When people you love are stupid, bad things happen.

The BBQ Pit
1

Before I got married, I had a roommate. I’ll leave his name out, but he’s a very handsome Black man and we got along quite well. In fact, we used to call ourselved Will & Grace, but with better tans. Yes, he’s gay and I’m straight. We still call each other across the ocean and have made plans to see each other when my husband and I go to the States for a visit.

He leads a pretty wild lifestyle and I told him, over and over again to be careful. “Please, whatever you do, be safe.”

Well, he wasn’t. Symptoms started appearing. He got tested. He’s positive for AIDS. This man works in a blood lab in a hospital, for crying out loud! He knew the risks!

I was almost expecting it, though. I mean, he hasn’t had a steady boyfriend in quite a while and would go pick up men in adult shops and bars. Lots of one night stands, no protection. I’m so sad and damn sorry about this, but I’m also very angry with him. I’m also feeling very selfish, with a “How could you do this to me?” attitude. I don’t want to lose another friend to AIDS, and with all the information there is about it, how can you not be careful? I lost two friends in the early 90s, but the data wasn’t as good then as it is now. WHY?WHY?WHY?

I’m still somewhat in shock over this. I just found out a moment ago. Now I need to call him and I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m going to say.

2

“I love you, you dumb shit.” isn’t acceptable? (Thanks by the way, I now have another fabulous worry to go on. None of my boys could ever be that dumb, could they?)

Sucketh. I’m trying to find some good wishes but there really aren’t any, its a crap situation.

3

And there you have it—USE CONDOMS!!! I have zero patience for gay men who fuck around these days who don’t care enough about themselves or their partners to insist on protection.

4

Well, yeah. That was the thing that always baffled me. He’s an intelligent (normally) person, but when I implored him to be careful, he always sort of… waffled with the answer. It drives me crazy, but also makes me wonder if he was being self-destructive, either passively or actively. If you know what I mean.

5

I know it doesn’t excuse the behavior; but so many people have internalized the homophobic attitudes they’ve grown up with that, while outwardly okay with being gay, they harbor some guilt. That guilt causes them not to care if they live or die and sometimes even think they deserve to die. If you don’t care, then protection doesn’t matter.

6

I lost several friends from high school and college to AIDS back in the early '80s. I’d like to think that their deaths were the result of the ignorance all of us were subjected to at the time about what the causes were and what could be done in the quest of prevention. And then I hear that even armed with todays present knowledge, that which should allow damn near anyone to remain in good health through some pretty easy lifestyle changes, that some will continue to die and I just fucking don’t get the mindset. It infuriates me because it seems to detract from the fond memory of those I lost, almost as if to imply that even had they been armed with the knowledge that some of them would have died anyway. I hate to think they’d have been that fucking stupid. I have better memories of their intellect that that but, valid or not, it does raise that uncertainess.

I’m really sorry about your friend, Heloise. I feel both sorry for him and absolutely furious at the waste of a life and am very conflicted as to which emotion is just.

7

It’s hard for me to judge. How many straight men always use a condom. I know I took a chance or two with my wife before we got married and just got lucky. Seems our penis can short circuit our brain.

8

Okay, I had typed out a few paragraphs on how we didn’t know about whether your friend was using safer sex or not because nothing is 100% effective and there’s acceptable risk, etc. It was pretty good so I’m saving it for posterity, below.

But I reread the OP and note where you refer to unprotected sex. And no, I don’t understand that. For one thing, I’ve tried both kinds (the latter with a long-term boyfriend, we only did it once and got tested before and after, everything’s cool, etc., etc.) and the fact is, it really doesn’t feel all that different.

I really wish people could get around to just accepting that no, you can’t skip the gift wrap. It’s not a curse, it’s not a drag, it’s not The Man, any more than wearing a fucking seatbelt or cooking your meat properly or keeping your PIN secret is a tool of oppression. I just don’t understand it. I’ve lived with condoms since I came out, c’est comme rien. What’s so difficult about it? Is it just drugs, or is it something else? Why do people have so many issues with them?

And yet, the paradox is, after the fact, what can you do? It’s cruel and pointless to say I told you so, or recriminate the person, who is after all about to deal with a truly unpleasant disease until he dies.

(Unless of course he were to keep fucking without protection. That would be evil, and I hope he doesn’t.)

Anyway, I’m sorry for your friend; awareness of the problem shouldn’t affect our compassion for its consequences. I hope he stays healthy for a long time and that he can rethink and be fulfilled and productive. I’m glad you’re there for him.

[spoiler]
don’t bother reading unless you are interested in cogent arguments that don’t actually have to do with this case
If I could point out that although condoms are very effective, nothing in life is 100% safe? You could get HIV from having sex one time with a condom, if the right combination of chances intervene.

It doesn’t mean you were foolish any more than it was foolish to cross the street and get hit by a car. “Acceptable risk” isn’t “no risk.”

If he was fucking around without using protection, then certainly, I think that’s foolish and a level of risk to which I certainly wouldn’t subject myself and would inveigh against others’ subjecting themselves to, as well.

But I could follow all the advice my physician gives me about safer sex and still end up with HIV. The point is, we can’t say whether he was being foolish or not.[/spoiler]

9

How about saying, I’m so sorry to hear the news. Is there anything I can do to help you through this difficult time. You know you can always count on me to stand by you.

10

Well, we had the “talk” and it was pretty rough. He’s in his early 40s, so he may have been infected at any time. But yes, he has been having unprotected sex and I don’t understand that at all. As a heterosexual female, I was always safe, so I can’t get it. Why wasn’t he safe? However, there is absolutely no way I would be cruel enough to say, “I told you so.” There’s no point, anyway.

It turns out that in addition, he has syphillis. He says it is treatable, though. He insists that he is completely finished with sex, but I told him he really, really needed to play it safe now. Not to be would be criminal. He does have self-destructive tendencies and told me today that he has always hated himself, and that perhaps in a passive way, he was trying to kill himself.

What a waste. :frowning:

11

This post made my heart drop. I have been having anxiety about my bisexual best friend/roomate in the past couple of months too. He has had some major struggles with his sexuality in the past couple of years and has had many coversations with me about the hate that he has for himself and the way he is. I know he has unprotected sex and I know that part of the reason he doesn’t care is because of that hate. He also used to drink way too much, and when you’re in that state, you’re even more inclined to not care. I’m bettin’ he still does this from time to time, I just don’t hear about it.
I feel weird saying anything about it but I always make comments when I know he’s been out doing whatever. The last time I got a little mad and I brought up the other people he may be hurting by doing this, not just himself. I even brought up myself because we have had sex in the past (protected, but still scary). I could tell this was effective, but I’m not sure how much.

I guess what I’m getting to is what more can you do?
Heloise, do you wish you had done or said something more before this happened? Or do you think he’s going to do what he’s going to do no matter what you say?

12

Well, I’m guessing he’s already in a pretty unhappy state at this point, so words of admonishion are probably not going to be of much use to either one of you. It’s too late for edifying speeches.

If I found out he was still sleeping around, I’d go batshit on him.

13

Change, “gay men,” to, “anyone,” and you have my sentiments exactly. I am thankfully married, and don’t really have to worry about this sort of thing anymore, but let’s face it - it’s a scary place out there. Be safe everyone, please.

Heloise, the situation sucks all around. My completely unsolicited advice is to be as good to your friend as is humanly possible; he’s going to need the support. Hopefully this will be the final straw that gets him to confront whatever insecurities/demons/issues have been fueling the self-destructive streak.

Let the Pit be the place you unleash all the anger and frustration. We can take it.

14

Perfectly intelligent women get themselves knocked up all the time, too. Not a death sentence, but certainly life altering. Go figure.

The good thing is that while AIDS is still a death sentence, at least the life expectancy has increased significantly since it first came on the scene. And perhaps had it not been for the HIV symptoms, he might not have realized he had syphyllis. Undiagnosed, that can be a very nasty death.

So sorry for the pain both of you are going through.

15

To answer your question, Mottpot, I don’t know how I could have been more strenuous with my words. He knew the risks even more than I did. I think he would have done what he wanted, whatever the case. What is extremely frustrating is, with his depression and self destructive attitude, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to be more careful in the future, or take care of himself. And there’s no way to give him a mental “shakedown” as it were, because the last time I tried that, he almost had a mental breakdown.

16

Then in addition to medical care, he needs to hie himself to a therapist.

17

Heloise, I feel for you. I really do. My best friend is a bisexual guy who’s done some stupid things. When he called me last year to tell me that his HIV test was negative, I burst into tears and freaked out on him that he didn’t tell me he was being tested. He said he hadn’t wanted to worry me - I lost my godfather and a friend to AIDS and he knows how hard it is for me, plus I was newly-engaged - he didn’t want me to worry about losing him, too.

I’m glad you’re there for him. And like PunditLisa says, life expectancy is getting longer and longer. I’m hoping that someday soon, life expectancy will be just like that for a person without HIV.

E.

18

Why freak out over the mere fact of being tested? Getting tested regularly is a GOOD thing, even if you’re practicing safer sex. It’s necessary to keep yourself and your sex partners apprised of your serostatus.

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19

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I know - but he also knows that I tend to look to worst-case scenarios. So he figured it would be easier to tell me that he was negative later than go through a week or so of me worrying more than he was. This way, he could tell me in five minutes, I could cry for two minutes because he didn’t tell me, and then I could be relieved for good that his test was negative.

I’m glad he got tested. I think he knew that telling me before or after wasn’t going to be easy, so he took the way he knew best. But I’m not faulting him for getting tested.

E.

20

You may want to tell him this, in case he might be reluctant to tell you about his being tested in the future, for fear of putting you through that again. It might help relieve a dilemma of his, and it would confirm that you support him in getting tested.