I spent a long time finding him and getting to the stage when we are both living in the same country. Not to mention the time I spent training him.
I’m not going to sacrifice what I have with him for the sake of a child which might grow up to hate me, or at the very least will eventually leave the home and be seen only seldomly. Whereas I know my man loves me, and he’s unlikely to change personality too much (compaired to a growing child) so I’ll always love him, and I know I’ll have him by my side for the rest of my life.
If we wanted to we could always make another kid, no way I could make another Twisty.
Plenty of situations that I can think of- although I don’t expect any of them will come up for me, I have seen people in all of them chose the man over the child. Most of them involve abuse or neglect of some sort , and they don’t always involve the kids’ father (can be a new spouse or boyfriend), but I suspect that abusive or neglectful situations or serious disagreements about childrearing issues are what your coworkers are talking about. I wouldn’t automatically oppose that transfer to Hooptyville because one of my kids said they would be unhappy. I would probably oppose it if it came up a year or so before one of them was due to graduate from eighth grade or high school. I probably would have opposed sending my child to boarding school, had my husband insisted on it I would not put a husband or boyfriend first if he wanted to take frequent weekend trips and vacations that almost never included the kids. I would not put him first if it meant he spent hundreds of dollars a month on his own entertainment while the kids couldn’t go on class trips or participate in activities because of the cost. I wouldn’t automatically choose Fuddruckers every time, but also wouldn’t automatically choose Red Lobster every time. And should I ever get into one of those situations with my husband, I don’t think it would be entirely accurate to say that I put my kids before my husband or my marriage. There would also be a certain amount of me questioning why, exactly , I married a man who disagrees so much with me. And I think that to some extent, that’s why some people say their spouse would come first- not because their spouse would come first in any possible situation, but because they can’t imagine disagreeing with their real life spouse on an issue important enough to be worth ending the marriage over.
It depends so much on the situation, is all. I do believe that one of the best things I can give my children is a good marriage with DangerDad. He is my primary relationship, he’ll still be around when they’re grown, and I am firmly in the camp of working on my marriage and staying close with him, so that we aren’t strangers in 20 years. We love our kids to death, but we’re a married couple first.
But DangerDad is an adult and can take care of a lot of his own needs. In an everyday, day in day out way, the kids’ needs come before our desires. They get fed and taken care of before we can do what we want. If we’re concerned about DangerBaby and allergies, and feel that she should be nursed as long as possible, then we do that, despite the short-term depressive effect on our Fun. (We’re happily over that phase now.) If it turns out that one or more of our kids needs some kind of special thing–private school, intensive time, theater activity, or something equally expensive or time-consuming–then we’ll provide that and skip on candlelit dinners at fancy restaurants or whatever.
For now, the kids are dependent on us for their needs and any extras they may get–whereas we’re the adults and are supposed to be able to delay gratification, put up with inconveniences, and wait our turn. Not indefinitely and to the point that our relationship falls apart, obviously, but at least until after dinner.
Now, I’m not talking about spoiling the kids–we’re the grownups and we’re gonna decide where to eat–after taking their wishes into account, of course. Neither do I mean giving DangerGirl a pony because she mentions that she wants one. Reasonable accommodation to the condition of being a kid is necessary, though, and parents should try to provide what they can in the way of enriching activities. (For example, I wanted to be an exchange student. I worked to save money, I filled out the applications, but my parents supported me and contributed most of the cash. “If this is what you really want, we’ll find a way to do it” was their attitude, and one I am grateful for.)
