And just to clarify – for most Queer people (and hopefully for straight people as well, but I dunno) – getting regular STD checks is normal, even if we haven’t been engaging in high risk behaviour. My doctor gives me STD checks including HIV-antibody tests at every check up. It’s really not a big production.
I agree with you, but I have friends who freak out over the prospect of getting tested or having a friend get tested, too.
I never tell anyone when I get tested.
Oh, he knows - I absolutely want him to be tested on a regular basis - he knows it’s one of those things that I am extremely passionate about (I’m like a PSA - you get tested regularly if you have had unprotected sex, gay or straight…period.). I told him I want to know about all of his tests - good or bad. He’s a good friend for trying to keep me from worrying when I’m already stressed - I’d do the same for him - but our friendship has always operated on honesty, and we’ve got to keep it that way.
(Sorry to hijack, Heloise…I’ve read your thread knowing that I could very well be the one posting it, and I’m just sick for you.)
E.
Heloise: I’ve nothing to add to the conversation. I’m not gay, I don’t have any STDs, and I don’t know anyone who wants to have sex with me anyway. I’m completely unqualified to say anything except…
You’re my friend, and I care about you and that clog-boy husband of yours. You have my emotional support, and a hug any time you want one.
Heloise, I feel for you. I have a few friends who have been in the same situation in the past year, two of them who are 19 years old. It astounds and angers me that these kids, especially, think being poz is “no big deal”. There’s just no excuse for it. Not anymore.
That being said, be there for your best friend. He’s going to need you now more than ever.
Why do smart people do stupid things? Maybe they’re self-destructive. Maybe they just don’t believe it will happen to them.
My dad was one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known, but he did a really stupid thing–he died of a heart attack 10 years ago because he wouldn’t stop smoking. He did everything else–took medication, gave up a lot of his favorite foods. His doctor warned him that it would happen, but he kept on smoking anyway, and now he’s gone. It hurts a lot more when you know it didn’t have to happen. 
Heloise, I hope for the best for you and your friend.
Heloise, that sucks.
One of the things you can do is to let him know that no matter how he feels about himself, you still love and care for him. This might become especially relevant as he deals with side efffects from his HIV medication. If you want him around for as long as possible he needs to take those meds. It might not be easy for him, but knowing that he has people who REALLY want him to stay well will help.
Early Syphilis is easily treated with simple anti-biotics, so that, at least, is something positive.
He tested positive for AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome), or tested positive for the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)? I’m not trying to split hairs or be a poop - these are two different things, and will make a difference in his prognosis.
From this site:
Sorry for not responding sooner, things have been a bit busy. Featherlou, when I first got the information, it was that he had AIDS, but when I spoke to him, he said he was HIV positive, not AIDS positive. So yes, it makes a very big difference.
I’ve been hearing some information about a new strain of (AIDS or HIV?) that doesn’t respond to current medication, but I’m not sure how rampant that is right now or how worried I should be about it.
Either way, this is just not the time to play around indiscriminately. That time died quite a while ago. I haven’t yelled at him or anything, I’ve let him know that I am supportive, but that doesn’t mean the desire to shake him and yell at him isn’t there. I fully want to scream and throw a tantrum at him.
Exactly.
Sexual behavior - even more than eating and exercise habits (that are also very hard to change) - has very little to do with information and intelligence for most people.
And Matt, the fact is that using condoms every time one has insertive sex absolutely cuts down dramatically on the risks of catching HIV. Sure it’s not 100%… no risk reduction action is. But who harps on seatbelts not being 100% effective? A fatalistic message just discourages people from making the effort. Not having sex with multiple strangers cuts down the risks a lot, too.
At this point, blame is not the point. Getting the best treatment he can, taking care of himself and not spreading the virus to others is.
And just to clarify: testing positive for HIV means one is infected with the virus - not just “exposed” to it. AIDS in the name for the symptomatic illness an infected person can eventually develop, without treatment or if treatment fails.
Color me ignorant, but this confused me a little. Does this mean that AIDS is just a matter of time, then? Or that the meds he will be taking can stave it off indefinitely?
You’re no more ignorant than anybody else, because nobody knows. When the highly active antiretroviral therapies first became available, many people living with HIV literally got up out of their deathbeds and regained their health, jobs, lives. Although there are side effects to the drugs, many people have done well for years on these therapies and nobody knows how long this will last. Maybe they’ll live “normal” lifespans. Others have developed drug-resistance virus or other problems with the therapies and end up switching around their meds and not doing well. There is no cure for HIV/AIDS. But the good news is that there are new classes of drugs being developed all the time that attack HIV in different parts of its cycle (attaching to the CD4 cell, gaining entry into the cell, converting its RNA to DNA, replicating, etc.).
Depending on where your friend is in progression of his infection, he may not even need medical therapy for a long time.
You should check your local AIDS services organization and ask about support groups. Usually there is a support group for friends/family/loved ones that might be helpful for you.
Heloise, I just noticed that you said he was diagnosed with syphilis, too. This is somewhat relevant information for a couple of reasons. Even if a person is “prioritizing” their sexual risk-taking behaviors (eg. insertive oral sex is safest, receptive oral sex is slightly less safe, insertive anal sex is safer than receptive anal sex which is the riskiest, etc.), ALL of those activities are immensely more dangerous if the partner is co-infected with syphilis and HIV. You’re much more likely to acquire HIV along with syphilis, even via oral sex. Same with active herpes, because these diseases provide a more convenient portal for hiv to get into the bloodstream.
I had a gay friend who only performed insertive anal sex and figured that was fairly safe. He had sex with a guy who had syphilis and HIV and got them both. The guy is a professional in the HIV/AIDS field, btw.
The other relevant piece of info. is that if a person with HIV acquires syphilis, the treatment for the syphilis is more intensive. So it’s important for the health care provider to know someone’s HIV status when they are treated for syphilis, to be sure they get an effective dose.
I mentioned “prioritizing” sexual risks. That’s really what we all do re. all health behaviors. As Matt said, there is no way to completely remove all risks. Most things in life that provide pleasure also provide some kind of risk, and we weigh that against the benefits. They’re different for everyone, which is why it’s much more complicated than just saying, “You must be a fool for taking these risks.”
Your friend said he’s not going to have sex anymore. I have interviewed a couple of hundred people with HIV and many of them make this proclamation - especially soon after their diagnosis or when they are depressed. It often (and I guess, hopefully!) doesn’t last. Support groups, knowing others living with HIV, counseling, etc. help people deal with these issues and it’s very important to address, I think.
Someone who expects to have sex again is more likely to protect themselves and their partners than someone who resolves NEVER to have sex again, but then gets in a tempting situation and lets it “happen TO” them. Same deal with teen pregnancy. It’s an instinct that doesn’t go away because you will it to.
Was he barebacking?
Yes. And he was right to think that, as the insertive partner, theoretically he should have been safer than if he were the receptive partner. And this was his live-in boyfriend. He knew it was a gamble, but he didn’t gamble on his partner screwing around or his partner having syphilis, too. And he’s payin’ for it.
I’ve never done that (obviously), but I’ve done plenty of other stupid things in my life.