This is absolutly histerical!!! I have been laughing my you know what off!!!
I wish I had kids so I could share in the madness! 
My daughter spent her year of pre-K at a parochial school. Religion, obviously, got a lot of emphasis. Once her school day was over, though, she spent the afternoons at a daycare center that had no religious affiliation. One day the manager of the daycare center relayed to me this overheard conversation, which had taken place between Katy and a little boy whose father is (I believe) a Baptist minister. Mind, these kids are both five.
Little Boy: Why do you have flowers in your hair?
Kizarvexilla: We went to mass today and gave Mary her crown.
LB: Who’s Mary?
K: She’s Jesus’ mother.
LB: Oh. So why did you give her a crown?
K: ‘Cause she’s the Queen of Heaven.
LB: No she’s not.
K: Yes she is.
LB: Is NOT.
K: Is TOO.
The manager stepped in to prevent the sectarian turmoil from becoming an all-out holy war.
Love these stories! Naturally, they reminded me of many things my son has surprised me with over the years. I remember three stories in particular –
When he was 3 years old, whenever we went grocery shopping and passed a man in the aisles, he would ask, “Are you my daddy?” Very embarrassing.
When he was 4, his Sunday School teacher asked the children to raise their hands if they’d ever been to a wedding. A simple raised hand was not enough for my son, of course. He said, “I went to my mommy and daddy’s wedding, but I couldn’t see much, because I was in my mommy’s tummy.” This is NOT true.
Finally, when he was 4, he was being disobedient, so I picked him up and set him quite firmly down onto a chair. He looked up at me with huge tears in his eyes and said, “Mommy, don’t be such a bully. I’m just a little boy.”
No kids but I’ve got a pip of a nephew. Once, when he was about three, he asked his dad what the word “beautiful” meant. His dad told him and nephew digested this new information. He then looked around, saw his mom in the room and announced “Mom is …<big pause>… pretty good.” Then he grinned.
The little guy makes my mother very happy too. She always wished my brother would have a kid just like him when he was little and boy, does he.
No kids of my own, but I have some cute little cousins. The most quotable is the youngest, named Alonso.
Last time I visited them, the following conversation took place between me, Miriam (age 9) and Alonso (age 5):
(Miriam was talking about her make-believe Miriamland, Alonso appeared not to be paying attention to the conversation)
Me: So, what are there in Miriamland?
Miriam: Animals
Alonso: Animals??? WHAT IS THIS RUBBISH???
When our daughter was a bit over a year old, she was still sleeping in a crib. She could stand on her own, and pretty much spoke in complete sentences, but could not yet (had not even tried to) get out on her own. We kept a few small toys and books in the crib, so she could amuse herself if she woke up before we did. Our bedrooms were right next to each other, though, so we could normally hear her if she woke up or made any noise.
One Saturday morning, we were sleeping in, and DD woke up at her normal, first-ray-of-sunlight time. She called “Mommy!” Mommy yells back, “I’m still asleep. I’ll wake up in a few minutes.”
A few minutes pass. DD calls, “Mommy! I take off my shirt!” Well, it’s the middle of summer, and going shirtless at her age isn’t a crime, so we pretty much ignore it.
A few more minutes pass. DD calls “Mommy! I take off my pants!” Again, it’s the middle of summer, and we don’t have a problem with the fact that she’s taking off her pants (stroke of independence, right?).
A few more minutes pass. DD calls, “Mommy! I pooped!” Okay, that’s a little annoying, but it can wait another five or ten minutes, right?
A few minutes later: “Mommy, I take off my diaper!” This is immediately followed by the all-too-familiar sound of tape being ripped from a disposable diaper, and I don’t think my wife has ever woken up so quickly!
No kids yet, but I do have two younger (half) brothers. One day I was talking to the youngest who was 7 at the time, and I asked him why our middle brother was in trouble. The youngest one started into an explanation and then said how the middle brother was playing video games when he was supposed to be doing his homework, but the middle brother “forgot about it.” My little brother did the whole “quotation fingers” when he said middle bro used the excuse that he “forgot about” his homework. This completely broke me up. I don’t hang out with a lot of seven year olds, but I don’t imagine this is common. I stopped him in mid-sentence to ask him if he just did “quotation fingers” and where he learned it. He just shrugged and kept telling the story.
It’s probably funnier if you saw it, but man, was it funny. Kids are cool, they’re just like little people!
My baby doesn’t talk yet, but she has started communicating.
I walked past her crib, where I thought she was sleeping. She saw me and stretched out her hands for…me!
It floored me as itt was the first time she did that.
My 2-year old daughter would not fall asleep last night. So after about thrity minutes of listening to her talk to herself and laugh, I went to settle her back down. As I walked in her room, I saw she had her face covered with her hands.
As I flipped on the light, she jumped up and shouted, “Surprise!”
I have no idea where she got this or why she thought of it.
My 18 month daughter had discovered the moon, she was always asking to be taken outside at night to see it. So one time she was in the car and she noticed the moon. Except it was crescent, not full. She said, “Moon. Broken!” and burst into tears.
Of course, I tried to explain to her that the moon wasn’t broken, it was just that we were seeing sunlight reflected off the moon’s surface, and that due to the angle of the sun the part of the moon visible from earth was mostly in shadow. It seemed to calm her down…
My three-year old gives me stuff like this all of the time.
Just this morning, I was leaving for work. My father-in-law was there for an hour or two until my wife got home from work. My son didn’t want me to leave, but couldn’t come up with anything else to stall me. I’m out front, getting into the car, when the front door opens and my son yells out “Daddy, you forgot something!”
Hmmmm…
I go to the door.
“What did I forget?”
“You forgot to give me a kiss and hug.”
(I hadn’t; we did this already).
“No, I didn’t; we already did kiss and hug.”
“OK, here’s the deal: blah blah blah.”
(that last line is a direct quote: given no other option, he was just saying “blah blah blah” to keep me there longer).
As many others have said above already, where do they come up with this stuff?
We were playing trucks in the basement, and it was time for bed.
My wife’s turn to put him to bed. He hugs me good night, and begins marching up the stairs. My wife asks, “Did you have a good time playing with your dad?”
Entirely matter-of-factly, he responds, “Oh yes. I like daddy.”
I almost cried.
Or else, most devastatingly - this.
Regards,
Shodan
Me, aged 5.5, already a die-hard skeptic:
“If God loves everyone, and God made me to be like him, then why do I hate Samantha so much?”
My cousin, at around 3:
Her mom [leaving her with my grandma]: Don’t eat too many cookies while I’m gone.
Cousin [crying]: But I want too many!
The other day my son said to me.
" Mama, if you died I would run out into the street to get hit by a car so I could be with you in heaven."
If that doesn’t rip your heart right out of your chest, nothing will.
When hubby and I were new parents we decided our child would not hear any bad words from us, and we were very diligent about that.
We also had a very amiable and gregarious neighbor who spent quite a bit of time visiting, and we loved it because he was so funny, even with his “vocabulary of a sailor.”
When our first little guy was about three and I heard him utter a “damn” one day, I painstakingly explained to him that some grown-ups use that word, but we should say “doggone” instead.
The very next morning, he was trying to let the dog out but the front door was too heavy for him to open, so as he’s headed to the back door, imagine my delight when I heard, “Come on, Sugar. Doggone these son-of-a-bitchin’ doors!”
My 6yr old daugher has to ‘one up’ absolutely everything! She drives me crazy. Her story is always better, higher, faster, louder, whatever (you get the message). My friend, who has a 6 yr old son, was looking after my daughter and they were looking at pictures of her son’s father (who is black), my ‘one upper’ exclaims, ‘my dad is darker than your dad!’ and would not budge on it.
My friend phones me laughing her head off and says ‘okay, now I know what you mean about her!’. Her father is ukranian/polish, his skin is the color of snow.
That reminds me of another gem from my extreme youth [around 4 or 5 years old]:
Me: Mom, what does ‘asshole’ mean?
Mom: What’s that baby? ‘Also’? Well, let’s see, ‘also’ is like… thinks
Me: No mom. Asshole.
Mom: Also is the same as “and.” You use it when…
Me: No! Asshole!
Mom: … when there’s something else you…
Me: NO. ASSHOLE!!! ASS… HOLE!!
Mom: :eek: :eek: :eek: WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT
Me: Daddy said it to another person while he was driving.
Daddy had a lot of 'splainin to do.
And she never DID tell me what that word meant
[that was in re to mizquirk of course]
My four-year-old son was particularly disobedient one day. As I was tucking him into bed that night, we had this conversation:
SON: Mommy, I’m sorry for being so naughty today. Will you forgive me?
ME: Of course, I will. Are you going to act this way again tomorrow?
SON: No, but thank you for asking.
Another time when he was five, I found him in the bathroom at bedtime, combing his hair, which prompted this conversation:
ME: Why are you combing your hair right before you have to go to bed?
SON: I have to ‘fix up.’
ME: What do you mean, ‘fix up?’
SON: I have to fix my hair and stuff. It helps so I don’t have nightmares.
ME: How does that help?
SON: Well, if you look really good, the monsters don’t want to scare you. Of course, it also helps if you smell bad.
I forgot another rather cute moment with my 6yr old daughter. She was looking at the Kotex box and says she knows why I use them, I of course, ask her why, she says, “so you can pee your pants”. It was very, very hard not to fall down laughing.
I always tell people she is my entertainment, and she is …