So…say you’ve met and started dating a really cool guy/girl. After a few dates, you decide that this person is someone that you would like to continue seeing a little more seriously. New SO has a problem (car trouble, airfare to visit a sick relative, etc.) and due to financial constraints, can’t afford the financial hit. You’re in a position to help out.
How do you approach this so that you’re not coming across as trying to buy their affection? Some people would be more sensitive to an offer of help than others. If a girl tries to help a guy out, there’s the added problem of pride (not for me though-if someone wants to throw a few extra dollars my way, feel free ). Is there a dollar figure involved? Or is it easier to buy something rather than give cash (for example, buying a airline ticket versus giving cash to get a car fixed)?
Easy. Christmas is coming. Need an airplane ticket? Instant present. Not too romantic, but it’s sure to be appreciated, and you can follow it up with a smaller, more romantic kind of present come Christmas. Or New Year’s. Thanksgiving? Birthday? Hanukkah? Whatever. Pre-gifting. It’s the wave of the future.
Less than $80, any time. And then forget about it. “To give is better than to lend, and it costs about the same,” my dad used to say.
More than $80, after the engagement. I’m sure even a quick & dirty search of these boards would turn up a dozen “I loaned them money when we were an item, and now we’re not an item any more, and I’d really like it if they paid me back…” threads.
Regardless of the relationship, I never lend more than I can afford to lose. I then consider it a gift. If I get it back, good for me, its a bonus. If not, there are no regrets, I thought of it as a gift from the start. Now, that is from my point of view. But your question really involves her point of view, if I’m not mistaken.
I would simply say that I find myself having both the ability to help and interest in do so. I would tell her that I considered it to be a lone, but one that there was no hurry to pay back.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think it’s inappropriate to give a gift or a loan costing more than the price of a box of candy or a bouquet of flowers this early in the relationship. And I definitely think it’s inappropriate to become involved in their financial travails until you know each other much better.
Why? Because you don’t really know this person. To offer more assumes a more intimate relationship than you have. Not only does it create confusion about the level of intimacy and caring you have for one another, it creates a sense of obligation that can become complicated.
And maybe more importantly, it’s foolish. Again, you don’t really know this person or how they handle their finances. You’re very likely to end up resenting the fact that she didn’t pay you back or regretting having made the loan at all.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a situation where a person did a financial favor for an S.O. and then didn’t have some problem caused by it later. Yes, even for people who were in long-term relationships, and even people who didn’t break up over the disagreement. It’s a situation fraught with peril, and a new relationship doesn’t need that kind of pressure. IMHO, of course.
If you’ve only had a few dates, I would just stay out of it and not offer anything. Several reasons:
It may give the impression that you are trying to fix his/her life. He/she was doing fine before you came along, and you want to give the unmistakable impression that you accept him/her as they are, not as a fixer-upper.
Money has a way of making things weird. Weirdness has a way of making otherwise promising relationships in the early stages go sour.
Giving a large gift or loan may make it seem like you’re coming on really strong. Many women are wary of men who give them expensive gifts early in the relationship.
If you’ve been dating seriously for a while (more than six months), giving an expensive gift can be OK, but it has to be carefully done. I’d recommend erring on the side of caution. I would also definitely give a gift, not a loan.
Good points all. I had thought of most of the things you listed, Giraffe, which is why, as much as I’d like to help right now, I think I’ll wait to see how it plays out. I’m the type of person who doesn’t give a second thought to helping out a true friend but I also know how weird it can be (from both sides) when someone you’re just getting to know offers help. More importantly, I don’t even want to give the appearance that I’m flaunting anything or trying to buy affection. And if (or when) I do decide to help, it will definitely be as a gift, no strings attached. I just have to figure out when and how that time comes.
Well, I think (like others, apparently) that it depends on how long you and the SO have been seeing each other. When my last girlfriend (who became my wife, and later my ex-wife) had been dating for about a year, she was having pretty severe financial trouble, and I offered to combine our money into a joint bank account. She was initially troubled by this (she has a problem spending money even when she has plenty of it), but accepted. Everything worked out OK (well, yeah, we eventually got divorced, but this was 12 years later, so I don’t think the joint account thing was a factor). Plus, the post-divorce settlement worked out so that we’re probably even.
So, in summary: I have no idea. But it worked for me. I’m not sure I would have done this if we’d only been dating for a couple of months, though. “A few dates” seems to fall into this category, although, again, it really depends on your particular situation. To be more specific, it depends on the depth of your feelings for each other. I was 21 at the time, if that says anything.
I agree with Khadaji. I too never lend more than I can afford to lose, and even if the person says they will pay me back, I don’t expect it.
I have a friend that was very uncomfortable accepting a loan from me. I knew he really needed it, it wasn’t very much money, so I simply sent a check in a card through the mail with the note, “I know if the tables were turned you’d do the same for me.” He would, he has. We’re square.
It’s kind of a fine line deciding how often you bail someone out though. Keep that in mind down the road.
). Is there a dollar figure involved? Or is it easier to buy something rather than give cash (for example, buying a airline ticket versus giving cash to get a car fixed)?