This happened in our family: my dad’s mom’s estate was pretty modest. However, her other two children had done some back of the envelope calculations and decided that it was “probably” about twice what it really was. They were (and the living one probably still is) convinced my dad “stole” that half. By the time the actual details of the estate came out, they felt so entitled to money that just didn’t exist that they literally couldn’t believe it. I have always suspected they’d already borrowed against it. The upshot of all this was that lawyers got a big chunk of what there was, and my dad never talked to them again.
So stakeholders should have some idea of the relative size of the estate, and know if it changes significantly. For example, a large part of my mom’s mom’s estate was drained the last few years of her life ( and it was worth every penny to have her comfortable). The exact details were widely known by the kids, so there was no shock when the estate was settled.
It’s interesting to read how the variety of experiences everyone has had.
My mother had all her assets in trust. Her four children and her six grandchildren were heirs. My brother and I were co-executors. It worked remarkably well.
We lived near the same city and were getting together once a week anyway to have dinner and play trivia, so any estate business happened on trivia night. Since Mom’s estate was in a trust, there was no probate to deal with. There were some papers to sign, but those were provided by her financial advisor; the estate wasn’t complicated enough to require an attorney. We did have to file a tax return for the estate – we used an accountant.
Mom didn’t have a lot of material possessions to deal with. A couple of years before she died she made a long-distance move to a senior home near my brother and me. Pretty much anything that could be considered a family heirloom was dealt with then. When she died, there was very little anyone really wanted – we gave her furniture to a young couple who needed it, and donated just about everything else to St. Vincent de Paul’s. (Mom was a very devout Catholic and we all agreed she would have been very happy with this arrangement.)
Mom had also donated her body to science. I helped her with the required paperwork for that. Therefore there was no funeral to deal with, but we did have a couple of memorial services paid for out of the estate and my siblings and I agreed on the details.
I think I did probably 90% of what work there was (and that wasn’t much) in settling the estate. I was fine with this, but I was also very grateful my brother was co-executor. It was nice when there was a decision to be made that I had someone to discuss it with and to help with the decision.
Now, if you want a horror story on how settling an estate can go bad, ask me about my mother-in-law’s estate.
Telling your mother that is a good idea. She may be making you co-executors so that it looks like she’s not favoring one of you over the other, and that’s not necessarily a good reason.
We ended up with co-executors because my mother hadn’t updated her will. She had named her husband (deceased) as executor and my sister (now with MS) as executor if he was no longer available. Adding me as a co-executor was easier than naming a completely new executor, although it was the first thing that all three heirs had to agree to in writing.
You can help your brother without being a formal executor. And you could be named as executor if your brother is unable to perform the job. Some wills have a list of three or more proposed executors, to be gone through successively until you hit someone willing and able to do the job.
One thing your mother is doing right is letting you and your brother know the details ahead of time. Sometimes the named executor is a surprise to everyone. Not a good idea.
You can’t just leave us hanging like this? Yes, I’m asking about your MIL’s estate
But really, I want to thank everyone for posting their experiences. My parents are also setting up all this right now, and it’s been very interesting and useful to read the different takes on it. (Right now my sister and I are listed as co-executors.)
This is probably exactly the reason she is doing it.
My mother had the sense to realize that my brother would go all Sheldon Cooper over being the executor of her estate, and I am bad at math. I had maybe two seconds of “Why him?” (there’s a history of “she likes him better,” but nevermind), before it dawned on me that I really didn’t want to do it, and I just got very lucky.
There’s still tons of work when someone, especially your second parent dies, so it wasn’t like it was a vacation for me, and he did everything. I was the one who went out to the house and helped my stepfather go through all her stuff.
And there was some paperwork and bank work I did, because there was a branch of her bank in my state, but not in my brother’s.
There was planning the funeral, the shiva, the memorial…the one who is not the executor does not get left out.
When she first died, and my brother and I had a meeting with her lawyer, we looked at each other, and agreed not to argue about anything, and we didn’t. We are closer than ever right now.
Now my mother is telling me that she wants to write out her biography and that of my father. She tends not to follow through but if she does this, it will make the obituaries easier. (In case you’re wondering, this was all driven by a sudden, surprising death in the extended family.)
That’s another thing that people should do to make life easier for their survivors, along with talking about what funeral arrangements are desired.
We got lucky with the bio. One of my nieces had been given a school assignment to interview an older relative and write a report. The assignment came with a list of questions to ask. We ended up cribbing from it. I’ll see if I can guess at the questions.
My own personal experience with my father, both with power of attorney before his death and settling his estate/trust after: put one name down. Maybe an alternate or deputy in case the first can’t serve, but don’t put both.
My brother and I handled things jointly. Everything was amicable. The documents were worded so that either one of us, acting together or independently, had the authority to do whatever. The idea being that we could divide the effort and be efficient.
Bad idea - even though the language was pretty clear, every drone at the bank, the insurance company, the pension fund, the vehicle licensing agency, would see two names on the document and insist that both of us had to sign (and, usually, be notarized). Even when we pointed out the language, they wanted both signatures. Instead of an effort divided, it was an effort doubled.
Maybe different wording in the documents would have helped, but I doubt it. Better to go with one person (or legal entity, or attorney) to avoid the hassle.
Yeah but what if the will isn’t vague, but the executor is corrupt and the executor is also a beneficiary (one of several beneficiaries)? How hard is it to solve the problem when that happens?
Will a probate bond protect the other beneficiaries from a corrupt executor?
In your experience what happens in the following situation?
The will is written and says that all assets are to be distributed equally. However the executor is corrupt and talked the parents into cosigning their mortgage while the parents were alive. Can the executor then pull funds from the estate to pay off their own mortgage since the debt is in the name of the parents?
Can the executor say ‘well our parents bought so and so a car thirty years ago, so I should be able to pull 20k from his share and keep it for myself’
I believe there is the possibility of legal challenges to executor action one considers corrupt, but I offer no specific advice.
Both situations you suggest COULD be interpreted simply as parents treating children differently. If the parents are stupid enough to co-sign a mortgage w/ the executor without making any other provisions, well, that would depend on the specific wording of various documents, and the willingness of a court to go along with the executor’s interpretation.
Re: the 2d example, I can’t imagine an executor being allowed to redress what he/she perceives as historical inequities through the estate. I would consider the executor action you describe highly suspect.
But I am NO EXPERT in stiffs and gifts (estate law). Nor do I know the specific implications of the mortgage situation you describe. I suspect it might vary by jurisdiction.
