Hey, if I could just turn into a breathtakingly beautiful human, I wouldn’t need to be hanging around with you suckers.
You’re a moderator. Obviously human is right out.
I’ll have to try harder.
Hey, I wasn’t born a moderator.
Though, I’ll note that we didn’t even have to send Marley his jackboots; upon selecting him as a moderator, the boots just appeared, having seeped through the skin from the inside. 
Maybe that’s why he hasn’t gotten his mug yet- it just sort of appeared in his kitchen cabinet and he hasn’t noticed.
Ah yes, just like Shakespeare said: Some are born moderate, some achieve moderateness, and some have moderation thrust upon them.
You can see why he revised this later.
Due to the sinking realization that the message board would not be invented for several hundred years, presumably.
Oh, it was around in his time. Mostly Pit threads about people who semaphore while operating a Hackney coach.
That’s only ONE person’s list. You still have a chance.
And who can forget the meltdown when he added a forum to discuss Hamlet!