The thread title should be self-explanatory. Interpret it as you wish. I have heard heated debates on both sides even within my own family, friends and step-family. Research says that women tend to view their husbands as a secondary concern in general after they have kids. Men tend to view their wives as the most important relationship even after they have kids. However, I am a man that never viewed my kids as anything less than the most important relationship since they were born and I know other fathers that feel the same way so it isn’t universal.
Vote your gut feeling on this based on generalities rather than hypothetical circumstances.
While the kids are small and/or still at home they’re my first priority. Not my only priority, but my top. As the got older (my oldest is off to college now) and more able to take care of themselves and live by their decisions, the balance in the priorities shifts.
But my spouse is the one who will stay after the kids are moved out. He’s the one who I look for for partnership and emotional fulfillment. He’s my partner, and our partnership is the foundation our household.
I didn’t answer, as there is no simple answer. My outlook was different at the children’s different ages. But I would give my life for any of them at any time. That would also include my grandchildren, even though I am not close to them due to distances.
Like who to save from a burning building? Yeah, that’s the kid.
But apart from life-or-death matters, I think your spouse should come first. Like if your spouse has an advancement opportunity, but it would require your child to change schools. Barring extraordinary circumstances, I think you need to support your spouse.
This. I’m kind of a pinko commie about this, I guess. It’s not about rank or dole or fair, it’s about who needs me (or us) more at this moment. That shifts and changes, and we change to meet that need. When my husband was in the ICU, the kids knew I’d be there a lot and they better step up and help out and do without me for a bit more than normal. When one of them is having drama at school, my husband knows we’re going for Thai Food and picking an annoying movie he has no interest in. When I’m having a meltdown because work is driving me bonkers, the three of them cook dinner and lock me in the bathroom until I take a bath and chill out.
I like this. My last family wasn’t like this. Then my husband was the most important person in the group. Just ask him.
It’s hard. Kids carry the genes, so I guess you want to keep them alive. On the other hand, up until a certain age it’s easy enough to make more kids. I guess the prudent thing to do would be to make a lot of kids while you’re fertile, and then if a couple of them die off, it’s not as big of a deal.
I mean, my husband ranks higher in that he is the love of my life.
My kid, however, needs a lot more care. My husband can transport himself to work, gather his stuff together for work by himself, shower by himself, figure out his own bedtime, even rustle up his own dinner if he needs to… My child can’t do any of that stuff, or at least I don’t want her to without at least some supervision So I certainly spend a lot more time and energy on her than I do on him, and she tends to be my first priority more often because of it…
Also, let’s face it, the kid is cuter than either of us. So both of us spend a lot more time going “The Medium One did X and it was SO CUTE” than we do saying those kinds of things about each other (although to be fair the two of us are more likely to be sweet, or sexy, or wonderful, than cute, these days.)
In most jurisdictions, you can write your children out of your will, but not your wife, who must receive at least half your estate. You can disown your children by a simple declaration or any act to that effect, but you can disown your wife only through a legal dissolution such as a divorce and even then the court can award her a part of your assets…
Father here, and spouse outranks kids. Not surprising to see that I’m in the majority of fathers, while for most mothers their kids outrank their spouses.
The way I view the concept of “ranking” is this.
Should a madman hand me a gun and say “shoot your spouse or one of your kids” then there is no contest. Mrs Novelty Bobble is getting a cap in her ass.
She’d be furious if I decided any other way and the same applies were she asked to choose…I’d be (quite rightly) taken down to funky town.
So I certainly spend a lot more time and energy on her than I do on him, and she tends to be my first priority more often because of it…