I chose ‘after it’s clear we have some compatibility.’ I don’t feel the need to be officially in a relationship, and I’ve been known to sleep with people I wasn’t dating. But I couldn’t sleep with a random stranger, or someone who I had nothing in common with outside of a desire for sex at the present time.
Of course, where else?
Between relationships, after a year or so of recovery time.
Well, no, long before. Phone conversations usually don’t start until after the first 3-4 weeks of text-only communication.
If we met for lunch or coffee and I offhandedly remarked that I was rather interested in your notion of how you would most want to encounter 25 guys so as to assess their likelihood as future boyfriends, and, as a metaquestion, what did you think of your tendency to do so in light of your own theories and/or your favorite theorists (feminist or otherwise, please provide links) and to what extent do you think a male person in the reciprocal situation doing the exact same thing except, of course, mirror-image, would acquire different outcome result, and as a consequence OF that what do you think this says about gender and sexuality and OH by the way what’s YOUR opinion on how much of this is innately biological and how much is cultural and/or situational? … I would
• expect you to interrupt at least once
• in the course of your reply I would expect ME to interrupt at least once
• you would not have references readily available and even if you did I’d forget the links
• neither of us would word it as elegantly as we could if we had the chance to stare at it and reconsider the wording thereof.
• some stupid waiter would interrupt us anyhow
• both of us would get all distracted & whatnot in the immediate presence of each others’ bodies and considerations thereof and would not be paying appropriate full attention to the conversation
Look, I have seen females. Loosely speaking, of those between the legal onset age of umm something teenagerish (I forget exactly what) and oh I dunno 90 or thereabouts, the majority of you are quite yummy on a casual glance and encounter. Sufficiently so that a 2-3 hour in-person conversation plus ogling opportunities of seeing how you look happy triumphant bemused irritated passionate bored and intellectually emphatic really don’t do much to distinguish you from the minority that I would NOT wanna share bedspace with.
And me, I’m kinda offputting. Trust me on this. (As if this thread wasn’t already doing the job?)
What I most want to know is how you explicate determinism versus free will and how you elaborate on each definition, drawing from personal experience and intellectual passions and causes to illustrate the points you are making. And whether you construe the merits of sex objectification as described by feminists of the late 60s thru early 80s to be truly disempowering to women or to be a source of women’s power or both and how you reconcile the respective observations.
Before you have sufficient visual info to say whether or not you find me visually cute in a sexual way, I want to know your analysis of where and how the visual cuteness of male folk within the overall context of female sexuality falls with regards to visual objectification, female-centric defs of sexuality and how they differ from cultural norms largely defined by males, whether you harbor a lingering resentment towards the entire phenomenon of visual attraction as a consequence of the generic visual sexual objectification of women and if not how not and why not, and what it would mean to you emotionally and erotically if you didn’t.
I expect a vast vast vast boatload of complex intellectual and emotional curiosities on YOUR part, things YOU want to know about me and MY perceptions.
Meet in person? we can do that anytime. Why rush? How has in-person quickie dating worked for you so far? I don’t even want a JPEG until after the first month or so. Or your voice. Let’s wait on that. Text is cool. It is restrictive but mostly in a good way. Show me your text.
Sorry, I don’t show guys my text until after we’ve had sex. What kind of girl do you take me for?
So basically, you’re afraid they won’t be interested in you once they see what you look like, so you try to string them along and get something going online first. Gotcha.
Personally, I don’t consider purely online contact to be dating, but even if you do, it’s odd in the extreme to want to slog through six weeks of deadening online chit chat to see what a potential sex partner looks like.
Well, it depends? what should I take you for? Will you take me up on a nude wrestling match in an inflatable pool full of baked beans?
If so, then I would love to meet you, but I would be wary that you were taking advantage of me…
a) I’m actually kinda cute all things considered, so no.
b) were you female (you’re not, right?) the fact that you think of six weeks of text-based communication to be ‘deadening’ would eliminate you. Therefore it works. No need to waste add’l time on you as a prospect.
I met my husband online, we moved from emails to chatting to phoning and then met in person about six weeks after first contact. We consider that first face-to-face meeting our first real date, as an anniversary on the calendar, but emotionally that wasn’t a first date at all. It was just validation that the relationship we’d started online would have similar chemistry in person. That six weeks of build-up was wonderful, exciting and anything but deadening. Anticipation being half the fun, etc.
Obviously, it worked out well for us. 
Juh? This is how actual conversations go. Are you simply not interested in dealing with people in real life because waiters might ask how the meal is while you’re in the middle of discussing Hegelian ethics? If so, fair enough, but what is the point of finding a woman online to date then? Presumably so that you can speak to her in person, and have face-to-face conversations amid intrusive waiters, no? Unless you want to make sure that you have compatible lives of debating, always equipped with citations of every bit of research you discuss alone, without anyone cutting anyone off, or wait staff refilling your drink.
Because ideally you want to actually deal with the gal in person, and you can tell right away if you’ll get on with her in person if you’re actually talking in person. But hey, if you’ve got some super off-putting disposition that requires you to warm people up over the course of several weeks before dating, that’s fine. I guess the real difference is you consider that text messaging warming up period dating, whereas I consider that the prelude to dating. Dating people I’ve met before has worked out pretty well for me, in case you’re really wondering.
I said ‘before the first date’. my first BF, we had sex the third time we met. Second BF I picked up for a one night stand at a bar and we were together for 4 years, current BF I chatted with online for about 4 months while he tried to convince me to date him. We finally decided to hook up (supposed to have been sex only) and we’ve now been together for 8 1/2 years.
I answered theoretically, sorry OP. But since I’ve sworn off dating, if I’m getting any it’s going to be before a (non-existent) first date.
A Godless Jezebel and Sex Fiend, obviously!
Wow. So far HazelNutCoffee, you are in good… well… relatively speaking…
company. Seems well over 50% of you are “sex fiends.” lol That’s how many people it seems who have sex before they are in a committed relationship. 75% of you have sex before you are in love.
Wow. I did not expect that number to be anywhere near that high.
Seems love and marriage have nothing at all to do with sex anymore.
Are you intending the judgemental tone you keep conveying, SmartAlx? You sound like a Fundamentalist Christian who is disappointed in all the godless rutting he sees around him.
LOL
That judgmental tone is all in your imagination. I thought the is supposed to be used to convey a comical tone. I didn’t know that it was meant to be used like a wagging finger.
In case you forgot, we are on the Internet. There isn’t any sound. Any sound you hear me conveying is in your mind.
People in this thread might want to read this.
But seriously, I don’t know why you’re surprised. This isn’t the '50s.
I answered after a few dates. For me, the sex has to be decent for me to be in a long term committed relationship. Taking the car for a spin, if you will. Plus, you can tell a lot about a person by how they are sexually. Last guy I dated I had reservations about because he seemed pretty self centered and kind of a jerk. I was on the fence about continuing to date him, but I figured I’d give him one last shot. Plus, I hadn’t had any in awhile. So I slept with him and alas, it was the final nail in the relationship coffin.
Called me a whore after I dumped him. Guess it was deserved.
I’m not surprised that people are having sex. I’m surprised that people are having sex so casually.
Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. Well, except for sexual performance.
Had you danced with him you would have known that he was very self centered and a jerk. You didn’t need to give him some of your soul to prove that he was a jerk.
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a woman using sex to decide if she is going to break up with him.
This can’t be concluded from the results of the poll. One could reasonably hold the position that you cannot have love and marriage without sex, but can have sex with neither love nor marriage.