…but I simply think from where I stand your explanations sound rather naive in the face of my real world.
Friends do often just fall apart and go separate ways, and this has happened to many people for me throughout my life. But if they are actually ignoring you, and won’t give you a reason why the friendship is over, then they didn’t care much for you in the first place and aren’t worth your disdain or hatred or even another thought. A real friend, when confronted with why contact hasn’t been maintained will say something like, “You’re right, I wish we did spend more time together.” or “Life has been really busy and I just haven’t had time for friends.” or “I just don’t feel like we got along together very well in the long run.” SOMETHING. but to just completely ignore you when you talk to them about it just shows a complete indifference toward you.
That was just continuing the quote from “Friends” from earlier - no comment on your life intended.
Well, to make a huge generalization, you’re coming off as kind of feminine here, since guys don’t tend to get upset when their friends that they think they have deep emotional connections with disappear. Guys don’t seem to have deep emotional connections with their friends, period.
Yes and no IMO. Do they with somebody they meet a couple of months ago? No. Somebody they have known for years and been serious freinds with during that time? Yes. For that matter I’d put a man on man BFF against a woman on woman BFF anyday statistically speaking.
I’m just a person with a laptop, so feel free to disagree with me.
It sounds like most of your interaction with these people is virtual. Which is not to say it isn’t real, but it’s…well…virtual. Which means it’s a totally different kind of interaction, not to be confused with a friendship based on shared interests that you’d find out in the “real world”.
Guys in particular bond over activities. Hiking and fishing and bar-hopping…those kind of things. Talking is involved, sure, but that’s not really the glue. The actual being together is what matters. Without an activity to coalesce around, the relationship isn’t going to work.
So that may explain the ephemeral nature of your recent relationships.
Secondly, you’re sending off sad-sack vibes. Maybe that is not your intention, but that is what I’m detecting. You want friends that will provide a listening ear and “be there” for you. But friends like that are rare even under the best of circumstances. You don’t find them hanging out on Facebook or whatever. You’ve grown up together, you’ve shared life-changing experiences together, and you’ve seen (with your own eyes) them at their worst and vice versa. Also, most people don’t want to be a “listening ear” kind of friend. They just want to hang out and have fun together, especially if the encounters are infrequent. Being a problem-solver and a tear-cushion? That’s no fun. A relationship’s got to have more than Facebook exchanges for people to feel invested enough to extend themselves in those ways.
Haven’t read the whole thread, but I’ve experienced this before. It’s usually one of two things:
Guy with a girlfriend/wife who seeks to monopolize his time and actively tries to cut him off from his friends - particularly those she doesn’t like for whatever reason.
AWOL friend doesn’t like one of your other friends, and is willing to completely avoid you in order to completely avoid your other friend.
Are you sure what you’re really doing isn’t just keeping score? I was there for him, where’s he now? I listened to all his crap, now he’s pulling back! I would never betray him, now he’s betrayed me by abandoning me.
Because that’s not how real friendship works. When we feel resentment it is most often because we were anticipating something that didn’t materialize. If you’re giving your friendship, thinking it will earn you reciprocity, then you’re doing it wrong.
Think of someone disappointed with the Christmas gift their sister gave them. He spent 45$ and gave her something he knew would wow her. She gave him spent only $20 and the gift didn’t meet his expectations or needs. The fault is with him, a gift should be given without expectation of any reciprocity. Freely given.
Friendship is the same. If you’re giving, with expectation of the same back, you’re not giving freely. Your actions, infidelities, loyalty don’t obligate another to manifest the same for you.
It may be you’re not giving your friendship freely, without expectation of reciprocity. If so, the resentment you feel will not abate until you learn to give, all of yourself, all of your awesomeness, without any expectations at all. Let go of your sense of them owing you and you may just see things turn around for you.
I don’t think it is you, Bpelta. I think your x-friends are dicks and not worth your time. Find somebody that you like with similar expectations of friendship and who is capable of giving as much as you do. Good luck.
I read a post that sounded very similar to this on somethingawful a few months ago. As the OP revealed more and more about her life, it was discovered that she had some SERIOUS boundary issues and may very possibly have had clinical BPD (borderline personality disorder). She had a seriously long trail of former friends who refused contact anymore, because she would glom on to people the instant she got to know them and treated everyone like a best friend and turn every outing into a super serious conversation about her problems (she even offered to have sex with her friends to make them like her!). Even if your problem isn’t that severe, you may have some weird boundary issues that are driving people away. Regardless of the problem, it is beyond the internet’s ability to diagnose you. I will reiterate my opinion from your IMHO thread that you need counseling. Like, now. It may be cathartic to post your problems on the internet, but the internet cannot help you with these fundamental problems in your life.
It’s worth pointing out that you appear to get extremely defensive when your flaws are pointed out. Everyone has flaws, you’re not a special snowflake. If you’re even a quarter as defensive in real life as you are online, that could be part of what drives people away from you.
Frankly, you’re reaching the point in your life where a person’s capability to maintain very close and involved friendships is becoming pretty limited. I have maybe three or four genuinely close friends, and one of them I talk to maybe once a week, tops, and he lives on the other side of North America. I have a vast array of people who are “friends” but not really in any close sort of way; I count them among people I enjoy doing stuff with and working with and spending time with but I don’t help them with their “tribulations.”
Am I a shut in? Hell no. ** I’m an adult.** There are 168 hours in a week, and they’re all accounted for. I have a job, a daughter, the odd date, softball, and standup comedy. I coach soccer, write, run a household, and have to find time to exercise. Seriously, this “share my darkest secrets with, helped through their tribulations…” grownups just don’t have the time to come running to the aid of non-grownups on anything that even approaches a regular basis. Seriously, if I don’t hear from Casey for a couple of weeks I just assume the dude is busy, he’s got a business to run and a family to take are of and hockey twice a week. He assumes the same of me. If he started harping at me or acting clingy I’d start thinking about finding a new friend.
Rachelleogram, after reflecting for the past few hours on all your comments…I have to admit, I was just being a shmuck, but you’re right. I appreciate your advice. I now realize that I’m not a delicate flower who should never be criticized; if I write something on a message board, I really ought to be prepared for criticisms! The reason these two friends ditched me was probably because of how clingy I am. Cling this, cling that…they’ve grown up, I’m being petulant, time for me to grow up too! To do that – and I don’t know how you got this, but it’s true, I’ve never looked around for a properly helpful shrink before – I’ll have to start seeing a shrink.
And you know what, while we’re at it, you’re also right in the post you made in the other thread. I didn’t realize it till now: Whereas earlier I was only reflecting on replies to my OPs which make me feel good, I now realize that I ought to be open-minded and consider different points of view. Indeed, I was blinded to the truths that I will likely be fired in three months, that my coworkers probably don’t like me, that I’m coming off as a flake, that I’m irresponsible, and that maybe there’s no hope for somebody like me to ever have a job.
You know, that might all sound harsh, and I still think it’s fair to say none of those criticisms addressed my question in the other thread (on how to adopt a positive outlook after having made awful problems for myself)…but now I don’t have to delude myself with sugarcoating the truth of how awful things are. It feels good just to face the facts!
High school never ends. News flash= we’ve never grown up.
I just had my own little tiff. One of my best friends, we argued over something so entirely stupid, I yelled and apologized. She yelled anyway, we had electronic words, she appeared in our local hang out and punched me then slapped me… long story short (TOO LATE!) Cops came, I reported but did not charge her. I laugh at it, she doesn’t and. either do many of “the” friends.
We have ignored each other tonight. One cafeteria cupcake says it won’t last a week past afternoon locker time.
