Inspired by a conversation with my husband yesterday at a busy outdoor bar. We were lucky enough to nab two seats, but the bartender asked us to form a line at the service station near the other bartender, to give her a chance to work on some drink orders for the servers. We got there right in time; there were only a couple people ahead of us, and a long line quickly formed behind my husband while I saved our seats. When he brought our beers, he mentioned someone had asked him if they could cut in line because they just wanted water, and he’d said no. He wondered if that was the right thing to do. I agreed that letting people cut in line was problematic, because you’re making everyone behind you wait longer and that’s not fair.
But it led to a discussion about him resolving to be less of a doormat, while I’ve been thinking I should maybe be nicer to strangers. In traffic, I generally let people in when I sense that they just need to get over (e.g. to exit), but not when I feel like they’re just trying to get ahead of everyone. I can actually be stupidly petty when people keep driving on the shoulder after their lane disappears and traffic in the next lane is stopped, and they want to cut in front of me because now they’re out of room. Fuck those people; I’ll tailgate the car in front of me to keep them from getting in. Not smart, but I hate to let them get away with that.
So how do you all approach this question? Do you act generously for as long as it feels good? Do you act generously only toward those you perceive as deserving? Do you have a rule of thumb? Enlighten me!
It really depends on the circumstances. I don’t have a rule of thumb. In general, I try to be polite and accommodate people, as long as they don’t take advantage of me. How do I know if that’s going to happen? I don’t, but for the most part, people are gracious when you do something nice for them.
The only exception I can think of is cutting in line, because as you said it’s not fair to the people behind me. The only exception to the exception is a line for the bathroom. If someone really needs to go I tend to just get out of their way.
I think the best way is to be accomodating, but don’t let people take advantage of you being nice. I agree it’s a fine line, but we all have to walk it.
I think you can be kind and not be a doormat, as long as the other person isn’t taking it for granted that you will behave that way, and that they somehow have a right to the favor they’re asking.
Other factors, like if there are other people in line behind you, will certainly affect whether you are going to let someone cut in line, for example. But my time is as important to me as their time is to them, and that’s my general rule of thumb.
My job is not to punish strangers, nor to enforce some Code of Justice that just so happens to favor me. I try not to think about what people deserve, but instead what I’m willing to do. If they get something they don’t deserve, bully for them.
Cutting in line is a little different, as my decision to let them cut will push everyone behind me back. In that example, water doesn’t pour that much faster than beer, and if the bartender isn’t an octopus but is getting the drinks one at a time, the request–“Hey, can I inconvenience you and everyone behind you?” isn’t one I’m willing to entertain. If they just needed a straw, it’d be different.
I just don’t give a f*** anymore. Someone wants to get in front of me in traffic, or if the grocery store is packed and they only have an item or two–scootch on in front of me. If anyone has the nerve to protest me allowing a cut, I’ll look them in the eye and say, “I guess I gave them my place in line. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone important.” And move on to the back. Point is, if you’re already waiting in line you’re not in any kind of hurry that matters.
Doormat territory happens when there is more than one opportunity for kindness (and you care about appreciation or reciprocation). That did come up a couple weeks ago–I advised our lodger he had 3-1/2 months to find another place to live. It’s a long story, but he’s 21 and chronically unemployed and doesn’t seem to mind me paying his way like I did when we took him in at 15. Predictably, rather than use the time to get a good footing and locate a sweet deal of a place to live, he immediately started couch surfing and talking shit about me. But I’d do it again in a heartbeat, the guy had a shitty childhood.
I let a guy cut in front of me tonight because I had 25 items and he had 1. I kind of regretted it because the cashier was super slow. But I’m giving myself karma points. I wouldn’t let a guy cut me off in traffic on the way home, though. Minus karma points. Maybe it works out.
I don’t mind. I’m not in hurry so if someone wants to go first then so what. What riles me is that I trust people. And I get burned all the time. My sister tells me to stop but immediately tells me that if I stop she probably would not like me as much as she likes me. One psychiatrist told me that I must be some kind of boderline autistict person. Which I replied: aren’t we all?
Each and every jobseeking assistance I’ve talk with tells me that I’m the kinda guy who should have no problem to get a job as everybody loves me the instant they talk to me. I can’t get a job! No-one want to talk to me about job offer.
Cutting in line: If they are directly behind m, nobody but me is affected. So If they have a handful of items to my barge-on-wheels, I’ll offer my place to them. Not directly behind me is another story; I like the “ask everyone else” suggestion.
Other scenarios, such as allowing someone in or through while driving, is a case-by-case basis. My default response is to let you in. But if I get even a whiff of assholery from you, you shall not pass.
In this scenario where I was near the front and a guy just wanted water then I would let that person go ahead. It’s not going to take much more time. In fact I’d be irritated if I were behind that person further way down the line only to find out after finally getting near to the front that all they wanted was water. So yes, go get your water and the rest of us will carry on as we are.
Also in the case as others have said that if you have a lot of shopping to checkout and someone behind only has a few items then I’d happily let them through. It’s not being a doormat but just plain convenience and common sense. I’ve been in that situation where I popped into a store for one or two items and the guy ahead waved me through to the cashier. It would look bad if you choose to stand your guard.
I always assume that everyone I encounter is having a bad day and could use a break. Unless I am having such a bad day that it’s unlikely a random person is having a worse one.
Of course, when someone asks a favor of you that requires a lot of other people, who were not asked, to also be inconvenienced, that’s pretty easy to decide against.
I think “being a doormat” mostly applies to situations where a behavior which grossly impinges on you is chronic, and the impinger can’t take a hint.
When I was a kid, I hated when kids would let other kids in line in front of them—especially when they did the “you let me get in front of you, then I’ll let you get in front of me” trick. It just seemed so obviously wrong to cut in line without the permission of everyone you were going in front of.
These maybe don’t rise to the level of rules of thumb, and I don’t claim to always follow them, but here are some considerations:
If there are rules or procedures in place to make sure everything runs smoothly, efficiently, and fairly, it’s usually a good idea to follow those.
If doing something results in a net overall good—if it likely benefits another person more than it costs or inconveniences you—do it. (For example, letting someone else go ahead of you in the checkout line if they only have a couple of items and you have a lot would decrease their wait a lot more than it would increase yours; or letting them go ahead if you’re not in a hurry and they might be sacrifices your less-valuable time for their more-valuable time, and probably makes both of you feel good in the process.)
In traffic, doing what’s safe matters at least as much as kindness vs. being a doormat.
The good old Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Note that I wouldn’t really want other people to let me take unfair advantage of them or treat them like a doormat.
I guess @Inigo_Montoya’s “just don’t give a f*** anymore” could mean: don’t take it personally or get emotionally invested. You’re not in competition with other people when you’re driving, standing in line waiting for service, etc.
Focusing on the cutting in a standing line scenario (not the driving scenario) - my beef is that cutters are sometimes being bullies. And being bullies, they are looking for weakness to exploit, and because of my appearance they are choosing me, thinking I am a pushover. I don’t like that.
Now, kindness can still occur in how one says “No”.
Regarding “I just want water” at the bar, so what, a drink is a drink. You can see the line, maybe you come back when the line is shorter, yah?
I have never encountered this. Perhaps as a small, white, somewhat wrinkly woman, I look like someone who might poke a bully in the stomach with my parrot-headed umbrella (if I ever had owned one), so bullies don’t see me as a weak victim.
Nothing so enlightened as all that. I find human interactions in meatspace so tiresome that I avoid them unless absolutely necessary (grocery store, need something for the house or the pets, etc.). If I didn’t need other humans to maintain the infrastructure of the society I both loathe and depend on I could honestly say I don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else’s needs or wants. The only interest people seem to have in my well being is to see whether or not they can get a piece of it. So when I’m driving, or trying to get through a checkout line my main objective is to do it with as little friction as possible. That means a lot of yielding looks like kindness, but it’s worth it. Money, time, position–take it, just leave me alone.