Whoever Came Up With The Concept Of Using Golf Umbrellas In Urban Settings: F.O.A.D.

Supposedly, lightning is the biggest hazard during a rainstorm – not having your eyeballs ripped from their sockets by sidewalk SUVs.

Times have changed. For the past half dozen or so years, the ratio of conventional rain gear to golf umbrellas has continued to skew away from the side of sanity. Short of writing this worthless mini-rant, I’m helpless in either comprehending, avoiding or eliminating the wholesale use of these god-damned, Titleist & Big Bertha brand umbrellas on city sidewalks. I’ve been smacked upside the head 500x too often by these insensitive ombrophobiacs. My most recent wound is a decent sized, horizontal wound across my neck.

Over-sized umbrellas have become a far bigger nuisance than a category 5 hurricane.

Logic dictates you don’t need a 4’6" diameter umbrella to keep the rain off you. Where the fuck is your common sense and respect for other people’s space? This ‘dry at any price’ trend was started by the insanely obese, but now it’s trickled down to normal sized people…and even slight women. Provided they could assure other people their vision was safe, I could almost excuse the plus-sized brigade for requiring more rain protection.

Essentially, I’d like to hear one reasonable explanation as to why so many people feel this need to hold what amounts to King Arthur’s round table over their head the moment it starts raining.

Trust me on this people, unless you’re so wide-bodied you take up the whole sidewalk - or are part of a herd of beluga whales, walruses or manatees - there’s absolutely no reason one of these unobtrusive dome umbrellas won’t suffice. That style has a diameter of 28". That’s plenty of room to squeeze your fat heads under.

Has this ‘bigger the better’ rain protection trend spread to all corners of the globe?

I seriously doubt golf-loving Americans imported the idea of using goliath-sized umbrellas from London or Tokyo. There’s a slim chance it originated in Paris or Munich, where there’s a sizable percentage of self-centered people, but I’m sticking with my initial hunch: this is another inane cultural phenomenon invented somewhere between Shinnecock Hills & Pebble Beach. Whether it started in New York City, or some other U.S. metropolitan center is left to sociologists to decide. It’s possible golf umbrellas were first used in Seattle, where protection from the elements might trump the risk of scratching the corneas of their fellow residents. Or maybe some shit for brains Texan was the first to attempt simulating a solar eclipse during a rainstorm; from their perspective, everything that’s bigger is better. I doubt it’s LA, their climate’s too dry and Los Angelinos aren’t exactly renowned for their original concepts.

Something tells me this trend is going to get worse.

Are 54" diameter umbrellas going to be deemed inadequate by the middle of the next decade? These annoying umbrellas for 2 started popping up a few years after the advent of the urban golf umbrella. They’re fine for a stroll down some remote lover’s lane - but shouldn’t be allowed to be brought within a 5 mile vicinity of any city or town that has paved sidewalks. How long until some clueless retard starts carrying a beach or patio umbrella with them on overcast days?

Complaints like this are bound to fall on deaf ears. Perhaps I should just wear safety goggles or pick up a galvanized a suit of armor.

Concern for others gradually washes away with each subsequent rain storm. I implore the users of these monstrous umbrellas to keep them off public sidewalks and leave them at home in their golf bags. Trust me, just because the local weather forecaster predicts rain like cats and dogs doesn’t literally mean you need overhead protection from falling pets. Please, I implore you, put on a poncho, raincoat, galoshes, waders, hefty bag or vinyl tarpaulin for all I care…but stop poking, scratching and slamming into the faces of innocent by-passers with your sidewalk SUVS.

Thank you.

Golf umbrellas are the Hummers of urban rain protection.

I like it!

As modern art, that is. For use as an actual umbrella it just screams entitlement.

B-O-O H-O-O. Cry me a frickin’ river. I like my big umbrella. It keeps my feet dry. If it’s raining in the morning when I walk in to work and I didn’t have my big umbrella then my feet would be wet all day, not a pleasant experience. Plus, if a friend forgot their umbrella, and I have my big one, I can fit them under it as well.

Few people want to spent a lot of time walking in the rain, so the bigger the unbrella, the further and faster they will fly, and the sooner they will land at home.

Why the fuck don’t you watch where you’re going?

Yeah. I say this as someone who has a normal smallish umbrella: I HATE it. Sure, my head stays dry, but if there’s any wind (which there usually is when it rains here), then I still get wet from the waist down. Creative angling of the umbrella can turn that to only getting wet from the thighs down. Ugh.

I prefer the urban sombrero, myself. Can you still order them from Peterman’s?

Pussies! Here in Seattle we just wear our Gore-Tex parkas and sensible haircuts and get wet.

Fuck umbrellas. Eight-pointed wheels of death, if you ask me. My baseball cap does me just fine.

It screams “I’m entitled to keep dry.”

It’s not like you’re mucking out the fields in a downpour either. Your destination is a dry bus, or a dry car, or a dry building, where you will - believe it or not - dry off.

I wear a hat, a jacket if it’s really raining, and the worst of it for my is when my glasses get all streaky. I need to get a spectacle sized squeegee.

We get more drenching rainfalls here in Atlanta, plus it’s usually much warmer. If that were not the case, I’d wear my gore-tex jacket more often, too.

However, if you’re actually forcing other pedestrians to the curb to let you and your monster umbrella go by without getting smacked in the head by it, I think you’re over-privileging your sense of entitlement.

If you’re walking across a golf course or down a deserted country road, that’s one thing. But if you’re walking on a busy sidewalk four feet wide with an umbrella that’s five feet wide, you’re taking up too much room. If you need to keep your legs dry, why don’t you just wear rain pants or a long raincoat with waterproof boots?

Probably because, in teh South, that would make you just as wet as walking in the rain.

Disclaimer: I own one golf umbrella, and I’ve never used it outside the grounds of a golf course.

Then maybe Southerners need to take the opposite approach and just wear bathing suits when walking through downpours. Carry a small head-protecting umbrella and a waterproof bag for your clothes and towel, and change when you get indoors.

Voila, no rain- or sweat-soaked clothing, and no passersby eyes poked out by megabrellas.

All you people who are being mangled and disfigured by golf umbrellas, are you using an umbrella as well? Because if you are, I am having a hard time imagining how your eyeballs and such are not protected. Wouldn’t the UmbrellaHummerTM have to get past your umbrella before it gets to you?

Depends how they’re angled. If you’ve got your modest-sized umbrella tilted into the wind to keep off driving rain, and an UmbrellaHummer comes up to leeward of you, it can smack you in the exposed side of your neck or face without ever touching your umbrella.

Can’t a regular umbrella do so as well? I’m just wondering how the OP managed to get injured over 500 times by a golf umbrella.

Indeed it can. But UmbrellaHummers tend to be more of a menace because they take up so much more room, so it’s harder for people who carry them to keep a safe distance from other pedestrians.

As for the “500 times”, I think there might have been a bit of hyperbole there, don’t you?