Whoa, yeah, he's the Bank Man.

The BBQ Pit
1

What I’d give for my former life. A simple one, untainted by corporate insanity, those halcyon days when I didn’t know it cost TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A BANK CHEQUE.

Hmmm, let’s see. I want to go to the Australia and New Zealand Bank, popularly called ANZ by some, and Money-Grubbing Cockmongers by others. With a jaunty grin on the teller’s face, I’m informed it costs TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A BANK CHEQUE.

Whoa, Nelly. Slow the fuck down.

It costs me twenty dollars to convert money into other money?
Okay, fine, I’m not asking you to give change for fifty to me, it’s slightly more complex. But is your prompt service with a smile really worth TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS - FOR A BANK CHEQUE?
What do you have to do that’s so hard? I don’t want you to SWIM TO AUCKLAND to get it or anything. You don’t need to GOLDPLATE AND STUD WITH DIAMONDS that cheque, lady. You just need to convert $AU into $NZ. That’s it.

Am I missing some intangible, invaluable service? Duh - me check exchange rate. Duh - me write on cheque. Duh - me give cheque to satisfied customer. But shit no, it doesn’t work that way. Or rather, it does - but I’m charged $20 for it. YOU COULD DO THAT SHIT FOR FREE YOU FUCKERS.

Okay, so you say that might set a bad precedent where all these long-haired hippies come in asking for Nepalese coins to impress Rachel Pantyankles at the Starbucks, and then recieve these girly-impressing coins for “free”. OR YOU COULD PULL YOUR THUMB OUT OF YOUR ASS AND REALISE THAT WHAT’S TRUE FOR THE INDIVIDUAL DOESN’T HOLD TRUE FOR THE GROUP. I’m sure this can be expressed more concisely in Latin, but I only took it for 3 years and can’t remember shit.

Like I said: for free. You know why? Because you’re not really DOING SHIT. I can only conclude that due to fluctuating exchange rates, the only way for a bank to get a profit from some kid who wants New Zealand dollars instead of Australian dollars, is to charge them TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A BANK CHEQUE. This is bullshit, I insist. Am I paying $20 for the knowledge that the company that recieves it knows it’s good? Well they’d fucking better know I’m good for it, I can clearly afford to toss $20 out the window just to get something WRITTEN in a different currency. I didn’t need foreign money, and I didn’t need a kick in the teeth either, thanks. GAARRRGH.

Question to end rant: is my rage justified? Answers in the affirmative are more than welcome. Anyone hell-bent on grounding me to reality, and saying “well shucks kid, that’s just the way it is” is less welcome, but go ahead anyway. Anyone who wants to tell me this excessive charge is fine and I should put up with it can get fucked and I’ll see you again Tuesday when I put in a deposit at your bank, HOPE YOU DON’T FUCKING CHARGE ME EIGHTY DOLLARS TO DO IT.
Abridged, American version: ~$10 for one them goddamn bank checks. I am outraged.

2

Umm, Stoopid American checking in… I can get my BANK to send a CHECK to anyone I owe money to, I can even do it myself.

I’m missing something, right?

3

Darth – think “Money Order” That’s what we call 'em in Canada, if I understand the concept.

::resisting urge to mock your “simplified spelling” version of “cheque”:::

::failing miserably::

4

Ummmmm.

You can send Australian cheques to New Zealand where they will be cashed and converted to NZ dollars with no fees. I pay my NZ credit card this way all the time. My mother used to send me cheques when I lived in NZ and there were never any fees.

It doesn’t work the other way though. Try and cash NZ cheques or change money and they charge like fucking bastards. We get paid by NZ cheques twice a year because our fucking publisher is too fucking stupid to manage to transfer the royalties to their Australian counterpart and pay by one Australian cheque and the cheapest way I found was to keep the NZ credit card open and send the cheques there.

5

J_kat_251 lamented:

Yes. They should do it for free. In fact, they should pay you to allow them to process checks for you. They should do your house cleaning and laundry as well. And they should give you massages and tuck you in at night. Unlike yours, their lives are unimportant, and their time and labor are worthless.

6

Rubbish, Lib. If I can send a personal cheque to NZ for nothing and have it converted, why should it cost $20 to get the Australian bank to write one? I don’t think anyone sane is gonna bitch about a small fee but $20?

The fees for converting money in Australia are fucking insane. My MIL persists in sending tiny amounts which it costs too much to convert to make it worthwhile.

And how the fuck do you get to the bank workers lives being unimportant? You don’t think they get to take the fees home do you?

7

Well, find another bank. And how the hell do you think workers get paid, by philanthropists?

8

Ah yes. Of course! Bank fees are how banks make all their money and therefore pay their workers. If it weren’t for bank fees, every single bank in the world would go under, and employees would starve. THANK FUCKING CHRIST FOR BANK FEES. It’s not like they invest or anything like that. You fucking mug.

I do have a problem with ridiculously high bank fees. Is this going be a problem for our impending marriage? I can handle your 4-pound-a-day crack-smoking habit, but telling me I’m wrong is a little like saying “I like teh homo” to Fred Phelps.

9

I haven’t used or trusted ANZ since they ripped off 800 bucks from my account. And when you’re 12 that’s a lot of money.

10

The thing that pisses me off (and is something all banks do) is that they’re all open from 10-2 for my conveniance.

11

ANZ is one of the least pleasant aspects of overseas bank ownership here in New Zealand. They bought out the old Post Office Savings Bank, where a lot of pensioners and beneficiaries had their pittances, and now run riot with the fees an’ such.

I’m with 'em myself, but it grates like anything when I see the bank fees deducted with monthly aplomb. Consumer Magazine, I believe, rated them as one of the worst banks, if not the worst bank in NZ for fees.

BUT, their staff here are excellent. The banks could do with some work regarding queues, but it’s tolerable. Their bank cheque charges are, tho’, a major put-off.

sigh I’m stuck with 'em. :frowning:

12

I’m reminded of a story.

I used to work for a large wholesale distribution firm. Its management was so inept that, over time, it began to teeter on bankruptcy, and was eventually bought out by a turnaround artist who smelled the blood.

This new man was starkly different from the old president, who now was relegated to a golden parachute status of archaic monkey with nice office.

The old president had hosted division manager meetings at a posh local country club. The new man decided to host them at corporate headquarters in the board room. The old president served breakfast and lunch buffets. The new man served water and air conditioning.

The old president had often told his salesmen to “get the order”, no matter what the profit level. “After all,” he reasoned, “which would you rather have, ten percent of a dollar, or a hundred percent of nothing.”

The morning of our first DM meeting, the new man closed the door at 10:00 AM. “Gentlemen,” he declared, “it’s ten o’clock.”

Two managers who were late, one by five minutes and the other by half-an-hour, were dismissed. We weren’t long into the meeting before we realized that this definitely would not be business as usual.

The new man preached, “Profit margin!” He preached it for about an hour, when suddenly, there was a tap at the door.

“We’re having a meeting,” he said toward the door, and continued his sermon.

The door opened slightly, and his lovely secretary peeked inside. “I have some coffee ready.”

He gave her a look of incredulous scorn. “Do you speak English?” he bellowed, “We’re having a damn meeting!”

She blinked. “Should I order lunch?”

He slammed his fist onto the table and turned visibly red. “Lunch is for sissies!” he shouted. “Get the hell outta here!”

We looked at one another with stolen glances as his secretary quietly closed the door, knowing that happy days definitely were not here again.

The new man turned back to us and said, “Now listen to me, dammit. We’re bringing our profit margin up to 28%. That’s the industry standard that’s necessary to cover inventory and operating costs. I will fry the manager of any branch who comes in with a profit less than 28%.”

The old president, languishing at the far end of the room, heretofore silent and almost invisible, finally looked up. “But what if they can’t get the order for 28%?”

The new man eyed him with an intense glare. He spoke slowly, as though trying to muster a respectful tone, even though his teeth were clinched. “Then turn the order down.”

“Well,” said the old president with his patented cracked lip smile, “which would you rather have, 10% of a dollar or 28% of nothing.”

All eyes turned instantly to the new man. How would he possibly counter this wisdom, taught to us and handed down for generations?

He glared at the old president. Steam came out of his nose. He opened his mouth, and a heat wave billowed down the long oak table.

“Hell, I’d much rather have 28% of nothing!” he screamed. “I can get 10% in a fucking mutual fund! And then I wouldn’t have to put up with shit from you stupid fucks! Hell, I’m paying you a hundred grand a year plus perks just to sit around here and occupy space. You want me to fire you and drop it to 27-1/2%?”

Thus ended the wisdom of the ages, and a new wisdom was born.

13

Sounds like Glengarry Glenross. What a swell place to work!

Seriously, There’s a balance between “profit first and fuck everything else”, and “fat dumb and happy”.

Because of the ineptitude of most banks at doing the business they are suposed to be doing, like investing, they now make up the difference by gouging the very people whose funds they use.

Banks are only slightly above insurance companies at the bottom of the food chain.

14

Lib, do you think that there is a bank out there that wont try to screw every last penny they can out of you?

15

So long as they initiate no force or fraud, I cheer whatever they might do to increase their profits.

16

Isn’t this the perfect opportunity to move to another bank. If Australia is still a competitive capitalist economy surely there should be more aggressive banks with lower fees available.

17

Yup, that’s what I did when the Royal Bank attempted to screw me over. I moved to the TD Bank which is somewhat less vulgar in attempting to screw me over.

18

I give thanks for my credit union daily. Do they have them down under?

19

Cool! :: rubbing hands :: So? Where’s the evidence? I’m so looking forward to finally seeing some real, hard facts here rather than some dumb shit parroting moronic prejudice about a subject they know less than nothing about. Whaddya got? Internal reports that demonstrate horrible waste? Details of horrible mistakes that cost billions of dollars? Evidence of a conspiracy to defraud the masses of people that are forced at gunpoint to use their services?

Woohoo.

20

" Evidence of a conspiracy to defraud the masses of people that are forced at gunpoint to use their services?"

While it’s not at gunpoint, I can’t hold a job without a bank account. I’d much prefer to just get handed the cash so I could lock it in a safe at home or something, but no job that I can currently get will go out of their way to pay me like that.

I really, really hate ANZ. So I switched banks. I’d rather not use one at all.