Hyperenthusiastic and 16: Slightly uncoordinated but throws himself into every exercise with all the energy of youth and a bit like a puppy. But one of ours did a unemployed youth training scheme in fitness, started working in the gym, did his personal instructors course, and is about to got to Uni to study Sport Nutrition. And we are all gonna miss him when he is gone.
Mum with kids: Needs to lose some weight, and arrives for a class with kids in tow. But they sit quietly and politely for an hour with their books and games, and are well trained enough to always ask mum to take them to the toilet during the squat track (no matter when in the class the squat track occurs).
Needs attention: Attractive, slim, late 40s, fit - has to try pair up with one of the better looking older men in the class (i.e. guys my age but not me). Gets distracted easily, and makes inappropriate comments. But she is pretty ok, and you will work hard if you end up working out with her.
Fat guy working hard: very sweaty, does not like to stop for breaks, has obviously lost some weight but is still large. Does lots of classes, including inappropriate classes for a fat bloke like “Funky Fusion Dance-aerobics”. Says hello to pretty much everyone, even if he doesn’t really know them, but doesn’t really do chitchat, prefers to work out.
Oh - that’s me :smack:
Actually, I really like my gym, because it is small and friendly and no-one is that pretentious. There have been some ructions, but people tend to take everyone else at face value. It is fun, the instructors are friendly, people get exercise and someone will call if you haven’t been around for a bit.
I am surprised at how many guys I have seen over the years drying their balls with the hair dryer. Not something I see at every visit, but I’ve seen it at least once at every gym I’ve ever been a member of.
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The Talker:** Uses a cell phone in the gym. While working out. If you can talk on the phone while doing reps or on a cardio machine, you’re doing it wrong. Either exercising wrong or talking on the phone wrong, I’m not sure which. I actually saw one woman put her cell on *speakerphone *on a cardio machine so the entire room could share her conversation.
The Rack-Blocker: he pulls a barbell or set of dumbbells off the rack, backs up about 3 inches, and commences his routine, effectively blocking anyone from getting anything else off the rack. Because his routine, and only his routine, is what matters. I try to show courtesy by not interrupting a guy’s set, but when you do it all the time, fuck you, I’m going to make you move.
It’s Just Like I’m At Home: This girl comes in to the weight area and sets herself up with a mat (there are only 2), a medicine ball (there’s only 1 set) and two sets of dumbbells (there are only 2 sets of each weight), then does a very slow and long set of exercises that intermittently utilizes one of these tools. And she breaks every so often to talk on her cell phone. So if you need to use any of these items while she’s in the gym, you have to wait 30-45 minutes for your turn.
Yesterday I saw a new one that blew me away, that also fits under “I’m at home.” I got on the elliptical and did 30 minutes, and the entire time the elliptical next to me was occupied by nothing but a magazine, a bottle of water and a cell phone. When I was leaving, the owner came back from the circuit training area to pick up her stuff and de-occupy the elliptical. And then didn’t even wipe it down!!
A variation: The guy who does his 20-30 lb curls in the squat rack.
Moving Man: Despite the presence of several usable benches in the dumbbell area. he must have the bench associated with the multi-position machine across the gym. Does not put back.
Reverse Stacker: When unloading the bench press bar, places all plates on one holder, thus trapping the small plates under the large. At least he unloads unlike The Lazy Meathead.
And a similar variant to this is The Monopoly Man, who takes anywhere between 6-8 dumbbells off the rack so the he can spend the next twenty minutes cycling through them, even though he can go fifteen minutes without using half of them. It’s a busy hour at the gym, and because it’s rude to interrupt people during their set, you have people wandering through the corridors and aisles, looking at him out of the corner of their eyes. Occasionally, you’ll get the brave soul who asks TMM if he’s using all those dumbbells, to which TMM replies with a cold and unblinking stare. During which time it’s impossible to tell if he’s an asshole or just stupid.
Eventually, he’ll move onto the bench press and do the same exact thing with plates. He’ll leave temporarily, and you’ll look around, wondering, “Is he finished using the bench?” No, he’s not. He was getting a drink of water, or something. As soon as you start moving toward the machine, he roll in out of nowhere, like some kind of stupid fog, and occupies the bench again.
Ooh, I hate Monopoly Man. In the latter case, it’s hard to tell whether it was he or The Absent-Minded Benchpresser who walked off and left his water bottle/gym towel/keys/etc. on the floor next to a bench or machine.
It was that uncertainty that led to my meeting with **Needless Jerk **one day, after I came into an empty weight room and began doing presses on one of the unoccupied benches. When I finished my set, I looked up to see a scowling man sliding additional plates onto my bar. For a half-second I thought maybe he was one of the hovering personal trainers who’d swooped in to give me unsolicited help, but it turns out he was just a garden-variety Needless Jerk who had apparently been using the bench but was nowhere to be seen when I arrived. Rather than say “hey man, I was actually using this bench,” NJ decided the best approach was to wordlessly load the bar with more plates while giving me an eat-shit look. Eventually he grunted something like “this one mine,” so I at least knew what the fuck was happening. I muttered an apology which he ignored, and I moved to one of the other four empty benches.
In a just world, moments after that he would’ve dropped the bar on his neck and been flailing and hissing for help and I would’ve stood there grinning as his face turned purple and his bloodshot eyeballs popped out of his sweaty face, but I guess I don’t live in one of those.
My gym has a lot of the people already mentioned plus the following:
The stretch/workout in the locker room guy - he has already changed into his workout clothes but stays in the locker room for 10 or 15 minutes stretching or doing bench dips . I don’t know if he is enjoying the view or just finds the risk factor of stretching on tile get his heart rate up
**The spread it out guy **- there is a 12 foot bench in front of 2 dozen lockers and he’s got to use every inch of it so none of his stuff touches the ground. He’s got his bag, his shoes, his towel, his i-pod, his other shoes (?), and his water bottle spread out like he owns the place.
The I’ll use this however I want guy - see this bench press machine? I can use it to do curls; hell I can do calf exercises on a chest machine. Safety? Proper use? that’s for sissies.
and finally …
**The Fox News guy **- there’s one guy I see during my weekend workout who does time on the treadmill and Fox News has to be on right in front of him - none of the Commie News Network or MSLSD. He’ll have the guy from the front desk scanning channels until he get’s it right cause it’s fair and balanced or nothing.
Ah no, in her case it’s the pool, to do corner exercises (series of 3 reps because 5 tire her, you see).
Can we add people who work there? I love Monitor who listens, Monitor who adjusts weights according to observed results and Monitor who knows you’re not as flexible at 40 as at 20, but want to use the face of Monitor who laughs at questions as a can opener on each locker (whether it actually was locked or not).
The Mid-Life Crisis Taken Out on My Tween-age Son-Guy: These are the guys who swear they know everything there is to know about lifting weights and GETTING HUGE, and they are giving a clinic on the subject to their bean-pole thin 14-year old sons; who are innocent bystanders in these situations.
These assholes (because that is what they really are) are doing nothing more than taking out their own mid-life frustrations out on their own kids; making them do bench presses with their feet up on the bench, or telling them it’s not a proper set unless they bounce the bar off their chests.
I made the mistake of giving one of these kids a pointer one time; only to be accosted by the dad a few minutes later. He told me he “used to be” three times my size and that I should really just shut the fuck up. :rolleyes: All I was doing was giving the kid a tip on keeping himself safe and out of the hospital.
(I saw the kid about a week later without his drill-sergeant father and he told me he appreciated my advice)