Ditto. Dad vamoosed; Mom “wins”.
I had a weekend dad from the age of 6 on, so I quarreled more with my mother simply because I was around her more. As much as I loved Dad and fought with Mum, I always knew which one would sacrifice everything for me and which one probably wouldn’t. Mum, no question.
I chose my mom but only because she was really the only one who was actually there. She was a divorced mom with two daughters that were only 13 months apart. My sister was the more hostile one toward her, I think because she had undiagnosed depression. She would punch and kick me sometimes, break plates and even hit my mom once. To say nothing of the screaming. Her leaving for college was balm for all three of us. She appreciated my mom way more and we started getting along suddenly.
I was my mom’s de facto therapist and didn’t think much of her until I grew up and left the house. I didn’t argue with her, mind, but I did feel contemptuous until I left and had a family of my own. Now I realize that there was a damn good reason for her being exhausted and for drinking herself senseless. I don’t think she should’ve drunk herself senseless, but we all self-medicate in different ways, some healthier than others.
Anyway, I’m 44 now. I have a close relationship with my mom and my sister and the nearest one is 3 hours away. We have an amazing time when we’re visiting, but are all relieved to go home and get away from each other after longer visits.
If I had had any sort of relationship with my dad, he would’ve been the one I was hostile with - I never saw him as anything other than a close acqaintance, with the exception of when I was little and used to pray daily (when I believed in a god) that I woulld develop leukemia or get hit by a truck so I could have his attention, just for once. Anyway, he left my mom for his secretary, left his secretary for his bat-shit crazy third wife and just married #4, who happens to be quite delightful.
My mother is an unselfish angel and my dad is self-oriented with the belief that he should have total control over things in his purview. Which is not to say he is evil, abusive, or ill-meaning: he isn’t. But even so, care to guess who’s easier to deal with?
My father was absent, so the default was my mother, who had to discipline us kids and was the one who we naturally had to push on as we became more independent. But I wouldn’t use the terms hostility or conflict. We knew she worried about us, had our backs and ultimately wanted us to succeed and be happy adults, even if that meant living a different kind of life than she envisioned.
First I rarely quarreled with either parent, but probably more so with my dad.
But that was more likely because I grew up with him. Unlike your classic 70’s kid of divorce like Homie; my parents divorced and my dad was given primary custody of the 3 kids…unusual now; more unusual in 1974. Visitation with mom was standard every other weekend and some holidays.
It wasn’t because mom was a drug addict or terribly irresponsible; she just wanted out of the relationship and dad said “I’m keeping the kids.”
So I had more emotional baggage ‘problems’ with mom because she left us; but quarreled more with Dad, because he was a single parent trying to raise 3 children on his own.
Dad was awesome; he was the best ever and chose a wonderful women to become a stepmother, who I also love deeply.
M parents are great. They love us very much and worked very hard to take care us.
Dad was the disciplinarian, Mom took care of us. I had far more conflict with Dad. He is the son and grandson of alcoholic men, and had anger issues. I suspect depression, because when he came home from work he would shut himself in his den and stay there most of the evening. He vacuumed his little throw rug every day, and if anyone ever touched his phone he would immediately take out his handkerchief and wipe away any fingerprints. He wanted quiet, and would come out of the dent to yell at some of us kids to be quiet. Laughter seemed to the be the worst noise to him.
My parents really didn’t seem to understand what kind of child I was, and never seemed to want to try. So all the things he did to try to get me to do what he thought was best were just sources of frustration and anger. I didn’t care about working hard at school. I didn’t need to. I got A’s on all my tests (except trigonometry) without doing any homework or even studying. I had heard the yelling and crying whenever my two older sisters asked Dad for help with math homework, so I would not put myself through that. They kept telling me I should be running rings around my classmates, but never gave me a reason why I should. I really didn’t want to do what they expected of me. My two older sisters played band instruments, so I would, too. I would rather have had piano or voice lessons. Dad signed me up to play soccer after 7th grade with my 2 younger siblings. I loathe soccer still. The only thing I really wanted to do in high school was join marching band my Junior year. I was forbidden, because it would conflict with CCD classes. I left the Catholic church when I left for college. I’m a Baptist now.
College was a big source of conflict I wanted to be a teacher, and I chose art because it was my favorite subject. My parents wanted me to focus on another subject because art is the first to get cut when budgets tighten. They were right, and as it turned out I hated teaching art, but they didn’t seem to consider me al all when they pushed me to their choice: math and science. I had some really bad teachers and hated both, and I did not want to ruin them for future students. If they had ever had a conversation with me, they probably could have have guided me toward something better. Since they had been wrong about everything else up 'til then, why would I suddenly take their advice? They were wrong; I like teaching science to elementary kids, but I would be unemployed before I took a job as a science or math teacher in a middle or high school.
I am now an instructional assistant, teaching 2nd grade students who are below grade level or need extra attention. I love my job and feel like I am doing something meaningful and important. My siblings have great jobs that pay well and they don’t like very much. Who so you think gets credit for bring successful?
Test.
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This is, honestly, not a clear cut answer for me. My conflicts with my parents are DIFFERENT. Well, they were, my Dad is dead now. Generally very good relationships, so maybe if they hadn’t been one relationship or the other would have flared into something definitely worse.
My dad is excellent, all my problems with him was that he was TOO nice/easy-going which lead to all my sister’s being complete disasters because they had no discipline.
My mother was the main problem, she was the type who was incredibly nice unless she drank, and she drank often. Something would trigger her which would immediately lead to her drinking and wrecking the rest of the day. Her triggers were so minor in comparison, like we would have breakfast at a restaurant and the waitress didn’t refill the soda often enough, or somebody would arrive 5 minutes late to home which made her “worry”, or one of the pets was acting up like a pet does occasionally, and then boom she immediately would start drinking a 40 ounce and start rampaging around the house as she got drunker and drunker. She would also pull knives on people when she was drunk, didn’t matter who. My dad, my sister’s, myself, the cops, she always had a knife hiding in every room of the house just so she could pull it out to threaten someone with. She’s fine now because she drinks less often but she will still have public freakouts when she drinks.