My wife and I waited until we could afford to pay for everything, just so we could tell everyone who wanted a say in the matter to go F*** themselves.
Of course, when we were ready to get married, we ended up delegating everything anyway 
I’m a strong advocate of the bride and groom paying for their own nuptials.
My step-son and his fiance decided to marry last fall. They are in their mid 20’s and had been living together for two years before the wedding.
As it turned out, both his dad and I were unemployed when they were in the early stages of planning. My step-son had the f*cking nerve to call and ask how much his dad and I would be contributing to the wedding…
We ultimately paid for the rehearsal dinner; however, had I given it more thought, I would have likely not done that either. We found out later that his bride’s family paid for the rest of the wedding. :rolleyes:
In this millenium, there is absolutely no reason that two grown-ups can’t pay for their own damn wedding. Other than playing one-up-man-ship with the Jones’s, I can’t even fathom why a parent would think they would be responsible for paying for their child’s wedding.
I think it’s really up to the families involved. It’s kind of crappy to be telling other people how to deal with their own family finances, isn’t it?
I think Obsidian handled her situation like a champ. My parents tend to push me to do things THEY want for me to have now that I have my own place. They push to the point of nagging. My only answer for them anymore is that if they really want me to have it they can pay for it.
In some families, kids grow up with the idea that their folks will pay for their weddings. In some families, the kids would not dream of asking. In some families, the kids might be pleasantly surprised when their parents offer to pony up.
Look at Obsidian’s situation - she may have grown up thinking her folks might pay for her wedding because, face it, a lot of girls do grow up with that notion. She probably didn’t plan on falling in love with a guy who’s family wasn’t as well-off as hers. Hell, his family may have told him years ago that they would pay for his wedding but when the time came the reality was that they couldn’t. Obsidian made the right choice for her situation - the couple will pay for what they want and can afford. Anything that anyone else wants and can afford can be paid by them.
You can’t put all the blame on snotty young people - look at how her parents ended up being the snotty old people! 
Plan for your kids’ future weddings how it best suits you. Don’t base what you think “needs” to be done off of anyone’s situations but yours, and base it on the situation as it unfolds, not how you predict it.
Hey, thanks!
People in my family tend to have big, expensive (also: gaudy) weddings. Maybe it’s a Italian thing. I’d always assumed my parents would pay for my own big, gaudy, Jersey wedding. I also thought I’d get married right after college like my parents. Certainly the future investment banker I was dating in college would have gone for the big expensive thing. His parents would have thrown a five-figure rehearsal dinner, without a doubt. I’d have a German SUV, a big house in Chatham, and a diamond too big for my hand.
But here I am in California, with a handed-down ring and a cop with a jeep. As long as we’re married at the end of the day, I’ll be happy. We’ll never have a mansion-- hell, in this market we’ll be lucky to have a condo. I’d be happy to get married on a boat in the middle of Lake Tahoe, in sunglasses and bare feet. My wedding was originally scheduled back east, seemed like a vestigial remnant of a life I no longer have, and never would have made me happy.
Don’t commend me too much. I’ve wielded my “I’ll just do it myself” like a club sometimes, to make sure what my fiance and I want actually happens. My parents know that I could (and would) do without their guest list, and their money, nice though it is, is not worth being railroaded into a wedding out of The Godfather.
Who should pay for a wedding?
Whoever wants to?
Or maybe whoever wants to, who is willing to let the marrying couple make the decisions.
In other words, I think all rules are off on this one. If you can afford it and want to do it, fine, otherwise don’t.
Agreed with this - I think the couple should pay, with no expectations on the parents, and let the parents chip in what they want to and are able to.
I didn’t ask my mother for a thing; besides not thinking it was polite, she’s also poor. She ended up sewing my maid-of-honor sister’s dress on her sewing machine (I had the bridesmaids figure the dresses out among themselves, and they opted to buy fabric and sew), and paying for her dress, a present, and the gas to drive the couple hours here. My inlaws weren’t going to spend anything, but ended up being frustrated with the lack of input on the wedding - my husband reminded them of the “Oh, by the way - she’s not our daughter so I’m not paying anything” “… Fine, you don’t get any input” “Fine” previous discussion, and they ended up paying for the sparkling wine for the toast, cake, flowers, and rehearsal dinner. (We did suggest the wine, and my MIL got my flower ideas and bought those.) We spent about $5000 for 100 guests. I would have been thrilled with eloping, but a full wedding was expected, mostly by his side. Plus most families these days seem to expect a post-elopement reception, and those cost nearly as much as a full wedding.
It’s always touchy because every-one has different ideas about what is customary for whom to pay for what. For example, my MIL insisted that everything be done in a very traditional English fashion which in my understanding meant that the groom’s family paid for the church fees, flowers and bridal cars and the bride’s family paid for everything else. However in her understanding it meant that the bride’s family paid for everything. We waited an appropriate amount of time for an offer to come in (my parents were quite capable of paying for the lot but I was kind of peeved at the attitude) however none eventuated so husband and I eventually brought up the subject by suggesting perhaps that MIL might prefer the modern convention of paying the bar tab rather than for the traditional things?
Big Mistake.
MIL first got huffy then morphed into Milzilla. And by this I mean she:
a) waited until every-one in the church was seated (she pushed my mother into the church and demanded she sit down) then grabbed a random suited guy and made him escort her down the aisle. She gave the royal handwave the whole way. I have video.
b) refused to allow the us to sign papers in the vestry without her (it was an old-fashioned church with a seperate vestry) despite having it explained to her that the room was very small and only the bride, groom, priest and witnesses would be going in and that we had had the rehearsal already and that it was only a day before the wedding and too late to change anything and my mother recognising trouble and having a word with the priest on the day (I should have realised something was up when the priest said in a an exasperated tone, “those who want to come into the vestry come, those who don’t, don’t” Yuhuh. MIL had had a word with him too). Naturally, MIL shot out of her seat and did the Chariots of Fire dash to the vestry door the moment it was announced. I have video. And I have pics of no less than fourteen people in a tiny room as my bridal party and parents thought it seemed a bit strange that only MIL was in there sigh
c) MIL decided that she was going to walk back down the aisle arm in arm with my father. Now I realise that this is customary at some large or formal weddings but it wasn’t what we had planned or rehearsed. It kind of wouldn’t have been a problem except for her insisting that she needed to be the first one to give me a lucky farking horseshoe (FIRST GODDAMIT FIRST!!). Much to her horror she discovered that it is common in Australia for guests to present brides with lucky horseshoe thingys as they retreat back down the aisle and OMG HOW WAS SHE GOING TO DO THAT IF SHE WAS WALKING BEHIND ME HANGING OFF MY FATHER’S ARM I MUST RING EVERY SINGLE GUEST AND DEMAND THAT THEY WITHHOLD LUCKY HORSESHOES UNTIL WE WERE OUTSIDE. EVERY SINGLE GUEST. ONE DAY PRIOR TO WEDDING. Yes, I have a pic of her presenting me with my lucky horseshoe. She actually bailed up the official photographer and made him take one.
So. The moral of the story? Those who pay (maybe you in this instance) probably expect some input into the wedding. Establish pretty clearly what’s expected input and and outlay wise and avoid fourteen years of boiling resentment which can only ever end with two grown women threatening each other with Le Creuset skillets, soap powder and toasting forks.
I agree.
Unless you’re stuck in a medieval time warp, in which case the bride’s family has to cough up the chattel. Or drown their daughters at birth.
We have 3 kids, 2 girls and 1 boy. We plan on doing what my parents did - give each of our kids a set amount for a wedding present. I dunno how much. $10K? $20K? More or less? But the thing is, each kid will get to decide how much of it they want to spend on a wedding, as opposed to saving for a house, travel, or whatever. And whenever the first kid gets married, we’ll probably give similar amounts to the other 2. No reason we should give our kids a bonus just because they decided to get married, or got married earlier.
There is NO WAY we would foot the tab for a $20K or more wedding. Just not something we would agree to spend that much money on. If they happen to marry someone who is rich and wishes to foot the bill for a lavish party, more power to them. And if they are stupid enough to go into debt to finance a big blowout, I’ll be disappointed.
I guess I am more into carrying onthe tradition than most that have replied. I think it is my responsibility to pay for my daughter’s wedding and it is my son’s bride’s parents to do the same. I will cover the rehearsal dinner in the latter and in the former, allow a certain budget depending on what I can afford at the time. Anything greater, obviously they can save up to pay for.
As a matter of fact, I look forward to giving my daughter a nice wedding. That is the way it has been done in my family for several generations and I think it is a wonderful tradition.
So what will you do if when you son wants to get married his fiance’s parents don’t want to pay for the wedding?
When we got married last year my folks helped out financially, but my in-laws were able to provide logistical support on the day and the weeks before.
Calculated on a per-hour basis, I imagine the fetching, carrying, driving etc from my in-laws worked out the same as what my parents contributed.
Whatever you do, try to keep everything in perspective. The most important parts of the day don’t cost anything at all.
My grandparents got married in 1940, and I don’t think their reception cost more than thirty-five dollars. They were married until his death in 1990. Conversely, my brother and his first wife spent several thousand dollars on their wedding, and were divorced within a few years.
I’ll agree with this but add,
No one should ever be expected to finance any part of a wedding that they don’t want to pay for.
Just becuase you love tradition and want to pay for your daughters big day, don’t expect your future son-in-laws parents to pony up for his wedding.
They aren’t being cheap, they just have different priorities.
Another vote for the couple having the first obligation. If the parents are willing to shell out then fine, but nobody but the two getting married are actually obligated to pay anything. In my opinion that should also include any travel expenses and wasteful garbage like bridesmaid dresses. No guest should be expected to pay a cent.
Wait, you think that a person who must travel to the wedding should not be invited unless the wedding-throwers can afford to pay their travel costs?
Or rather, that no one should be made to feel obligated to pay to travel to a wedding if they can’t afford it/don’t choose to.
I agree with the second statement, but not the first. I also agree that parents are not obligated to pay for the wedding. If they want to contribute and are able, neat.
The latter. I’m thinking especially of situations like when couples decide to have their weddings in Hawaii or Barbados or something and expect everyone to cough up hundreds or thousands of dollars to travel there and attend.
I think the expectation is that most people won’t go. Think of it as elopement-lite.
My other brother did this, and had a local reception for folks who couldn’t go to Vegas.
Oh, agreed. “Destination weddings” where the wedding-throwers cannot afford to pay everyone’s travel costs are Tack-AY.
Edited to add: the thing where you have a really small wedding at a destination, then invite the rest of the people to a reception party that is local or at least reachable at a reasonable cost, is not tacky.
Actually, I think the expectation is that most people won’t go… but WILL feel obligated to send gifts since they got an invite. If you truly want an “elopement lite” don’t send invites to 200 people, that’s just trolling for gifts.