aikido would be my best bet. if it’s too strong and too fast for a strike or a clinch, then just deflect his attack, giving you time to run or draw weapon.
I would just practice disarming armed human male opponents.
… and then bring a few guys I hate, with guns, to the chimp fight.
what if the chimp’s trained to cower behind the guy with the gun?
That’s why I bring more than one guy with a gun.
It doesn’t seem to work that well against trained humans, so I wouldn’t want to try it with a chimp.
it doesn’t follow. does it mean chimps are similarly trained as humans who can negate aikido techniques (i think few ‘trained humans’ can.) what i’m expecting you to say is ‘aiki’ works for an erect biped while chimps charge on all fours (it’s hard to get leverage from the back of your assailant’s neck or his strong arm.)
What I meant is that it doesn’t seem to be terribly effective as a martial art. I do not want to hijack the thread, so I won’t belabour the point. If you really want to discuss it though, one of us could create a new thread somewhere.
At any rate, the only martial art that I’d expect to really help in this situation would be something developed to fight chimps. Oddly, nobody seems to have developed such a thing. That would be interesting. I wonder if anyone would make it all the way through to black belt and still have any fingers left?
there’s the bullfighting thread i started over at GQ. some kung-fu weapons are actually designed for animals (ex: the tiger fork.) some hindu weapons are actually for gladiatorial fights with tigers (so they say.)
but unarmed techniques against dangerous animals? very few mention. there’s mas oyama’s knack for punching cattle in the head. also some chinese iron palm practitioners chronicled to have killed horses and even cattle just by slapping them in the side. or maybe i’m in the wrong part of the world? never heard of african methods against apes including chimps.
regarding aikido, we don’t have to start a new thread. suffice to say some people think it’s a terribly effective self defense technique.
“Some people” think lots of things. I don’t think that’s at all sufficient.
That might not go as smoothly as you expect it to.
I think 9.5 times out of 10 a chimp will win, but there are those outlier cases where humans perform amazing feats, thanks to their fight or flight response kicking into overdrive. I don’t think anyone giving precedence to their life instinct will do very well, but a person suddenly caught up in the moment may be able to pull off a victory for us humans (hey, I have to root for the home team :)).
Otherwise, we’re just not equipped to excel at it. I’ll go ahead and just say krav maga, combat sambo, or jiu jitsu, in that order, since they all utilize various chokes/joint locks. Since I’m sure the fight will get in close, anyway, maybe some sort of choke or submission can be applied quick enough to incapacitate or break something, and follow up after the injury. Of course, the person will probably have to take some, in order to give.
My smart money is still on the chimp, but I’ve read of cases where humans have upset the odds against animals, before.
Ummm…guys…that chimp is still out there…and right now he thinks he’s Rambo…and I doubt the morons that just gave him the gun are smart enough to get it back…plus the chimp has height advantage, once it’s in the trees, that’s the end of the story, or at least the end of those guys (they should have never killed his family, and now he’s A&D)…and once he’s through with them…he’s coming for us! :eek:
ask chuck norris.
I thought of starting a thread in GQ about this but I might as well ask here:
What is the evidence that chimps are so incredibly strong that no human – no matter how strong, no matter how well-trained – can kill a chimp in unarmed combat?
Posted earlier in thread: Can a 90-lb. chimp clobber a full-grown man? - The Straight Dope
It mostly a matter of anatomy. Any in shape human can leave a chimp in the dust in a long-distance running contest and no chimp will ever be able to throw a baseball like a major league pitcher. But chimps have much longer arms with differently attached ( and relatively more massive ) muscles compared to humans - their arms act as much more efficient levers. Neurologically they may also have less fine muscle control than humans, but greater burst strength. So a chimp has a huge advantage in a grappling contest, plus more impressive dentition and are fast and agile enough to dodge an attempt to keep them at a distance. In close they can shred you. Chimpanzees do hunt and kill gazelle by hand.
Doesn’t mean they can’t be killed hand-to-hand by a human. It just means I would bet on the chimp.
<bowing while typing>
Thank you. He was my favorite, too.
ETA: By the way, I hate that frickin’ monkey. He does jump spin heel kicks better than I do. 
The study referenced in Cecil’s column was discredited by later research, and the column has comments about what “chimps have been known” to do, with no cites. I’m wondering about recent “stronger” (?) evidence, perhaps even some videos of chimps performing “superhuman” feats. Maybe a chimp casually tossing 100 lb dumbbells, or lifting 1000 lbs overhead, or 2000 lbs off the ground.
Also, your explanation, though cogent, only provides a basis for concluding that chimpanzees are stronger proportionately than the average human. It says nothing about how much stronger a chimpanzee actually is, nor does it provide evidence of a chimp’s ability to win against an unusually strong and highly-trained human.
Does a chimp really have “a huge advantage in a grappling contest” against someone like Mariusz Pudzianowski, 270-lb five-time winner of the World’s Strongest Man title? I’m not saying that Pudzianowski is guaranteed to win against a chimp, but it seems that some posters in this thread think that a chimp is invincible, no matter who the human opponent is.
Also, it’s no big deal, but do you have a link that confirms that chimpanzees hunt and kill gazelle? I couldn’t find anything online. Thanks.
I should have said antelope more generally :). Duikers aren’t terribly impressive size-wise, but the Bushbuck and Bush Pigs are a little bit more substantial. Studies here and here. Not exactly Bongo antelope to be sure, but I wouldn’t want to grapple with the latter two by hand.
As to studies on strength, there is this, which is at least suggestive, if hardly definitive. Again, I’m not saying a human couldn’t kill a chimp with his hands. But I just wouldn’t bet on the guy because a mouthful of fangs on even a comparably strong critter would be a fighting at a disadvantage.
Ah the ancient art known as Remington-Fu
It seems that you are assuming that chimpanzees hunt, kill and eat adult antelope. There’s no indication of that in the studies that you cite. In fact, the first study mentions “small infants of blue duikers” as prey for chimpanzees. Also, the main prey was the colobus monkey which is a lot smaller than a chimp. And a bushpig isn’t an antelope, right? 
(In any case, the study says that chimps “would flee or bark aggressively” when approached by an adult male bushpig.)
Anway, back to the OP. If the question is: “Would any human who has two years to train under a discipline’s most esteemed masters stand a chance against a chimpanzee?”, I think the answer is yes, if the human is a 230-lb expert in Krav Maga, especially if given the opportunity to observe a chimp in action and develop an approach specifically designed to kill a chimp. But, of course, the encounter will never happen.