What do you think about all this? You’ve been asking everyone else, but have you formulated any opinion as to your son’s future? From what I gather, you are very concerned with the transportation issue and you like the closeness of the new school, but also want the benefit of good teachers who are willing to work with your son concerning his winter illnesses.
Is there no preventative measure that you have found so that you and your son do not get the colds so often? With the way health care and doctors are on top of vaccines and their patients’ well-being there must be something!
Have you talked to both schools’ principals about a home tutor for when your son gets sick? Does he have a friend in one or both schools that could come over and give him a cap on the day’s lesson and then bring him his homework? On the days when he returns to school, does he take the initiative and use his free time (the extra minutes of lunch or after school, or even before school) to see the teacher? Will the teacher be available? These are always helpful in keeping on top of the work he missed with his absences and it will help you to decide which school wil benefit your son more.
Going on with his classmates, I guess you mean.
If he has any friends, they are only during school hours.
No ones eve rhad him over or came over.
My feelings?
Well, I am afraid whichever I choose, I will regret it and it would be MY fault for that choice.
Right now, I am leaning towards the 5th grade close school, as not much can go wrong there, trasport, grade wise, bullying wise either.
The only minus would be an extra year before graduating.
I find that when I start to feel sick, taking some Echinacea (sp?) helps lessen the effects of whatever cold is coming. I still get it, but it’s not bad enough to keep me home from school. You might want to give that a try to reduce the number of sick days.
Vanilla,
I am confused about the bus issue.
Has he been on the bus in the past and was bullied or is this just something you think you will happen?
Also, you mention bullying in general. Has this been a problem as well?
You say that the school across the street would be better in regards to transportation, but you do realize that eventually he’s going to have to go to the other school, right?
I think you also should look into the illness thing. Right now, he might be able to get by, missing so much. In High School he is going to have a really, really hard time catching up.
You say that it’s only one year behind to graduating, but honestly, unless you address the problems, it’s going to happen again.
In K and 1st grade, we took the local commuity bus to school.(we lived in another suburb, ot with my father)
Since then, the schools have been far enough to get driven, by my father.
Yes, he has been bullied in school, kids make fun of his clothes, hair etc.
He is thin for his age like I was.
Next year, I don’t know if he’d be going toi the 6-8 school.
By then, my father will be 90 and possibly die, and/or we will have money ad be able to move.
So I don’t take that into consideration.
The hours at the near school are so that he could get up 40 minutes later than the other.
It seems like you’ve got your decision weighed in your head. You are still keeping the option of the 6-8 school open, but you favor everything about the new school across the street. Your only misgiving is your guilt if he blames you for holding him back/ moving him on when he is older.
Make 2 lists, 2 very very long lists. List #1: In one column place all of the pros of the 6-8 school and in the next column place all of the cons. Repeat with List #2 except with the other school. Make sure to include your feelings on the transportation issue, teachers, administrators willing to work with you, and other outside opinions (all of our doper friends here). You can even put reasons next to each pro/con. Now step back and leave the list alone for a couple of hours. When you come back to the list, look carefully and see which will benefit your son more.
No matter what, your son will blame you for something when he hits the prime of his peuberty years. He may not express it in front of you in the traditional way of an argument or a slammed door, but it will be there (I was only at that stage a few years ago and I never had an argument with my mother about anything, but I held her responsible for a lot of things in secret). If you are worried about him blaming you for his lack of friends/ being kept behind/ being pushed forward/ or whatever, then be assured it will happen no matter what. I swear teenagers are genetically programmed to have some kind of level of this behavior.
Base your decision on what is best for him right now, right this very moment in his life. Don’t take this as me trying to push you in one direction or another, but understand that this isn’t about you or me or anyone else except your son.
I’m sorry to be rough but you sound like your son’s worst enemy. You believe, and now he believes, that he can’t tolerate cold weather and—with no scientific evidence to back you up—that it makes him sick. 40 days out of school is an ETERNITY. You believe, and now he believes, that he can’t do the work, hence the tears and temper tantrums. You believe, and now he believes, that he can’t safely ride the school bus. You believe, and now he believes that he is a target for bullies of all kinds and cannot be counted on to deal with it himself.
I heard something once that made me stop and think carefully about how best to raise a child. And that was—you aren’t really raising a child; you have a child and you are raising an adult. Is this the adult you want him to be? Fearful, sickly, dependent and shy? Because that’s exactly what he’s going to be.
I’m a teacher and a parent of two teen-aged sons. I teach students and my own sons to be independant, strong, confident and resilient. I teach them by modeling it for them and expecting it from them.
To be honest, I don’t think you really want advice, you seem to just want everyone to tell you to keep him back. But here goes: just do whatever you think is best for your son. You should also ask him what he would like to do and keep that in mind while you make your decision.
I think you should also try to stop sheltering him so much - hold firm on not doing his homework, and if it happens that he needs to take the bus to school, let him. Don’t believe everything you hear on the news – those are only worst case situations, plus don’t forget that the news is trying hard to shock you to keep their ratings up. I rode the bus to school every day of of my life, even <gasp> the city bus. Give your son the gift of believing in him, that he can do everyday things like ride the bus, go to school, do math, etc. As others have said, having confidence is half the battle. You may want to look into some summer tutoring in math. Best of luck in your decisions.
I got teased and harassed on the schoolbus. But I also had friends on the schoolbus. I remember when a group of my friends rose up against the bullies who sat in the back of the bus and together we claimed their spot as ours. Some of my best memories of childhood–particularly middle school–are from those millions of bus rides.
Your son is going to have to learn to handle the bullies somehow. You attending him on the city bus isn’t teaching him anything. There is also the possibility that there won’t be any bullies. He won’t know if he never gets the experience.
When he’s sick at home, how sick is he? Is he too sick to work on schoolwork, or is he just laying there watching TV?
Is there are a way that, if he were to move up to the sixth grade, he could be in a remedial math class?
There’s no real reason to assume that the “40 days sick from school thing” is psychosomatic. Some kids really do get sick that often. I would get a bad cold pretty much once a month when I was in elementary school, and it wasn’t any fun, and I certainly wasn’t faking it to take off time from school. I just had a really crappy immune system, for whatever reason. It may have to do with the fact that I was born two months premature and was, like your son, very skinny (unhealthily so, in fact.) It went away as I got older – I’m in college now, and hardly get sick at all.
At any rate, my point with all this is that yes, some kids really do get sick multiple times during the school year, and they’re not necessarily faking it, nor are their parents. Obviously, you should take him to see a doctor and see if you can’t find out the underlying cause for his reoccuring colds/flu – but, from reading the OP’s posts, I can see she’s done this already.
If you feel like it’s best to hold him back, then do so. If you feel guilty about it, take time to explain to your son that it’s not punishment or anything like that – many people take a year over due to illness, and they often benefit from it.
You really need to do better in the future to make sure your son does well in this world.
You indicated in several ways that you’d rather things be easy for you than things be good for your son. You should really look inside and re-evaluate your priorities. Specifically:
You did his homework for him rather than putting up with the anguish of him learning it for himself.
You’re actually considering the convenient location of the new 5th grade school as part of your decision to hold him back. There are many reasons to consider putting him into 6th, and there are plenty to keep him in 5th. A convenient school location should not be a factor at all.
You’re actually considering your son’s desire to be done with school as a factor for him to go forward into sixth grade. This should not even enter into the equation. The sole thing you should be thinking about is “what path will give my son the best means of doing well in life.”
40 days away from school is way too many, and colds are not a good enough excuse. I’ll be blunt and tell you that I think the location of the school factored in to this. At the very least, you should’ve found a way to get his homework for each of the missed days.
Also, I don’t know what your personal situation is. Perhaps you had some recent tragedy, or perhaps you’re handicapped, or perhaps there is some other challenge in your life that I don’t know about. But barring all that, you really shouldn’t be depending on your 90 year old father for rides and cab fare. You need to find a way to fix this.
Good luck in everything. Things can be better, and you can make it that way.
Strictly IMO, I don’t think this should be a consideration, unless you know for a fact that you will be getting money next year. A cold, hard, certain fact.
I think that a problem here is that you are not looking at the big picture, but rather just the immediate year.
Your father could very well live past 91 (though I am not sure why this matters in the equation) and the money may not come through. Then what? What happens next year in the case that both these things fall through?
You also say that he has no friends outside of school. How are his socialization skills?
The reason I ask is because I used to sit for a boy who was extremely sheltered. He didn’t have friends because he genuinely did not know how to be one. His mom did absolutely everything for him, short of brushing his teeth for him.
Can you enroll him in classes or such outside of school? I just ask this because your child sounds, from only what I know of course, so isolated.
actually, I’m takig all your comments into consideration here.
Its helpful.
But some things:
Yes, he was caught up on all his homework when home sick.
I would go pick it up if I knew he would be off(he did have dr.s notes and visits, but school policy says no more than 30 a year.
As to friends, he can converse quite well with any adult; I’ve called parents, asking for any outing; any get together so the kids could play as we say played yatzee or whatever.
No phone calls have ever been returned; there are’t many kids in the neighborhood.
I have been looking activiely for employment for 5 years, which is why we are living with my father.
I’ve gone 20 miles away looking.
Nothing.
I am not handicapped, nor no tragedy has happened.
I am weighing ALL factors, the list of plus’ and minus’ was a great idea, I’m going to do that shortly.
I got harrassed on the school bus, and it sucked. But it didn’t suck as much as having to be behind a year in school. There are adults on board that don’t really want to get in trouble cos some kid got beat up on their watch. I’d get rides whenever I could (sometimes carpooling with neighbors) and when I was older ride my bike and take city buses. It wasn’t fun, but it worked out.
I sucked at math, too. And I really never did get good at it. But luckly I only had to do a couple years in high school and then it was out of my life forever. I don’t know if there is much good to learn from that, but there you go.
It seems like you need to get your son into some extracirricular activities. Even though I was a big geek at school, I always looked forward to doing stuff outside of school where nobody “knew” that I was “actually” way uncool. Maybe you could kill two birds with one stone and do some self-defence classes (which often give enough confidence to stop bullies from seeing you as an easy mark). See if you can get cheap community classes or cut a deal with someone that teaches- when I was a poor kid quite a few people were willing to waive fees when they saw that I was dedicated to what i was doing but unable to pay.
And don’t give up home. I discovered punk rock in eight grade (which, despite it’s bad reputation, can often be a very thoughful and compassionate subculture) and somehome became cool in high school. In higher grades it seems like kids have a better chance of finding a niche instead of having to try to fit in with the crowd.
When your son has to stay home because of sickness, do not allow him to get on the computer or watch television. They may sound harsh, but it does tend to encourage bed rest and a quicker recovery. Do allow him to read, of course.
Get all of the teachers’ phone numbers at the beginning of school. Give them your phone number. Hand it to them yourself. Do not send it to school through your son.
Allow him a chance to unwind for an hour after school, but then he needs to do his homework. No TV or computers until homework is done and checked by you.
Stay in particularly close contact with his math teacher.
If he is bullied at school, find out which class it happens in and talk to that teacher and to the principal. But don’t tell your son that you are doing that. Do tell your son that you will look into it and to tell you anytime it happens and who is doing it. Ask him if he is doing anything to provoke it. Make him look you in the eye.
Be certain that your son gets the flu vacine every year. I’m not a doctor, but right after Halloween is probably a good time.
Vanilla, none of us know for certain what the result of our choices will be. We can make absolutely the most reasonable and unselfish choices possible and something can still go wrong. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to make a careful and wise choice.
But once that choice is made, you must be like the lillies of the field. It really will be okay to let go of the worrying about the decision you have made.
Guin: Are you kidding?
My father put the heat on YESTERDAY.
It was 65 here yesterday.
He is academically ready for a th grade, but not socially ready for a 6-8 school.
His 4th grade teacher said he wasn’t ready socially for 5th but I put him forward anyway.
Then the levy passed.
My cousin was socially behind through several years of elementary school, and as a result, his academics suffered as well. He was held back a year, and caught up socially and academically, and quite well in school thereafter.
So sometimes being held back isn’t the worst thing in the world.
However, I’d be very concerned about the amount of time your son is absent from school. Are you keeping him home on your doctor’s instructions, or just on your own initiative? You really need to talk to your doctor about this, because that much time off is going to cause problems all the way around.
You’re getting some great advice in this thread. I hope it helps.
