Smoking and shoe removal are two different issues.
Smoking is hazardous to others and creates unpleasant smells, but smokers generally have a need to have a cigarette every so often. So, as many of the above responses have said, it is a matter of balancing the comfort of the guest with the discomfort/danger that smoking creates. While the host must try and make the guest comfortable, the guest must also avoid creating discomfort and/or anxiety for the host. Some of the above responses have described ways that balance has been achieved. Given that smoking does present a real danger to others, though, the smoker should be extra-considerate. (In my experience, smokers usually are pretty considerate.) If there is a medical reason that someone cannot tolerate smoke at all, then that supersedes other factors.
Shoe removal is a whole 'nother ball of beans.
In the United States, guests are not expected to remove their shoes when they enter someone’s home. It is unequivocally rude to ask that guests remove their shoes.
Exceptions:
Homes of immigrants from a culture where shoe removal is customary. For example, if the people are from Japan and are still “culturally” Japanese (whatever that means), then it is not rude for them to ask that you remove your shoes.
Homes where you are a very frequent guest. If you visit a home frequently, then you usually occupy a position that is somewhere between “guest” and family. Then you should take off your shoes if that is what the family does. The friends of a kid usually fall into this category.
Any other real and pressing reason why shoes can not be worn in the house–like a very sick person who must have a super-clean environment.
The comfort of your guests supersedes your desire to keep your floor clean. If you want to keep your floors clean, do not have guests over.
One of the saddest spectacles I have ever seen was a fancy pre-wedding party at my friend’s parents home. They have white carpets, so they made everybody take off their shoes. So, there were 80-year-old ladies there in pretty dresses walking around in their pantyhose-feet. They were so uncomfortable and they kept trying to hide their feet under the chairs.
Hmm… in regards to the shoe removal issue, a couple of you have mentioned it being rude in the United States. There’s no reason why anyone should feel ‘put-out’ by having to remove their shoes, as it’s such a small thing.
On a personal note, I would never wear my shoes in someone else’s home unless they have instructed me otherwise. I consider that to be rude. I guess it all depends on what side you look at it from.
There doesn’t seem to be a right or wrong here. I think it all depends on where you’re from or how you were brought up. My parents are from Eastern Europe and we don’t wear our shoes in the house, nor do any of their Eastern European friends. However, my cousins of the same background in Australia find it particularly bizarre that anyone would take their shoes off at home. (However, I find their reason particularly bizarre. :))
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Obviously, you’re not in California, where it is illegal to smoke in ANY public building (including all but home businesses). We’re a fanatical lot here.
When I go to someone’s house, I follow their house rules. If I find them intolerable, I leave. I do not ask them to change.
No one smokes in my home or in my car unless they happen to be incredibly good-looking.
I am amazed that there is any debate going one here.
One’s house is one’s castle. The ONE place where you call the shots. (Oh, and your car, too.) Out in the Real World, out in public, you have to deal with other people’s bullshit - their taste in music, their smoking (unless prohibited by law.) But you shouldn’t have to deal with this in your own home. You should not feel obligated to allow something you find offensive in your own home, dammit.
I have a few rules in my life. I will not complain or glare at someone who is smoking out in public. It’s the real world, people smoke. Deal with it. But my home is smoke-free, always will be. The smell does linger for days, really. Why should I have to deal with the smell for days because of some misplaced obligation to allow someone to smoke inside MY house? When a perfectly nice porch is just steps away? Give me a break.
I would be really surprised if a smoker were to be offended by me NOT wanting them to smoke in my house. I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that most smokers are a pretty considerate lot.
I guess I’m just trying to say that I don’t think it IS rude… at all. I have never had a problem with this, no matter where I have gone. That’s why I’m so curious as to why a few of you have said it’s rude in the United States… I’m in Canada, we’re not that far.
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I still maintain that those people who invite smokers to their home only to then tell them they cannot smoke in the house are being rude. There’s usually 2 reasons for this - the first is that it’s smelly, and the smell may last for days. The second is that it’s a health risk.
As for reason #1, I still maintain that having someone smoke a few cigarettes in your house does not leave a lasting smoke smell. Yes, you may notice it the next morning. Perhaps a day or two later you may catch a whiff or two of smoke smell if your guest was particularly heavy smoker, you had several smokers at your house, or a smoker spent a lot of time in one particular place in the house. In my opinion, putting up with an occasional whiff of smoke for a very small period of time is an inconvenience well worth putting up with in order to have made my guests comfortable.
It’s only the current witch hunt against smoking that’s making a lot of people decide that smoking is akin to devil worship, and they will not tolerate it if they have any control over it. There’s plenty of things that may leave a slight offensive smell in your house - friends may bring a dog over, you may cook up some strong-smelling fish, and, by the way, babies and children are stinky to those of us who don’t have them. I hardly think we’d be having this conversation over any of the above situations. Face it, smokers are subject to a witch hunt.
Reason #2: Health concerns. Yes, second hand smoke is a health risk. However, I’ve yet to see a critical, well-researched report that says that two or three hours in the presence of smoke has a significant health risk associated with it. Living with a smoker, yes. Working 8 hours a day in a smoky bar, yes. Spending a few hours with a friend who smokes? Nope. It just isn’t the risk that daily, continued exposure to second hand smoke is.
Fine and dandy to all of you who refuse to allow smoking in your house. Yes, it’s your right - but at least admit to yourself that you’re being rude. Your guests aren’t worth a slight amount of stinkiness. 'taint no sin on your part to be rude, but 'fess up. A good host makes his or her guests as comfortable as they can possibly be.
And the guests? Does anything go with guests? Do they get to spill chips on the floor because they do that at home? Is it OK if they get to belch or fart? Hey - it’s comfortable! Are guests required to show any consideration or politeness at all? Or can they just have the run of the house because it’s all about them and their “comfort”?
It is presumptuous of a guest to expect a host to allow something in their house that is not “normal” for them - something they find repugnant. Most smokers I know understand that non-smokers don’t like to smell smoke, and sure as hell don’t want to have it lingering for days in their home. So most smokers I know don’t have a problem going outside for a few moments to catch a smoke. No biggie.
So why should a host allow someone to stink up their home? Because someone is too lazy to go out to the porch? Is this not rude as well? To be thinking “I know that this smell probably grates on your nerves, that you dread having to smell it for days to come, but I will feel more ‘comfortable’ smoking inside” ? I think this is rude. I would not presume to do this to my host(ess). I would never expect it.
Trust me, some people really cannot stand the smell of smoke. It’s not about villifying smoking, they just hate the smell. Some people have refined noses. On the same not - I cdetest the sound of certain styles of music. No one is going to play certain styles of music in MY car or MY house. Because I HATE it, and it is forced upon me (and I don’t complain) everywhere else. I don’t have to put up with it in my home as well. And dammit, no one is going spontaniously combust if they don’t smoke, or play certain kinds of music on my turf. They have the rest of the damned world to pollute. I don’t think that makes me rude. I would think it would make the person who considers it too much to ask to not be able to “pollute” my house as rude.
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When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If the host is a non-smoker, by all means you should ask permission before lighting up in his/her house. The same holds true for pot, BTW.
If the host smokes, the guest should presume that the host will continue to smoke in his presence. It is his house, after all. If a guest finds this offensive, when issued an invitation he should demure and say, “I appreciate your offer. But I have a nasty physical reaction to cigarette/pot smoking.” At that time, the host can either rescind the offer or offer to not smoke while guest is in the house.
NOBODY smokes in my house. It is not rude to ask that they don’t. My friends all know that I do not smoke, and rather than ask permission to smoke in my house, they say, “Well, I’m going outside to have a cigarette.” I, then, will grab my beer and head outside too to keep them company. I think this is the best compromise.
Of course, if there are two people going outside to smoke, then I don’t need to go also. They can keep each other company!
This is suspiciously near a debate, but I will add my .02 anyway. Whoever owns the house makes the rule. If the host is a smoker, it would be the height of audacity for a guest to demand that he/she refrain from smoking or go outside their own house to smoke. If a guest is a smoker and the host is not, the courteous (it’s not a law, it’s courtesy!) thing to do is to accommodate the guest to the greatest possible extent, as one presumably invites a guest over because one genuinely likes them and would like them to have the most enjoyable visit possible. If there is a legitimate medical reason that a person must avoid smoke (allergy or asthma, for example), then “I’m sorry, Little Jimmy’s condition precludes any smoking in our house, but here’s an ashtray that you may use on the porch,” is both reasonable and acceptable. “I don’t like the smell of smoke,” is not sufficient reason to go to that extent. And unless your smoking guest is staying for days, any lingering smell will be gone in hours (for a modest visit) or in a day (more than one smoker at an all-evening event). If I value your friendship enough to want you as my guest, then I want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself. I cannot honestly believe that a few hours of secondhand smoke is seriously imperiling my health.
Obviously, that same courtesy is expected from the other end as well, and a smoker should never light up in a non-smoker’s home without asking - again, it’s not the law - just common courtesy! It’s not asking all that much to make an occasional concession to someone else’s wishes when it isn’t doing you any real harm. If my guests hate mushrooms, I’ll order pizza without them even if I love them myself. People often get so hung up on their “causes” and “rights” that they forget that your responsibility as a host is…to be a good and thoughtful host.
Smoking in my living room is acceptable. Shooting up in my bathroom is not, as it carries with it an entirely different set of implications, and I am entitled to ask you to refrain or to leave. It’s my house, and that’s where I draw the line. But if I’m visiting an addict, they can shoot up in their own living room if they wish, and it’s up to me to stay or leave - not to tell them they can’t because it makes ME uncomfortable. My parents for many years forbade alcohol in their house, even after all their children became adults and some chose to drink. That’s their perogative, since it’s their house, and when I visited them I either abstained, or went out if I wanted a drink. On the other hand, when they came to my house, they did not expect me to hide the beer or to refrain from having one myself - because that’s MY house.
This is suspiciously near a debate, but I will add my .02 anyway. Whoever owns the house makes the rule. If the host is a smoker, it would be the height of audacity for a guest to demand that he/she refrain from smoking or go outside their own house to smoke. If a guest is a smoker and the host is not, the courteous (it’s not a law, it’s courtesy!) thing to do is to accommodate the guest to the greatest possible extent, as one presumably invites a guest over because one genuinely likes them and would like them to have the most enjoyable visit possible. If there is a legitimate medical reason that a person must avoid smoke (allergy or asthma, for example), then “I’m sorry, Little Jimmy’s condition precludes any smoking in our house, but here’s an ashtray that you may use on the porch,” is both reasonable and acceptable. “I don’t like the smell of smoke,” is not sufficient reason to go to that extent. And unless your smoking guest is staying for days, any lingering smell will be gone in hours (for a modest visit) or in a day (more than one smoker at an all-evening event). If I value your friendship enough to want you as my guest, then I want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself. I cannot honestly believe that a few hours of secondhand smoke is seriously imperiling my health.
Obviously, that same courtesy is expected from the other end as well, and a smoker should never light up in a non-smoker’s home without asking - again, it’s not the law - just common courtesy! It’s not asking all that much to make an occasional concession to someone else’s wishes when it isn’t doing you any real harm. If my guests hate mushrooms, I’ll order pizza without them even if I love them myself. People often get so hung up on their “causes” and “rights” that they forget that your responsibility as a host is…to be a good and thoughtful host.
Smoking in my living room is acceptable. Shooting up in my bathroom is not, as it carries with it an entirely different set of implications, and I am entitled to ask you to refrain or to leave. It’s my house, and that’s where I draw the line. But if I’m visiting an addict, they can shoot up in their own living room if they wish, and it’s up to me to stay or leave - not to tell them they can’t because it makes ME uncomfortable. My parents for many years forbade alcohol in their house, even after all their children became adults and some chose to drink. That’s their perogative, since it’s their house, and when I visited them I either abstained, or went out if I wanted a drink. On the other hand, when they came to my house, they did not expect me to hide the beer or to refrain from having one myself - because that’s MY house.
This is suspiciously near a debate, but I will add my .02 anyway. Whoever owns the house makes the rule. If the host is a smoker, it would be the height of audacity for a guest to demand that he/she refrain from smoking or go outside their own house to smoke. If a guest is a smoker and the host is not, the courteous (it’s not a law, it’s courtesy!) thing to do is to accommodate the guest to the greatest possible extent, as one presumably invites a guest over because one genuinely likes them and would like them to have the most enjoyable visit possible. If there is a legitimate medical reason that a person must avoid smoke (allergy or asthma, for example), then “I’m sorry, Little Jimmy’s condition precludes any smoking in our house, but here’s an ashtray that you may use on the porch,” is both reasonable and acceptable. “I don’t like the smell of smoke,” is not sufficient reason to go to that extent. And unless your smoking guest is staying for days, any lingering smell will be gone in hours (for a modest visit) or in a day (more than one smoker at an all-evening event). If I value your friendship enough to want you as my guest, then I want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself. I cannot honestly believe that a few hours of secondhand smoke is seriously imperiling my health.
Obviously, that same courtesy is expected from the other end as well, and a smoker should never light up in a non-smoker’s home without asking - again, it’s not the law - just common courtesy! It’s not asking all that much to make an occasional concession to someone else’s wishes when it isn’t doing you any real harm. If my guests hate mushrooms, I’ll order pizza without them even if I love them myself. People often get so hung up on their “causes” and “rights” that they forget that your responsibility as a host is…to be a good and thoughtful host.
Smoking in my living room is acceptable. Shooting up in my bathroom is not, as it carries with it an entirely different set of implications, and I am entitled to ask you to refrain or to leave. It’s my house, and that’s where I draw the line. But if I’m visiting an addict, they can shoot up in their own living room if they wish, and it’s up to me to stay or leave - not to tell them they can’t because it makes ME uncomfortable. My parents for many years forbade alcohol in their house, even after all their children became adults and some chose to drink. That’s their perogative, since it’s their house, and when I visited them I either abstained, or went out if I wanted a drink. On the other hand, when they came to my house, they did not expect me to hide the beer or to refrain from having one myself - because that’s MY house.
The smell of smoke makes me sneeze. I hate it. Some smells I just hate. I hate the smell of shit also. Should I allow someone to spread something akin to a shit smell in my house as well, a smell that will linger for days, in order to be “polite”? Who gets to dictate what is a “sufficient reason” to NOT allow something?
Also, some religions frown on or forbid smoking. The religious upbringing is such that smoking is a BAD thing, and these people don’t like the idea of having it in their house. They will not be so rude as to preach a sermon about the evils of smoking to the smoker, but they WON’T want smoking in their house.
Once again, who gets to dictate what is a “sufficient” reason? Just because some people are not as bothered by second-hand smoke, or do not sneeze or grit their teeth in aversion to it does not mean that others will. We all have our limits. Smelling smoke in my own house is one of mine. I can graciously tolerate it (while covering my nose with my braid, if need be) when I’m on someone else’s turf, but I sure as hell am not going to feel compelled to breath into my own braid in my own damned house. Give me a break.
He was a lot older than I, but he was rich, so I married the old geyser.
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Re-read, please: If it’s your house, you make the rules. If smoke makes you sneeze, then you have a reason to ask people not to smoke in your house. I never used the word “polite”, and certainly never implied that one must gag and retch and pretend not to be bothered in order to be polite. I simply called for courtesy on both sides. And for many people, it’s no more a stretch to put up with temporary smoke than to give up those mushrooms on one pizza.
By the way, smoking forbidden by religion would fall into the same category as anything else forbidden by a friend’s religion, be it alcohol, pork, or whatever. Presumably one would know about such significant convictions in a good friend and would be prepared to act accordingly when visiting. Courtesy, respect - not difficult.
I think understand the whole of your post - that boundaries should be observed. However, the hotbutton for me was:
But for many people, that basically is what it’s about. They don’t like it. Or, they hate it - a stronger version of “don’t like”. They may not have a dramatic reason, like religious upbringing - they may be able to not cover their noses, but they just DON’T LIKE IT. DON’T LIKE IT A LOT. No tangible reason, other than they just dislike the smell. And the idea I’m getting from you is, that is not “sufficient”. And that the lingering smell (even if it is for only a short while, which I have personally have never found true) is also not enough of an inconvenience. But, to some people, it IS.
If someone really doesn’t care that much either way if people smoke in their houses, by all means. Let 'em smoke. But I daresay most people who won’t allow smoking in their houses don’t do it because they have lackluster feelings about the smell of smoke. Most likely they REALLY don’t like it.
My house, my rules. I am a smoker and I don’t smoke in my own house. If you want to smoke at my house, you go outside. If that’s rude, too bad.
Exceptions are made when it’s about 5 degrees outside. But only then.
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When I live alone: no smoking in my house. I have allergies and hate the smell of smoke. Not only does the smell linger, the ash leaves a residue on the windows/mirrors/etc.
When I lived with a smoking roommate: she smoked in her room. Smoking guests smoked in her room when she was home. If she wasn’t home, they smoked outside. A certain smoking guest was not allowed to smoke in her room at all. He was a very heavy smoker who smoked those super-long camel cigarettes. He could not go 10 minutes between cigarettes. She couldn’t stand for him to smoke in her room. Even she couldn’t breathe after he’d been in there for a few cigarettes.
I never had a problem with smoking guests feeling offended when they were told where they were permitted to smoke. They knew me well enough to know about my allergies. Most of them never even asked to smoke inside; they headed out the door on their own. I always followed them outside, where I could breathe fresh air and talk to them, when they went to smoke.
I do not think it is rude to politely tell someone not to smoke in my own home. It is my house and I reserve the right to have it smoke-free. When I visit a smoker, I go outside when s/he lights up and limit my time there so I am not coughing and wheezing for a week after the visit.
