Yes. This is what I’ve been trying to say. Thanks for boiling it down to one clear, concise paragraph for me, Manda!
Tezza, this one line from you tells me that you are well on your way to becoming a healthy, happy, successful adult. Welcome to the SDMB. With this attitude, you’ll be a fine addition!
I came from a very good home where the kids respected the parents and the parents trusted us kids. We were taught the dangers of alcohol and drugs and unsafe sex (in the pre-AIDS period, we feared herpes). My parents made it clear that they did not want me doing those things but if I ever found myself in a situation where I got drunk, wasted, or pregnant, they would be there to help me even though I would be punished.
Still, the lure of having fun with friends was more than my short circuited teenage brain could handle. I was a good kid, from a good family, who just happen to enjoy sneaking out all night and going to keg parties and smoking pot and dropping acid and flying down the canyon in my drunk friend’s truck. It is amazing that we lived through it all. There was no sense of logic when it came to being a respectable daughter and having a great time partying with my friends. They were two completely different worlds. It made sense to me at the time.
Having lived (barely) through my own teenage years and now raising kids of my own, I have learned that no matter how good of a parent you may be, how strict or lenient you are, how well you can talk to your children, they are individuals who are going to make their own choices. Hopefully, those choices will be the right, but sometimes they won’t be. Sometimes we parents have to let them learn the hard way but be there to help them pick up the pieces.
I have also had a very open and trusting relationship with my kids. I have rules and boundaries that I expect them to follow. If they don’t, they suffer the consequences. As mentioned in another thread, I have gone through hell with my oldest child. Halfway through 7th grade, he began hanging out with the rough kids. First he started to come home smelling like cigarettes, then I found a beer can near the bushes, he started to stretch his curfew to 10 minutes late then 20, then 30, then all night. His grades began to drop from A’s and B’s to D’s and F’s. I began meeting with his school counselors every other Friday in an attempt to keep on top of his grades but eventually he was skipping more than he was going.
He started to skip school to drink and do drugs and then one day got busted for stealing beer from the grocery store. I met with his juvenile parole officer and together made arrangements to get him into some type of treatment center. This helped for a while but it wasn’t long until he was involved in gangs and stealing cars. Me, his dad, his parole officer, my family, my ex-family, his school counselor, and many others were all there not only to support him, but to make him take responsibility for his choices. We all knew that underneath everything, he was a great kid.
Eventually, he dropped out of school and spent most of his time in and out of the court system. I was terrified that he would either wind up dead or in prison. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do watching my oldest child sink to the depths he was sinking into. Life consisted of dealing with a child who when he wasn’t in detention, was running the streets getting drunk, stoned, and being involved in gang activity. At least when he was in detention, I knew there was less of a chance of getting that phone call in the middle of the night telling me my son had been killed.
Somewhere along the line something inside him clicked. He decided that he needed to get his shit together. He went into school and somehow managed to talk them into giving him a second chance. Thank God his counselor hadn’t lost all faith in him. Although he was told that it was impossible for him to make up all of his grades before graduation, he told them that he still wanted to try.
He went into court for one last time and promised the Judge that he would never step foot in the courtroom again. The Judge didn’t believe him and sent him away to detention again. When he walked out the doors of the detention center, he told them they would never see him inside again.
He called his AA counselor and started going to meetings again.
We all held our breaths and walked on eggshells.
Not only did he make up his high school credits, he graduated a year early AND with honors! He has been clean and sober for 2 years. He is one of the lucky ones who were able to cut all ties with a gang.
He is in his second year of college and will be moving to St Louis a few days after Christmas to accept a job offer from Lear making a starting pay of $18+ per hour. (I originally thought it was Ford for some reason) He already has an apartment waiting there for him and he will continue his college education. Pretty damn good for a 19 year old kid, eh?
He tells me that everything I did as a parent was right. He takes full responsibility for the bad things that he has done in the past. Nothing I could have said or done differently would have made a difference. He made his own choices that had nothing to do with his home life. That is why I don’t give anyone but him credit for where he is today.
I truly believe that teenagers aren’t incapable of understanding where their life can go depending on the choices they made for themselves. While I do think that it is better to have a strong background for kids to deal with life, I don’t think it determines whether or not they turn out to be a good person. My son had a very strong family life and support system and we went through hell and back. We were very lucky he pulled himself up, most don’t. Zette didn’t have family support, and it is obvious that she turned out to be a good person.
You can be the perfect parent, doing everything right, but there are no guaranties.
One more thing.
I don’t know if it is common, but my friends who were from very strict and smothering homes are the same friends who are now having problems with alcoholism, drug addictions, and in and out of jail.
Am I the only one who has noticed this trend among old friends?
Diane, your son sounds so much like my brother it’s scary!
He too went through the horrible stretch like your son. And like your son, he suddenly came to the realization that only he could fix everything, because by then, he was 21 and had dropped out of school. He went back & got his high school diploma (at a community college that worked with the high schools), finished college (graduated magna cum laude), and now he’s married to a wonderful woman. They have a beautiful son now, and just last year, they bought the house that we grew up in. For a while, we didn’t think he was going to live to be 18, and now he’s doing the whole family proud.
He tried to blame his stupidity on my parent’s divorce. I was the only one who saw right through that BS. He claimed they were playing him off each other, and I looked him square in the eye and said “you are SO full of shit. Mom and Dad aren’t doing it to me. Why would they do it to just one of us?” My parents aren’t stupid. My mom is a social worker, for Pete’s sake. She knows how NOT to play with kid’s heads, and she sure as hell wasn’t about to do it to her own children. She’s just not that way, and neither is our dad. But my parents did feel some guilt about divorcing while we were still in those difficult teen years, so they bought in to my brother’s crap.
After my brother got his stuff together, he told me that I had been right all along–he just wanted to party, and used the divorce as a convenient excuse to be a jerk. I told him that even though I’d always known I was right, I was really, really proud of him for actually telling me himself.
I can see my brother in my nephew. So can my brother. He’s terrified. But know that my nephew will turn out okay, becaue he’s got my brother and all his wisdom to guide him.
Thanks, Persephone!! 
Six weeks later, here’s an update on the case.
http://www.jg-tc.com/NEWS/localchas.html (This link doesn’t go directly to the article–they don’t assign html numbers to each article. But it’ll be in the Archives somewhere, if you’re really interested.)
The two 20-year-olds who hosted the party have been charged with reckless conduct and delivery of alcohol to minors, both misdemeanors.
They can’t be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor because they’re both under 21.
The charges can result in up to a year in jail and a fine of up to $2,500 if there is a conviction. A conviction for delivery of alcohol to a minor carries a minimum fine of $500.
So, is this justice? If I were Sarah’s mom, I’d say, “Hell, no.”