When is a beneficiary not a beneficiary?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll try to keep a complicated issue brief yet understandable.

My Mother passed last week. I had been seeing her every other day since she went in the nursing home in March. I had a pretty good grasp of her mental abilities. Before she went in the nursing home she would recv credit card and life insurance offers that I had to convince her were not a great deal. I did not trust her to enter into any kind of contract and it got to the point where I was her gatekeeper even prior to her moving into Nursing home & once she got there all mail was forwarded to me.

Sisters on the other hand believed Mom to be perfectly capable of handling her checkbook, dealing w/ mail, making complicated phone calls, etc. and actively resented me for my role. In their eyes, my role was helping to contribute to Mom’s downward slide.

Unknown to me, my mother changed her beneficiary on her IRA from all 3 kids equally, to oldest sister in January. I have no idea why this came up and I while I assume she was confused when she signed it and mailed it, I don’t have any proof.

My oldest sister is trying to do what she considers to be the right thing and is interpreting my mother’s wishes and is actually splitting the money three ways. Now, that is decent of her to do so, but what if my mother knew what she was doing and purposely named my sister as sole beneficiary.

I brought this up to my sister’s the other day while we were talking about money. Holy shit did I get slammed from both sides. If my sisters believe that my mother was competent at the time, then why won’t they consider that this was my mother’s wishes. Some very nasty personal and jealous things were stated. Apparently I was the golden child (who knew).

I’m actually feeling a little guilty for taking this money. I have no proof that my mother wanted me to have it and the only inkling I have is this form that she signed while she (theoretically) was in her right mind. I want to abide my mother’s wishes and if that means she wanted me out, then who am I to question?

Anybody who is nice enough to respond, my main issues are 1) guilt over taking $ that may not belong to me and 2) why sisters are not able to entertain the possibility that my mother did this on purpose. They called it disrespecting of my mother’s memory, but going against her wishes is equally disrespectful. Just because we don’t know of a logical reason for the change, doesn’t mean we should make believe it didn’t happen.

2

You may be right about your mother’s intentions, but at this point her intentions no longer matter. Your sister has the right to disclaim all or a portion of her inheritance. That is what she is choosing to do with the inheritance.

Assume that your mother did intend to leave it all to one sister. She accomplished that. Her wish has been done. Now your sister is giving you a gift. It doesn’t have anything to do with your mother’s wishes at this point. Your sister is free to do whatever she wants to with the money and she is choosing to give some of it to you.

You just lost your mother. You shouldn’t be making any important decisions right now. Accept the money and don’t feel guilty. Leave it alone for a year or so, so that you don’t do anything rash. After the sense of loss has lessened and you have had time to think, if you still think you shouldn’t have the money you can do something then. But for now, accept it and leave it be.

3

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m with Gus on this one. Just sit on the money for awhile. Then, at a later date, if you still are feeling guilty about keeping it, it would be nice if you could make a donation to a charity with the money.

4

Your sister is doing the right thing. It’s her money to do with as she wishes, please accept and graciously. Mums move in mysterious ways. She probably knew your sister would do this anyway, but just wanted to give her the big sis rank.

5

Do you have any reason to believe that your mother would have wanted to disinherit everyone but the one sister? That’s a pretty big step, and I would guess it is rarely taken without a reason or fight. I would bet that you would have known she was angry if she had meant to do that. From what you have said, it sounds like mom didn’t know what she was doing.

6

Having your sisters entertain your view, is to no purpose. It changes nothing. Mother’s wishes have been followed, everyone seems agreed now to follow sister’s wishes. It is, however, clearly very upsetting to them. Which is more disrespectful? Seriously, let this drop, accept the money graciously, and keep your yap shut and just let your sister’s grieve already.