I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. I’m slowly regaining some life at this point. I have zero control of the TV though.
We’re really trying to get them to make their beds, clean their rooms, help cut the lawn, put the garbage out, bring the empty garbage cans in, walk the dog, tidy the basement, set the table, rinse their dishes, etc. And even with all of that they do about 5% of what we do around here: the lazy pricks.
In other words, it gets a fuck of a lot worse. A fuck of a lot worse!
You might just be going through a quarter life crisis and fugue that comes with that period of life. Nothing wrong with that.
Here is something funny about where I grew up. I will never make as much money as my dad (who is a medical professional), but when I went to college I shared an apartment with my brother. The rent was $500/month and the utilities were about $200/month. And we lived better than our parents did when they were on a far higher income. I think part of it is just that our apartment complex was newer, we had newer technologies (we had TiVo before they did), the city outside was so much nicer and alluring than where I grew up, we had central heating/cooling (which they didn’t have at the time), etc. So at least for me, getting out improved my standard of living. But I can see how that won’t always be the case.
But I think our generation (people under 35) have to adjust to a lower standard of living and more risk in our lives. Lots of expenses have grown dramatically and keep growing (energy/fuel, food, education, health care, retirement) while wages have at best stayed the same or declined. Jobs are harder to get than 30 years ago. Health care is a bit better, but far more expensive and unreliable (is health care in 2011 really improved enough to be worth 2x the cost of health care in 2002?) You have to save most of your retirement income by yourself (matching 401ks and company pensions are going away). On top of that the public sector debt is massive and constantly getting bigger, which means higher taxes and fewer services. I pay much more in FICA taxes to retire at 67 than a person 40 years ago did to retire at 65. Plus that guy probably got a pension. I will probably pay even more in taxes for things like medicare and SS, and the programs will probably be more spartan when I need them.
It sucks, but it is something we have to adjust to. Our standard of living is in decline, and is becoming more like a middle income middle class standard of living (the middle class in Latin America as an example). Still pretty good globally, but not the western middle class we’ve all been told a college degree and a good work ethic would give us.
I think the real secret to life is that you already know all the answers, they’re just almost never easy to accept. For every kind of problem, inevitably, your personal solution will already be codified into some kind of bubbly cliche that people cross-stitch onto wall hangings and that you’ve heard a million times. It just takes that moment where you go “Holy fuck… be mySELF!” and see the underlying truth in it. In this case I think you’re dealing primarily with a “Life’s not fair,” but there are others, I’m sure.
The thing is, somebody telling you life isn’t fair is worthless to you, because you’ve heard it before and don’t believe it’s a solution to anything. It actually is the answer, though: this is what life is, so now what? The trick is finding something that gets you across the bridge to a place where you can accept the wisdom of it. My little contribution is this: you said
and I think that’s your problem. You’re not supposed to be happy about it. But if you’re going to be happy at all, it looks like you’re going to have to be happy despite it. The trouble with focusing on how somebody’s always got it worse is that you’re not acknowledging the implicit lesson - a lot of those people who have it worse, they’re OK. It’s all down to what you’re paying attention to, and (speaking of profundity and cliches) that really is up to you.
People who have really hard jobs and not a lot of money and aren’t being provided for and who are still happy aren’t happy because they’re dumb or, for the most part, because they’re lucky, but because they work at it and think about it. They think, hmm, these things make me happier, and these other things don’t, so I’m going to figure out a way to have more of the first pile and less of the second, and then they do it. And there are other kinds of people who don’t do that. That’s true of people of all walks of life, from all kinds of backgrounds, which is why you can’t always tell anything about a person’s childhood by knowing them as an adult. The point, at least to me, is that it doesn’t end up mattering terribly much what windfalls or setbacks you experience, not compared to how much of a difference your own attention and perspective can make.
I recommend this with a relentlessness that is probably approaching religious at this point, but David Foster Wallace made a commencement speech about being an adult and having freedom to think that I really think is just 100% gold (and which if you read the whole thing makes everything I’ve already said redundant). They made a book out of it (“This is Water”), but it’s still available online. Here’s a part of it which I think also ties into the suggestions that volunteering might help you get your own attention:
I’m curious, Rigamarole. Is there one thing about adulthood that you hate the most?
Is it working? Just working in general, or your specific job?
Is it house-keeping? Living in an apartment instead of a nice house?
Lack of free time?
I say single out the one thing that bugs you the most and make that be the target of action. If you hate your job, don’t quit right now. Just think of ways you can either make it better (promotion, perhaps? lateral transfer?) or think of other jobs that you might like better. And then try to put those ideas in action. Consider that it could also be where you live. I was unhappy living in Florida because, IMHO, the cost of living (including intangible costs) didn’t translate into a pleasant standard of living (one-bedroom apartment for $1000 a month? What the hell?!). So I moved hundreds of miles to another job and things got better.
If it’s house-keeping, lots of adults hate this. :raises hand: I hate it and I wasn’t spoiled. I know how to clean a house upside down, but I just value my free time more. For this, I say focus on the basics. Keep things sanitary. Clean kitchen, clean bathroom. Occasionally sweep or vacuum. Don’t worry about making up your bed if you don’t want to, or lining everything up nice and neat on the bookshelf.
Free time is tough. Sometimes you simply don’t have enough time to do all the things you want to do. You might have to narrow your interests down until you get enough money or time to do more things. Find your introverted side and become an avid reader or outdoorsman. You don’t have to be rich to be these things, and you become more interesting along the way.
This sounds stupid, so forgive me. But one thing you can do is never grow up. What I mean by this is that there is no rule you have to drop all your childish (or child-like) ways. Sleep till noon on the weekends, if you want to. Have cake and ice cream for breakfast, if you want to. Wake up in the middle of the night just to play video games. Do little things to release the pressure valve of what constitutes “mature” and you might feel just a little better.
Good luck.
Congratulations! You’ve come far enough that you know this complaint is whiny and immature. I’m not being sarcastic, there are legions of people that will never get this far.
Your real problem is not that adulthood is not as fun as childhood. Childhood wasn’t really that fun, remember? Your real problem, everybody’s real problem that has gotten high enough on Maslow’s hierarchy is how to be happy.
Jimmy Chitwood is right! (love your post Jimmy!). Most of the people who are happy are not happy because of their external circumstances but because they work on it. There are an awful lot of unhappy people with fabulous external circumstances (perhaps even you as a child?)
Most of the posts in this thread are pointing in the right direction: It’s all about perspective. The perspective you seem to be using right now is: “The present isn’t as good as the past.” That one’s not making you happy, so when you find yourself dwelling on it, stop and pick a different one. Maybe “I am so grateful to have everything I really need” or “Wow, the weather is really fabulous today” or “Hey look, a working penis and access to all the porn in the world!”
There are thousands of books about this problem (how to be happy) go search around amazon and pick out a few that sound good to you.
I’m in your boat a bit. What helped me recently was paring down my junk. I got rid of a lot of old stuff. Stuff that reminded me of earlier, worse times. Stuff that I had brought with me from college or even high school. Placeholder stuff. Stuff I thought I would use but never got around to doing. I just got rid of it all and made a clean break. Then Nashiitashii and I went and got a few things that we really wanted. We didn’t compromise. We didn’t settle. You know what?
It felt GOOD.
It felt good to fully control our choices. It felt good to “be grown-ups” and save for what we really wanted rather than indulging our inner children and grabbing a participation prize. We did what others have suggested and figured out our priorities and made accommodations to them. The Roomba was expensive, but I don’t have to hoover the floors now and the house stays nice and clean. The nice chairs in our living room aren’t traditional, practical for guests, or cheap but WE use them; and WE love them. We take nice vacations, but very infrequently rather than doing little stuff all the time. It isn’t about the purchases, experiences or what they mean to other people; it is about what they represent to US: freedom and self determination.
Live for yourself. Figure out what you really want and go make it happen. THAT is what being an adult is about.
Two things spring to mind…
One is that, like monstro said, being an independent adult takes some getting used to. I remember the ‘Butbutbut I don’t wanna!!’ feeling when I first moved out of home and the electricity bill needed paying, or I needed to schedule a dental checkup. I got over it by giving myself a metaphorical kick up the arse and reminding myself that this was part of adulthood: those things needed doing, no one else was going to do them for me, and there was no earthly reason why they should. After a while I got used to doing them, and the ‘I don’t wanna!’ feeling went away. Basic responsibilities don’t feel like some kind of imposition any more.
The other is that it does sound like you’ve internalised some of your father’s belief that who you are, and how good your life is, is based on what you have rather than on what you do. Which, as you’re finding out, isn’t a particularly good recipe for happiness. I think the way to get over that is by doing things that you love and/or that make you feel like you’re doing something worthwhile. Slowly, that might reshape your focus.
That’s a good idea - sometimes we go to Toys 'R Us to look for whatever, and sometimes I buy myself something stupid - just because I can. I also clean the house every Friday because it needs to get cleaned and I’m the one who does it - you have to find your balance that works for you.