Yesterday I had an appointment at the neighborhood day-spa. I was in for some waxing, and some skin treatment. First time I go there, it’s not cheaper than my usual one but it’s within walking distance to my house (which is why I drove there ).
Anyways, I love these places, it’s everything that my home isn’t anymore with a 2 year old who wouldn’t stop talking in between sessions of “wreck the house”. Quiet, silent, good AC, not too cold, not too hot, some candles and darn if the place doesn’t smell good. She comes recommended too, what could go wrong?
I will tell you what. Why is it that every spa in the planet must try to sell you that pseudo-spiritual stuff?
“This massage helps open up your spirit and re-aligns your Chi”
Bitch I am only here for some glycolic acid, a back massage and to get away from my kid and husband for a while! I don’t need my fucking Chi re-aligned. What kind of moron do you think I am?
Now, my tires need rotating, so if you could be so kind…
That would actually be a good service. I’m not sure which way would be better, to have the mechanic work on your car in the spa parking lot, or to have masseuse set up shop in the waiting area of the mechanic’s shop. I’m thinking the former.
Make a concerned face. Ask whether the masseuse maybe could employ a grounding strap, or chi-neutral gloves and an anti-static mat. Maybe some copper wristbands or homeopathic magnets to neutralize this unwanted effect. Pause for effect here.
Now, in a conspiratorial tone, insist that you are performing a delicate bonsai with your life and the lives of those around you, and the vision behind the deliberate misalignments of your Chi will only become apparent to outsiders after decades of careful twisting and bending. To re-align them now would be to obliterate at least twenty years of painstakingly difficult work pruning your masterfully bent Chi, setting you further from the path to Nirvana. Or possibly Satori, you’re not clear on exactly where you’re heading. But regardless, do they want to destroy a work of art or something? Jeez!
Then ask them how much they charge for a massage that loosens muscles, promotes blood flow, and keeps you out of earshot of your screaming toddler for an hour.
Well, we can align your chi for you if you want, but you see that front chakra there? You’ll be right back in here in a couple of months if you don’t replace it. You might also consider our complete Life Force package; that’s where we flush and fill your karma, lube your meridians, and tune up all your spectra. You save 10% on the package, and it can really save you some trouble with winter coming up.
You could have threatened to report them to the cardinal as satan worshippers.
Not entirely in jest - the bishop in my home town runs a ferocious campaign against Catholics attending the local Yoga centre, and has gone as far as using terms like ‘satan worship’ and labelling the woman who runs it as ‘a witch’.
Look, whether or not you buy into the whole “chi” thing, there’s hardly anything detrimental about having someone proclaim the ability to align the energetic meridians in your body. Might help. Couldn’t hoit! What’s not to like? I can give you a bowl of soup with that tuxedo.
The last time I got a massage it was so helpful that I fell helplessly in love with the masseuse and offered to go to her home and change the kitty litter for her. Fortunately her son came scampering in with her husband and that was that.
Despite your pit rant here, did you enjoy the massage ?
Man, I hate that woo-woo new age stuff. I was reading the thread on tuning forks in GQ the other day and got to thinking that it would be cool to have one, so I went browsing on EBay. Well, not surprisingly, it turns out that tuning forks have been adopting by the spiritualist pseudo-science crowd. This listing was my favorite.