“Zaphod’s just this guy, you know”
But if you really seem interested, I can talk about myself until you’re really fucking bored.
I am a meat popsicle.
I am me.
This.
As a random isolated question? You’d get my name, and a puzzled look. (If that – if you opened a phone conversation like that, you’d get an icy “Who is calling, please?” or possibly an equally icy “Who are you trying to call?”)
In various contexts, you might get ‘I’m the market manager’, or ‘I’m on the planning board of town’, or ‘I run [name of] Farm’, or ‘I’m [this cat’s] human’ or ‘I’m waiting to pick up so-and-so’, or ‘[last name], party of four’, or any of all sorts of other answers.
At one in the morning, after a bottle of wine? Depends on how well I know you, how open I think you are to varieties of opinion, and how awake I am.
I am Susan Ivanova, Commander. Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart! I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you will ever see. God sent me.
I’m just {shrug} Linda Litsky!
I’m just a simple human. But I’ll grow on you.
I am the promised kiss of springtime
That makes the lonely winter seem long.
I am the breathless hush of evening
That trembles on the brink of a lovely song.
I only know that I woke up in a Soho doorway and a policeman knew my name.
I’m a successful zygote with nice cleavage.
I’m the half truth in the lie
I’m the why not in the why
I’m the last roll of the die
I’m the old school in the tie
I’m the spirit in the sky
I’m the catcher in the rye
I’m the twinkle in her eye
I’m Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly”
Well, who am I?
“Who are you” has a long history as a mocking salutation in England, going back hundreds of years according to Charles Mackay in “Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness Of Crowds”.
Thought you’d really want to know.
Yes, I learned about this in The Annotated Alice by Martin Gardner, who points out that when the Caterpillar asks Alice, “Who are you?” it’s likely a reference to this.
Wait - you’re a cop? I did not know this. It’s been irrelevant to our interactions, so no reason for me to know. Anyhoo, as before I knew that data point, glad you’re here.
Well, you can go sleep at home tonight, instead of the doorway. Up to you. Just get up and walk away.
I am curious what you are talking about. I don’t have a solid image of you as a poster or any interactions. What bewilders me is this ‘cop’ idea. Does it mean something? Have we had any notable interaction on the board?
You know, I think I must have misunderstood something. I apologize for sticking my oar in.
Ok, but I recognize your user name, I see it a lot, I just don’t have anything to associate with it. Have we agreed on anything? Argued about something (more likely)? I am actually interested if you’ve formed some opinion of me. I’m pretty sure I’m not winning any popularity contests on the board so a negative response won’t throw me.
I thought you were a sea cucumber breeder. Did I get that wrong? 
Nope. I specialize in lost socks. If you are missing any, they are in my son’s room. 