This is my major hang-up as well. The boyfriend and I spend 5-6 nights a week together, but I’m pootling around my own flat right now drinking a G&T, goofing off on the Internet and sorting through some paperwork, and it is really nice.
I have never in my life seen it phrased better than this.
There’s no “right” answer so I’m not even going to vote in the poll. Rash, impetuous kids who shack up within hours of meeting can go on to stay married for decades, and methodical folks who think through every decision might still see their relationship implode.
(Also … is she hot?)
Well, this is something even we married folk need. So, at some stage, you need to have an honest discussion about how much separate time you need. And it’s likely that you will each have different expectations, so you need to make sure that one partner does not get hurt when he/she wants to spend the evening chatting, while the other wants to play computer games by him/herself.
I voted for 1.5 - 2 years, as that was my only experience with moving in. It’s now a year later, and it’s just as smooth a relationship as ever. As far as something to say though, Agent Foxtrot, talk about having your alone time. I’m a pretty big introvert, as is the girlfriend, so it wasn’t a huge issue amongst us to say “Hey, 2 to 4 nights a week, I want time to myself to read / play guitar / video game / whatever, is that cool?” As long as it’s hashed out before hand, and all parties agree, alone time can be had!
I didn’t vote, because it depends on so much more than just number of months.
Have you/can you, sit down together and discussed an exit strategy? Because that’s a good measure in my book. Can you/have you, come to a reasonable agreement about; who will pay what, how much notice to move, who’ll get the cat? Because if you can’t have this discussion, you’re probably not ready.
I, too, need a LOT of alone time. The key? TALK about it. It took a while for us, but I’ve learned to just say “Hey, hon, I need some quiet time now, ok?” and he’ll go do his own thing. Works much better than me getting crabby and him not knowing what he did wrong (which was nothing other than being there when I wanted to be alone). And figure out what’s “your” space and what’s “her” space so that when either of you want alone time you can retreat to your space.
Also, make sure that she understands that your need for alone time is because you’re an introvert and it’s just how you are. It doesn’t mean you’re mad at her. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It’s just what you need in order to recharge. If she’s an introvert too, she’ll probably understand. If she’s not, you may have to remind her of that once in a while. And make sure you balance the “you” time with together time. It’s easy for me to take my husband for granted. Giving him a hug when he comes home and then spending time talking after dinner on nights when I don’t need alone time go a long way to giving him the together time he needs.
We moved in together at 6 months as a “trial run” when his lease ended and I had 3 months left on my lease. We did it that way because had we wanted to kill one another for 3 months we could go our separate ways and we wouldn’t be on a lease together for a year or more. Turns out we live together splendidly and we are getting married in a few months so that worked out well for us.
I would say you need to give this a trial run and one of you should put your stuff in storage or leave it at their current place and then live together for a month or more. I mean really live together, as in fighting for the bathroom before work in the morning and arguing over what to watch on TV kind of living together. Give yourselves a trial run and you won’t regret it. Move in together out of desperation to keep the bills paid and get rid of horrible roommates and you might.
My wife and I met in a class shortly before I moved cross-country, and traded emails and a few phone calls for about 6 months after that. Then, without having “dated” me yet, she flew out for a 5-day visit and never left. That was 13 years ago. So, based on personal experience I’m the first Doper (so far) to vote for “Immediately.” Not sure how generalizable my experience is, though.
I can’t vote because I’m with the “other” crowd. I do like the answer about when it doesn’t make sense to live apart any longer. I think that can come in a lot of different time period depending on the couple and their circumstances.
Whats the big deal? If you seem to be spending every other night at each other’s appartment and want to move in together, move in together. If it doesn’t work out, move out.
I moved in with my SO after about a year of dating (but we’d known each other as friends for several years before that). It was the right time emotionally, and coincidentally at that same right time, my lease was up and his roommate was moving out.
I need significantly more alone time than he does, and we discussed this prior to the move. We’ve got four bedrooms (no kids), so one bedroom is my office/sanctuary, one is his, the downstairs one is our yoga/meditation room, and then the master bedroom is ours together. So, if you have different “alone time” needs, they can be worked out if you talk about them prior to the move AND make allowances.
Talk about issues like who cooks, who cleans when who cooks, who keeps track of things like “we’re out of milk,” and whether or not you’ll have a TV in the bedroom. Seriously on that last one - the SO would have technology everywhere, but I can’t sleep with a room with a TV on.
Honestly, if marriage or “forever” hasn’t come up yet, I’d be hesitant. Just what I’ve seen among my friends and acquaintances slightly younger than yourself. Inevitably one party is leaning towards marriage and the other isn’t, and it’s a leading factor in why they’ve split. Does she ever talk about marriage - either to you, or as a future thing? What are her expectations about kids? Is one of you ready to “settle”, the other not?
I hate to say it, but she’s not getting any younger, and at 30 if you want kids, you can hear your bioclock start to tick as a woman. Sure, I’m gonna get raked over the coals for this, I got pregnant at 40, and on and on. But we all know the stats. If she wants kids, it’s on her mind.
Damn skippy it is. I’m 32 and I can barely hear myself think over the ticking of my clock. I’m having to practice more self restraint than I ever thought I was capable of not to harass my BF daily about marriage and kids. If she’s 30 and she wants kids, it is DEFINATELY on her mind.
I answered 3 to 7 months, because the “it depends” option wasn’t available. Strangely enough, I started a similar thread awhile back when I started dating my SO. Answers were pretty much the same. We ended up moving in together at 5 months. It’s been a few months and we couldn’t be happier. It was like someone posted upthread, it just didn’t make sense for us NOT to live together. We alternated between each other’s apartments nightly, if we weren’t at work we were together, and most importantly, we really wanted to live together.
That’s the thing, really. If you’re hemming and hawing at 7 1/2 months and haven’t had any talks about the future, I’d take a good hard look at your relationship. My SO and I couldn’t wait to move in together. We were trying to hold off for 6 months because that seemed like an “appropriate” time, but in the end, we caved in did it before. Neither of us hemmed and hawed over doing it, only when to do it. There was no doubt it was something both of us wanted. If you still, at 7 1/2 months, don’t know if you want to live with her, I’d sit down and have a talk about your future together, in general, before making the decision. Just to make sure you’re on the same page.
We refer to “The Guns of Navarone”, thanks to a spectacularly timed one during the climax of that movie (not in a theater, thank God!).
I thought you were joking, but the lack of :rolleyes: made me think otherwise. If you’re being serious, I’m thoroughly surprised the first response wasn’t kicking me in the shins 
To the OP, how are you guys with finances? Would you be willing to support her if she lost her job, and vice versa?
Serious as a heart attack, unfortunately. Biological urges are strong motherfuckers, I’ll tell you what…
I moved in with a guy I knew for a few weeks, and it turned out great. You never know.
But honestly in my next relationship I am going to wait a long time to move in or consider not moving in altogether. I think it keeps a relationship more honest if you have some distance, and keeps you from getting into ruts.
Exactly how much distance are we talking, here (asks the guy who lives 2,000 miles away from the one he loves)?
I’m just surprised we have 9 Dopers that picked the last option. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that opinion demonstrated on the Dope before.
Perhaps many thing engagement or knowing marriage is happening in the future is what they meant (or some of them mean), but that was the closest option?
lezlers, I don’t think it’s unfortunate at all, it’s truthful. My parents were engaged for 5 years, with my dad constantly prodding my mom to plan a wedding (he was willing to help, but he knew she’d want first crack at it). She turns 30 and BAM, all she could think about was having a baby.
They were married two months later, and 11 months after that, I came along!