I was surprised by my single Christian sister when she said that she’d love her husband more than her children… what do you think?
I give no weight at all to hypothetical relationship “rankings” as imagined by someone who does not have any such relationship. Love for a partner is a different emotion than love for a child.
Well people who do have a partner and a child/children could say what they think.
The rankings have real world consequences - e.g. the resources such as time, effort, money, goodwill, etc, they’d invest in them.
Also it could involve making choices about what the partner wants or what is best for the partner vs. the interests of the child… the type of emotion involved isn’t necessarily relevant.
I’m not sure you can separate them, unless it is a dysfunctional relationship.
Your partner should have the same love for the kids. If it is a second tier marriage I can see it.
I did a google search for
always put my children first
A lot of people separate them:
Love is a feeling and a behavior.
Feelings can’t be helped. They can’t be “shoulded”. If a person has strong feelings towards their spouse more than their kid, they can’t be faulted for that. It just is what it is.
Loving behaviors are different. I think significant others owe it to themselves to show care towards one another, but ultimately, they are even more obligated to put their resources towards their children. If the kids don’t have food, then the parents shouldn’t be going out for steak dinners. If you can only spare one hug a day, it should go to the person whose pysche and self-esteem are still developing and who lacks the ability to go looking for love somewhere else.
Loving behaviors don’t have anything to do with feelings. I have no problem with a parent who despises their child, as long as they don’t show it in their actions.
I should have called the topic “who would you tend to put first” like those quotes are about - not about love.
Putting someone first can mean just giving them a bit more resources - it doesn’t mean that they get everything while the other person gets nothing.
This entire thread confuses me but I’d be willing to bet your sisters ideas are based in her particular brand of Christianity.
You should always love your child more because you created them (even if they were adopted). You are responsible for them. Even after adulthood where you’re not legally responsible, you still have that hangover.
Your partner should understand that, especially if they are also the parent of the same child.
I agree that it’s a different feeling, but if your partner and your child were hanging off a cliff, and you could only catch one of them, which would you choose?
That’s the scenario I’ve seen posed before and it has its own revelations, but it does has real-life corrolaries with more nuanced decisions between what’s better for the partner or for the child.
I love my partner and I love my children, but the love is somehow different. There have been times when I’ve put my kids first; my gf has accepted (indeed expected) it.
If I ever saved my Wife while allowing one of our daughters to die, She would never forgive me. Ever.
During our pre-marital counseling our priest said we needed to put our spouses before anything else (besides God, natch).
(snipped and bolded by me)
First off, those two statements don’t have anything to do with each other. Responsibility is one thing, and love (both the emotion and loving behavior) is a totally different thing.
I agree that you’re responsible for a child. I also agree that you should show loving behavior towards your child.
I strongly disagree that you “should always love your child more” - based on what exactly? The fact that I pushed them out my body? The fact that an adoption agency paired us up? What if our personalities conflict? What if they end up being an axe murderer? What if they’re abusive, or selfish, or hateful towards me (or towards other people I love), what if they torture my cat or burn my belongings? Should I always “love them more” regardless? And if not, what are the conditions governing dissolving that “you should ALWAYS love them more” relationship?
I CHOSE my husband. I love him dearly. We are both adults, with developed personalities that work together and mesh very well, and at times, he drives me absolutely bonkers. Yet society allows divorce, and mostly doesn’t treat it as a horrible terrible unhuman decision to make. I chose my friends, and some are still close and I love them, and some have drifted away because our interests and personalities have altered over time. I don’t love all of them anymore, but society doesn’t berate me for abandoning some. Why should the parent/child relationship be held to a special standard?
I hate when people start dropping “shoulds” and “musts” and “you wills” on mothers (parents in general, but mostly mothers) about anything, because they get enough shit anyway from society. This is a particularly bad precedent, because they don’t have any way of knowing what kind of people the kids are going to be, and I don’t think anyone - no matter the relationship - OWES anyone else an emotional connection.
Apples and oranges. The feelings are different. I look forward to the time the kids are on their own and it’s just me and the S.O. But until then I would sacrifice everything for the kids. And my girlfriend agrees. But they all annoy the crap out of me at times.
My child comes first. My wife would put her children ahead of me.
As a spouse and a parent, it is very seldom where you have to choose between the two. Most of the time it is fluid and when situations arise where you might have to choose, each situation is unique and usually it is very easy to decide who wins in that particular situation and it’s not always the same outcome.
I find that black and white hypotheticals don’t really have much application in the real world.
ETA: I have yet to be in a situation where there is a life raft with only chance of one person’s survival and I have to choose between my spouse or my child.
Who remembers this essay, by Ayelet Waldman, about how she loves her husband more than her kids, and the backlash it set off? Truly, Madly, Guiltily - The New York Times
I didn’t understand the comparison then or now. I love my partner and my children differently, and don’t feel a need to rank them. I do, however, feel more responsible for my kids. That’s my job as a parent.
Put the kids first as that buys you a bit more time to get away from the charging bear.