See, this is the part I don’t get. The only time I really feel like hauling off and smacking someone is when I am caught up in the anger and frustration. When I cool down, I would find corporal punishment really barbaric. It just doesn’t feel like the right or resonable thing to do when calm, because then you are coldly choosing something violent when you have the presence of mind and wherewithall to choose a different, perhaps more constructive, form of discipline or punishment.
IOW, when I cool down I am better able to see the beautiful little person rather than the monster, and it’s much harder to imagine hitting that person.
I see your point, but I think “don’t hit your child in anger” means that you should refrain from lashing out at the child because you may use excessive force under the influence of strong emotion.
Certainly, I cannot imagine just going up to a child in cold blood and spanking them etc.
I spanked my kids maybe a total of 3 times a piece–always when their physical danger was immediate (one ran away from me in a parking lot with a car coming-that sort of thing).
It’s not an acceptable behaviour to make a mess all over the car seat. I suppose you could call it a normal impulse, that’s what smacking is for (or whatever your prefered method of discipline is). That remark about not making a children cry over a possession represents everything that is wrong about parenting these days to me.
What if the child cries because she wants to eat treats in the car?
For what it’s worth, I was in an honors academy in my high school-about 40 people per grade. Supposedly the top 2% of the school.
Anyway, one day we did some statistics. We found out that 98% of the people in the academy were spanked (not beaten, just punished by a smack once in a while…I don’t remember the exact qualifiers). We then went to in school suspension and polled the kids. Fifteen percent were spanked.
Of course this was a crappy little experiment done by some dumb high school students. I’m just saying-if you ask me, your daughter will be fine.
i don’t know about you, but i have always thought that violence was wrong. having said that, being a young proud father of one that does not believe in spanking (i make an exception in the case of my wife, but that’s a different story full of juicy details that most of you may not want to hear about, so why i am i still going on about it? where was i?) i have experienced a similar situation that i felt guilty about and then i turned around and took what i could from my guilt and learned from it and i have not since then raised my hand against my son (the only case in which i would find it appropriate is when extreme physical danger is involved). guilt is motivation, it is the way your mind lets you know that you know better and need to do something to improve your attitude/temper or whatever it is. keep up the good parenting.
Honeybee got a few swats on the behind when she was little. In her most obnoxious tone of voice she would say “that didn’t hurt” to which I would reply “It wasn’t meant to hurt, it was meant to get your attention.”
If that little smack on the leg hurt you, more than it hurt her, I’d say you did it the right way.
Don’t beat yourself up. I doubt she scarred for life.
My parents used to spank us kids – two or three good smacks on the butt with an open hand. But we more often got yelled at or sent to our room. I’m pretty sure I got spanked more than, say, ten times in my childhood. (Conversely, I was also a Brat, so make of that what you will)
Spankings were pretty much the Last Resort, and they quit when we were no longer small children. Mum was generally the disciplinarian, Dad was the one who rarely if ever lost his temper. This meant that when Dad lost it, we knew we’d really screwed up. :eek:
I think the lot of us have turned out pretty well if I do say so myself.
Hence the old saw about “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”
For punishment to be effective it has to be just. Deciding upon a just punishment is difficult when you’re in a rage. Saying that you’ll never spank in anger is a way of protecting yourself from being unjust.
If a kid deserves to be spanked, he deserves it because of what HE DID, not because of how YOU FEEL.
Being a parent isn’t easy. Sometimes doing the right thing to do is hard. But it’s still your duty to do it.
You missed the gist. Boo Boo feels some sort of sense of personal failure for smacking his daughter because she, for “reasons unknown,” deliberately spilled her snacks and juice all over the leather upholstery. I took *Boo Boo to task not for hitting his kid (I firmly believe a swift swat on the rump drives a point home to a child), but for failing to anticipate as a parent, with all the resources at hand in this modern world, that a 2-3 y/o child would spill, accidentally or deliberately, a drink. Anywhere. Period.
I would’ve seen that one coming a mile away and had some sort of covering over the seat, as well as spill-proof drink containers.
Teaching a child respect for property by giving them a swift smack on the hiney when caught coloring on the walls, finger painting with feces, eating the dog food (actually, I’d let that one pass; the little critter will grow out of that eventually, and as long as the dog don’t mind…), and emphasising it with a stern “NO” is all well and good.
Smacking your kid because you’re pissed the kid messed something up is wrong.
Two things. First, to make you feel better, I think the incident is going to scar you far more than your kid. You didn’t abuse her, she’ll be fine. The fact that you feel remorse for crossing your personal line shows that you’re not remotely a monster.
I have a 23 month old who tried to rip my jugular out yesterday, and my first gut reaction was to slap her silly (in actuality I used a time out), and truth to tell, though I’m philosophically opposed to spanking, I’m considering whether it might be necessary to meet force with force to stop her violent behavior. It’s paticularly irritating because she obeys my husband and doesn’t try to rip his skin off, but goes after me and half the time laughs when I yell at her.
Second, I totally agree that you will be happier if you adjust your expectations. Toddlers are immensely frustrating, but I find it much easier to deal with when I remind myself that she is discovering the world for the first time, and has practically zero knowledge. She can’t be held to even older child standards like, “Don’t ruin my stuff,” because the impulse will seize her to find out what happens if . . . fill in the blank. They don’t understand that things cost money, are dear to you, or belong to the library, and even if you try to explain, they probably either won’t understand or remember for long.
It wasn’t spanking that scarred me; it was the wild-eyed madwoman charging at me, grabbing me and digging her nails into my arms or scalp, shaking me and screaming at me. And more than half the time, I didn’t even know why this was happening. I would have preferred a spanking that I knew why I was getting it.
This is really the key thing, I think. I was spanked as a kid, but it was always, always preceded by a warning, i.e.:
Momma: Orual, if you don’t stop grinding Play-doh into the carpet, you’re going to get a spanking.
::Mini-Orual continues her adventures with Play-doh, and gets a spanking::
As for my little sister, time-outs were FAR more torturous for her than spankings. A spanking was over with in 2 seconds. A time out meant she had to SIT STILL.
Boo Boo Foo, I think the smack you gave your kid really did hurt you more than it hurt her. You sound like a very conciencious parent.
This is a good post - albeit an uncomfortable one that I have to accept. There’s an old saying which says that “most of our problems in life are of our own making” and in the spirit of that context, yep, I have to concede that at least 50% of the problem in my OP was indeed of my own making. I should have placed a towell or something under Maddy’s booster seat. I should have known that one day a huge mess might happen. I agree with this. Hence, the towell’s gonna be there this afternoon, along with the “treat box”.
To all my other fellow Doper’s… thanks heaps for your wonderful insights and advice. You’re all worth a million.
I do. It seemed like you were equating making a child cry with abuse (almost). I agree some sort of preemptive measure was necessary. Most importantly to explain clearly to the child that she must be very careful not to spill anything if she wants to eat in the car. I would not be mad for any accidents.
Don’t feel to bad, when my daughter was three she mouthed off to me. BAD. Even at three she was a genius(she’s 16 now)and could out argue anyone. I lost it and smacked her across the face. It was something I grew up with. I felt so guilty I called the child abuse hotline on myself. I left a bruise. I have never ever touched one of my kids in anger since. I still lose my temper on occasion but I do not touch them. If you feel gulty about hitting your daughter on her leg you can pretty much be sure you won’t ever hurt her again.
