My parents are in their eighties and have an appointment next week to meet with an attorney to update their wills. My mother said that she was going to ask that my brother and I be listed as executors, rather, for example, than having the lawyer do it. I think if the lawyer is appointed executor, they get a percentage of the estate as a fee. But they also take care of a lot of stuff that my brother and I probably don’t know will be needed, so perhaps it’s worth it to have the lawyer do it? Should the lawyer be listed as executor? Is it a problem for both my brother and me to be listed?
This really depends on your location and the complexity of your parents’ estate. And how well you and your brother get along.
I was co-executor with my sister when my mom died, and we had no trouble. Of course, we, as executors, hired Mom’s lawyer to help us. He advised us, filed papers for the estate, and published the call for outstanding debts in the newspaper.
The lawyer doesn’t need to be an executor to work for the estate.
If the estate has a lot of assets or will be complicated to distribute, then the process will be complicated. If the estate is simple, then you can probably do it yourself. The clearer the will is, the simpler this process will be. When I helped someone go through probate for their mom, I was actually surprised at how straighforward the state had made it. I think they know that regular people will have to deal with this and they try to make things as easy as possible.
You or your brother can always hire an attorney to help with the process. You don’t have to do it yourself. The executor can hire an attorney to do as much or as little as they need.
But one good thing about having an external executor is that it can help limit any bad feelings about the distribution of the estate. If you are the executor and your brother is unhappy about how things got divided up, he’ll be unhappy with you. Depending on the size of the estate and your relationship with each other, this may or may not be a problem you need to worry about. But if all you’re worried about is the effort or complication, I’m sure you can do it yourself. And besides, you’ll always have all of us on the SDMB to turn to for help if you need it.
That’s a good point. We get along fine now, but when there’s money involved, who knows? Plus I live at some distance from both our parents and my brother, so he’s responsible for a lot of day-to-day onsite assistance that I can’t help with, not being there. Perhaps he resents me right now for not being there? Perhaps if he doesn’t resent me now he will, when we’re trying to settle the estate? I’ve heard horror stories of siblings who stop getting along when such issues arise; I wouldn’t want that to happen to us.
So perhaps it would be best to let the lawyer manage everything? (This is in Connecticut, and a Google search indicates that there is no statutory requirement for the executor’s compensation but that it’s usually in the range of three to five percent. Perhaps that’s reasonable?)
A friend was co-executor of her mother’s estate, along with her sister. It went very poorly. I think the entire process took about 10 years and she and her sister no longer speak.
I’d like to avoid that kind of nightmare, and if that means paying a lawyer five percent of the estate, it’s worth it. (I only have one sibling so it would be nice to keep the relationship going once the parents are gone.) But perhaps your friend and her sister would still have had conflicts even if a lawyer managed the estate? Who knows?
I don’t know if this is true in all states, but there is such a thing as a professional fiduciary, who is trained to be an executor and/or trustee and/or agent (for durable powers of attorney). They are less expensive than lawyers by a fair amount, I believe, and they charge by the hour of work not by percentage of the estate. It might be worth asking your lawyer about this option.
I am in the process of executing my Mom’s estate and it is a big pain in the butt. A lawyer or some other professional may do the paperwork for you, and there is a lot, and they will probably keep you from making mistakes but you will still be searching for documents and signing confusing forms. There is no reason you cannot hire a lawyer in your capacity as executor.
I’ve managed so far without a professional, so it is possible but my siblings are cooperative and Mom kept every document she ever received, so we have records.
I would not have wanted to take on this task with a co-executor simply because there are so many places where I’ve needed prove my status as the rightful executor. Two executors at the same time would confusion the already reluctant insurance companies and banks, I would think.
In any case, now is the time to get things in order so it is not a huge pain later. Get computer passwords and lists of assets. I bought a very helpful book, can’t remember the name.
Identify any life insurance companies now because they won’t call you afterward. We called every number of every institution on her statements and we turned up a good sized life insurance policy that apparently hadn’t sent her any documentation in years. They would have been fine with just keeping the money Mom had been sending them for 40 years.
Hard feelings may come about if the will is vague and it’s up to the executor to decide who gets what. Your parents can avoid a lot of that if they are very specific and have fair ways of distributing the estate. For example: “A 50/50 split of all liquid assets. The house is to be sold and the proceeds split 50/50. Possessions to be split by having each brother in kind select an item until all items have been distributed.” A will like that is not going to have much arguing or create many hard feelings. But if instead the executor got to decide who gets the house and who gets what possessions, then it’s more likely that hard feelings will develop.
I can understand wanting to have a lawyer be the executor for simplicity, but that can end up taking a significant amount from the estate. And having a lawyer as an executor doesn’t mean there won’t be hard feelings. If the lawyer gives you something that your brother wants, he’s still going to have hard feelings that you took it. To avoid these complications, it’s more important to have a clear will than to have a lawyer as an executor.
I can give you a little advice from the sibling who had to take care of my mother and had a sister living out of town. Say “thank you” often. And when your brother is having a particularly bad time of it (and it will happen as your parents get older), offer as much emotional support as you can. Ask how he is doing and if there is anything you can do to help him. My sister for some reason is incapable of understanding this simple thing. Hopefully, my mother’s house will be sold soon and funds distributed. I honestly believe that the last time I will ever see my sister was at my mother’s funeral. And growing up, I never would have believed this would happen.
One co-executor doing more that the other has been brought up. There were reasons that we were co-executors even though my sister has MS and couldn’t travel much. She made sure, because I was doing the running around and phoning and mailing things and keeping lists, to tell me to take the executor’s fee. The executor’s fee doesn’t have to go to a professional. If one or more of the heirs is acting as executor, they qualify for the fee. It can be split however the co-executors (or heirs) decide.
Although Mom had two co-executors, she had three daughters. Some details, and the final list of disbursements, had to be signed by all three of us. One of the details was who got two of her vehicles. The biggest time sink was emptying her house and: 1) making hundreds of trips to the dump and 2) hitting the local flea market dozens of times to sell stuff. Two of the grandkids spent months doing that, so they got: 1) their groceries paid for by the estate while they were there and 2) a vehicle each. They kept receipts for the groceries.
Since neither of the grandkids were heirs, all of the heirs had to agree to essentially make a change in the will. We were all glad that they were able to step up because I live in California, my co-executor sister lives in New York, my other sister lives in Louisiana, and my Mom was a resident of Idaho.
As long as the heirs agree, pretty much anything can be worked out.
My friend and his brother were co-executors when their father died. From that day to this, they have hated each other and haven’t spoken in ten years. If there are two executors, who breaks the tie?
Do not have you and your brother as co-executors under any circumstances, in addition to any personal problems that come up, you have the risk of one blocking any action at all if both are required to act.
A 2nd person can be named as a contingent executor in case the 1st is unable or unwilling to serve.
What matters most is how clear the wills and any other documents are.
I suppose a lawyer CAN charge a % of the estate, but that doesn’t sound normal to me and I would never use one that did that, they should charge for the time spent.
If there’s a lot of money involved, it’s not that bad an idea to have the attorney be the executor, especially if you are not good at accounting. You will save some money by having yourself named and using a lawyer for consultation.
I am executor of my mother’s estate, I have two siblings. Her estate was relatively uncomplicated, nothing but hard financial assets, all in a trust and retirement accounts. They all could be distributed outside of probate. And the will was specific about how expenses should be allocated among the heirs. I get along fine with my siblings and they trust me, but there were still a few semi-tense conversations because in these situations everybody has their guard up and is getting fed advice from bystanders.
I had to file probate because it was necessary to be named personal representative for purposes of filing taxes.
I researched the probate process and then got a free consultation with a lawyer to make sure I had it right. I did make a minor mistake and had to re-file a couple of forms, but overall it wasn’t bad.
But that’s with a totally air-tight estate plan.
My mother had my brother as executor along with her solicitor, then after a serious rift between them, she switched it to me and the solicitor. She said afterwards that she wouldn’t have us both as executors because she knew my brother’s attitude to money and she no longer trusted him.
After her death in January, the solicitor handled all the paperwork for me and all I had to do was provide documents, sign things when required, and deal with the utility companies and local council when I cleared her flat. The estate isn’t settled yet but I know it’ll get done properly even if it results in a big fee. Sometimes it’s just worth it to pay a professional!
Speaking from 35 years experience as a lawyer and judge, one thing many (most?) lawyers excel at is billing. If you want the lawyer/executor to have that much say over how much they skim off the estate, good luck. Hope you find the ethical one! 
I’d suggest a single executor over co-. Sure, it is possible siblings could work seamlessly, but other than divorce, I can’t think of a situation in which ostensibly close people have acted shittier towards each other than WRT estates and inheritance.
I’d suggest naming as executor whomever has the best aptitude for handling detailed financial/legal matters, with secondary consideration of whomever is physically closest to the parent, her records, her backs/advisors/etc.
I’d urge your parents to be as clear as possible in written documents as to how she wishes her estate handled. If they wished, they could place much/all of their property in trust, avoiding most probate hassles. Your parents can do A LOT to consolidate their investments and such, to make their estate MUCH simpler to settle. In MOST cases, a difficult estate is the fault of the deceased.
Personally, start reaffirming the attitude that YOU are not going to be the asshole who gets upset over petty shit.
My wife is a retired estate attorney. What Dinsdale just said.
Having co-execs is risky and probably unnecessary. Having the attorney be the exec is unnecessary and expensive. Having a/the attorney assist the exec is very valuable. Having wills, etc., is nice. Having them done well and having the parents simplify the estate before it matures is priceless.
You mention they are both alive. Absent colossal bad luck that means one will die before the other. Planning for that interim period, perhaps several years’ worth, is also essential. A comprehensive plan, perhaps involving a trust if there’s enough money to matter, is the best way to go.
Regardless of all the paperwork, now is the time for you and your bro, and any other involved persons, e.g. your respective spouses, to begin talking about the practicalities of what happens after the first & the second death.
IME most of the really ugly problems come from survivors who silently assume the other person will do X, then are horrified when they do Y instead. Many of the survivors’ decisions that matter will be made in a fog of grief & confusion. Nobody will be at their best. Better to talk that stuff out now while it’s mostly theoretical. You may even discover a problem that Mom or Dad can easily forestall now.
When my mother died (age 98 and the last parent) my sister and I were co-executors. She and I have never been close, nor are we now, but our mother spelled out clearly, who got what with my sister and I sharing the rest 50/50 and all went well.
Perhaps it’s worth a chunk of the estate to have the lawyer be the subject of any animosity, rather than each other? I’m also going to tell my mother that I’m fine if she lists my brother as sole executor, if he is willing.
Very valid idea - especially if you think you and other heirs are likely to disagree strongly. I tend to be of the perspective that many/most relatively simple transactions don’t require much in the way of lawyering. In many such situations, a lawyer is essentially taking a cut while providing little benefit.
Some lawyers are wonderfully upstanding professionals. Others are money grabbing whores. Good luck on finding the former rather than the latter.
Good that your 'rents are thinking about this new - should be able to save considerable stress/$ later.
It depends on how the people get along.
My wife was co-executor of her parents’ estate, and I was co-executor of mine. It all went quite smoothly. We did have a lawyer, though, since there were many things we didn’t know.